Bled Space
by Leon XIII
Summary: Isaac Clarke not only has to find his girlfriend on a ship infested with naked monsters, but his Buddy Richard Osmond must also deal with these weird ohs known as the Psychological 7 dispatched by his nemesis, Theodore Holmes!
1. Zippity do dead

Bled Space

Chapter 1: Zippidy do dead

**Yes! I've been waiting to write this story for a long time. Just a heads up, I'm going to include a character from another one of my parodies in this one. It's Richard Osmond from the poorly known **_**Echo Night**_** series. I'm including him because he met Isaac in my parody for it.**

A Blue screen filled the blackness. On it, appeared several sentences.

"CEC Mission Update. Primary personnel; Isaac Clarke: Engineer, Kendra Daniels: Computer Specialist, Zack Hammond: Chief Security Officer, Twist Mclintock: Pilot, Oakie Dokie: Assistant Security Officer. Objectives: Locate USG Ishimura, Diagnose repairs. BLAh blah blah." It said.

Suddenly, the objectives were replaced by a video feed. A young blonde woman in a white and black jumpsuit began speaking.

"Isaac, something weird has happened. Everyone is flipping out. They grew swords out of their hands and run around naked. Oh god, this one guy, never mind. I'm scared Isaac. I just want you to know I love you, just in case I commit suicide or something then you see a weird holographic image of me created by some weird alien artifact but-" It started before it stopped.

The video window was closed by a young man in a black jump suit with brown armor plates. He was approached by a woman with a pony tail and a red and white shirt with pink high heels.

"You watched the video for the 16th time today. You must really want to bang her, Isaac." The woman said.

"Actually, I just keep trying to force myself to watch it all the way through, but I get really sad and turn it off all the time before it does." Isaac said.

"What? I'm sorry, I was applying some powder. What did you say?" The woman asked, holding her powder kit.

"Kendra, why do you always have to do that in the middle of a conversation?" A black guy in a green suit asked.

"My looks come first Hammond." Kendra said.

"Well those bad make up habits are gonna get you killed one of these days!" Hammond said.

"I'm sorry?" Kendra asked.

Hammond put his hand in his face. Behind them sat 2 pilots at the controls, both in green jumpsuits. Beyond the windshield of the ship was a massive array of clouds that the ship was blasting through. Kendra went up to the windshield and looked at her reflection. Using it, she slowly started applying lipstick.

"So Isaac, your girlfriends on that ship?" Hammond asked.

"Yeah, she got a nice job there. Makes 500 credits an hour." Isaac said.

"Damn, we only make 10 credits per hour." Hammond said.

"We've entered the atmosphere around the target." The pilot said.

"Nice Job Twist." Hammond said.

The clouds around the ship faded and in the distance a large ship could be seen, floating over a planet with a huge chunk of it in it's laser harness. Behind was a bright star.

"Owww! Can't we move so the sun doesn't ruin my reflection? I can't see my lips." Kendra complained.

"No time Kendra. Oakie, put me on the comm link." Hammond said.

"Oakie Dokie sir." Oakie said.

"And stop saying that! It's fucking annoying! Ishimura, this is the Kellion. Do you copy? I said, do you copy? Well, their comms array is busted to hell. Let's set her down." Hammond said.

The ship began it's docking sequence.

"Kellion! Do not board the Ishimura!" A Female Voice on the radio said.

"Who the hell is that?" Hammond asked.

"My name is Lexine! The ship and the colony are overrun by monsters! Do not land!" Lexine said.

"Monsters? What is this? _Martian Gothic Unification_? Piss off you bitch!" Hammond said.

"Watch out! Your flying right into an Asteroid!" Lexine yelled.

"Yeah Yeah right Lex." Hammond said, ripping the radio out of the control panel.

"Uhhhh, Hammond." Isaac started.

"Not now Isaac! I'm gonna eat my broccoli flavored Gelatin." Hammond said.

Hammond went into a side room and sat down at the table where his green gelatin awaited.

"But Hammond-" Isaac continued, pointing at the window.

"I said not now! I can't eat and think at the same time!" Hammond said.

"Uhhh, Sir..." Twist Mclintock said.

"Damn it! Can't a guy eat his fucking space food!" Hammond yelled.

It turns out Lexine was Right. A huge asteroid slammed into the side of the Kellion. Everything shook violently. Kendra smeared lipstick all over her face and Hammond's gelatin looked like it was doing the macerena.

"Sir, the ships out of control!" Twist said.

"Close the shutters and switch to camera feed!" Hammond yelled.

"Oakie dokie sir!" Oakie said.

The shutters around the windshield closed and the pilots were now using video footage. Isaac hid behind the chair he was sitting on and put his head down.

"Now what?" Twist asked.

"Slam her in the docking bay!" Hammond said, trying to get a spoon full of gelatin in his mouth.

"Are you crazy! All my hair spray will catch fire!" Kendra yelled, rolling around on the floor.

The pilots did it anyway. They plowed the ship hard into the docking bay of the Ishimura, scraping against the floor. Then it suddenly stopped. Kendra was thrown face first into the windshield while Hammond's face was forced into his gelatin.

"We've landed sir." Twist said.

Isaac looked up from behind the chair. Kendra pushed herself off the windshield.

"Hammond! What the fuck!? We could have gotten killed! And you broke my nail!" Kendra screeched.

Hammond pulled his face out of the gelatin and wiped it off his face.

"Kendra, we need to finish this job. It's the CEC code. Tell her Isaac." Hammond said.

"Monsters, guns, asteroids or in laws, CEC will always bring you the circular saws." Isaac recited.

"That doesn't even make sense." Kendra said.

"The circular saws are used for cutting materials." Twist said.

"Just fuck the whole thing. Let's get out of this junk heap. I need more space to fix my hair." Kendra said.

"Twist, Oakie, load up." Hammond said.

Hammond, Twist, and Oakie grabbed Pulse rifles from the gun racks.

"Say Hammond, can I have a gun?" Isaac asked.

"Isaac, the last time I gave you a gun, you shot the customer." Hammond said.

"I thought he was a robber." Isaac said.

"He was holding a stapler." Hammond said.

"It's an easy mistake." Isaac said.

"Forget it, your not getting a gun." Hammond said.

Hammond, Kendra, Twist and Oakie left through the ship's door. Isaac looked around and grabbed his blue visor helmet.

"AAAHAHAHHHH! I can't see!" He screamed.

"It's on backwards, moron." Hammond said.

"Oh." Isaac said.

Isaac turned his helmet around. Before leaving, he saw something shiny in the ship's cabin. Investigating, he found a first aid kit.

"First aid, I doubt I'll need this. It's not like theres gonna be monsters or anything like that." Isaac said, throwing it in the trash can.

Meanwhile, near the ship's bridge...

In a dark hallway, a portal of red energy opened. 3 figures stepped through it. One wore a parka with black snow goggles. Another was a man with a brown beard, blue spandex suit, and red vest. The last was a woman with blonde hair, blue spandex suit and purple vest.

"Yes, this place will do nicely..." The man in the parka said.

"Do nicely for what?" The man in the beard asked.

"To kill him you retard!" The man in the parka yelled.

"Kill who?" The woman asked.

"Richard Osmond! Don't you remember him?" The man in the goggles asked.

"Never heard of him." The other man said.

"You 2 are the most worthless henchmen ever!" The man in the goggles yelled.

The guy in the goggles went over to a nearby computer terminal.

"Whatchadoing?" The guy in the beard asked.

"I'm sending an email to the Psychological 7." The guy in the goggles said.

"Whos the psychological 7?" The woman asked.

"They are a task force composed of characters from Psychological horror games. That is the last time I'm telling you that." The man in the goggles said impatiently.

"Whats, everything you just said?" The woman asked.

The man in the goggles groaned. He grabbed the back of the woman's hair and slammed her face first into the keyboard. Pieces of it stuck to her face.

"Now I just have to lure Richard here for the final blow." The man in the goggles said.

"Oo Oo! I know how! Let's make a trail of M&Ms all the way up here to his house!" The guy in the beard said.

The man in the goggles shot red bolts of electricity at the bearded man's groin. He grasped it and crumbled over. The woman laughed at him, until the guy in the goggles shot bolts at her breasts and she crumbled over.

"Why I chose you rejects to be my henchmen, I'll never know. I do, however, know how to lure Richard to this location. Muahahaha." The man in the goggles laughed.

"Muhahahahahahahahahah." The man and woman laughed.

"Oh shut up." The man in the goggles said, zapping them again.

Outside the Kellion...

When Isaac stepped onto the catwalk outside the Kellion, he saw Kendra assessing the damage.

"Damn it Hammond, you smashed the external fuel tank." She said, wiping the lipstick off her face with a hankie.

"I didn't do shit, Twist is the one who slammed it here." Hammond said.

"Well your the one who told me to." Twist said.

"Lets put the blame on each other later. The Kellion had Asteroid insurance anyway." Hammond said.

"Not to worry, I can fix anything!" Isaac said.

"Yeah, of course you can Isaac." Hammond said.

The team started down the catwalk.

"Hey Hammond, theres a little golden statue between the walkways." Isaac said.

"Sure there is Isaac. Maybe it belongs to the dark master of Camelot!" Hammond said sarcastically, waving his hands around.

"Really?" Isaac asked.

"No, now open this door." Hammond said.

Isaac went up to the door and stared at it for a second.

"Hammond, you don't know how to open a simple door? You just push this." Isaac said, pressing the holographic button.

The door opened and inside was a small waiting room. It was cluttered with suitcases and green tinted boxes.

"Hmm, looks like everyone was trying to leave." Hammond said.

"Why?" Kendra asked.

"How the fuck should I know!?" Hammond asked.

"They really need to clean up their-" Isaac started.

Isaac tripped on a suitcase and slammed face first into one of the green tinted crates, breaking it open.

"Another med kit? Why do they leave all these useless things lying around?" Isaac asked.

Isaac grabbed the med kit that was in the crate and threw it behind him, slamming Oakie in the head.

"Ishimura secuirty? Do you read? IS anyone there? For Christ's sake, answer already!" Hammond yelled.

Kendra pressed the call button on a nearby elevator. Nothing happened.

"The elevators are broken." Kendra said.

"Theres no power to them, retard. Twist, Oakie, establish a perimeter." Hammond said.

"Oakie dokie sir." Oakie said, with a massive scar bleeding on his forehead.

Isaac went over to a nearby corner and saw a console with a camera on it on the wall. When he touched it, it unfolded and a screen appeared.

"A save station, I wonder how it works." Isaac asked himself.

Suddenly, a bulky claw reached out from under the machine and grasped Isaac's groin. Groaning in pain, the claw unleashed a burst of electricity into Isaac's testicles. The screen then said "Data storage complete" and the claw released his balls.

"Isaac, go in the control room and unlock the elevators." Hammond said.

"Wouldn't that be more of Kendra's job?" Isaac asked.

"Ewww, I'm not touching a computer used by some guy with AIDS." Kendra said.

"Alright, I was almost a computer specialist." Isaac said.

Isaac went into the back room behind the windows. It was really dark. He went around a corner and found a holographic control console. He simply pressed one button and the elevators were restored.

"Good, now I can kick the crew's asses for not answering our calls." Hammond said.

Suddenly, Twist accidentally backed up against a light switch and the room became pitch black. A loud girly scream was heard.

"Calm down Kendra." Hammond said in the dark.

"It was Twist." Kendra said.

"Well it's pretty scary." Twist said.

"Isaac, enough with the pranks, turn the lights back on." Hammond yelled.

"But sir, there is no light switch in here." Isaac said.

Suddenly, red emergency lights started flashing. Twist could be seen slapping Kendra's ass and Oakie could be seen pinching her breasts briefly as the light passed over them.

"Warning, intruder in ventilation system." The intercom said.

"What the hell? Isaac, are you in the ventilation system?" Hammond asked.

"No, but I think I can crawl out through it. The door's jammed." Isaac said.

Suddenly, loud scraping was heard.

"What was that?" Twist cowered, grasping Kendra's shoulders.

"It's probably some rats." Hammond said.

"Those are some fucking huge rats." Twist said.

Suddenly, something broke through an overhead vent and landed in the room. It stabbed Twist through the chest with something on it's arm. He screamed bloody mary as it held him up and, using it's other arm, tore him in half.

"Oakie! Open fire!" Hammond yelled.

"Oakie dokie sir!" Oakie said.

Hammond and Oakie both fired their pulse rifles at the mysterious figure. It held Twist in front of it as a shield and he absorbed all the fire. Isaac watched from the control room, eating some popcorn.

"My god, it's immune to bullets! Oakie! Do something!" Hammond yelled.

"Oakie Dokie sir!" Oakie said.

"Oh I've had enough of this." Hammond muttered.

Hammond shoved Oakie into the creature's arms. It stabbed him through the chest too. The room was filled with the light of the elevator.

"Oakie, clean up this mess when your done." Hammond said.

"Oakie dokie sir." Oakie said before the monster stabbed him through his head.

Hammond and Kendra hid inside the elevator and closed it's doors.

"Wait, Isaac is still down there." Kendra said.

"Don't worry, he'll keep them busy." Hammond said.

"But he doesn't have a weapon." Kendra said.

"True, but it will take some time for them to eat him." Hammond said.

"Uhhh, Guys? Can you unlock these doors when you get up there?" Isaac asked.

Suddenly, a creature broke into the room Isaac was in. It was a human, but it's jaw was missing, the arms were bent the other way and had blades extruding out of the hands, and it was naked.

"Ewww, put some clothes on man." Isaac said.

The monster growled and Isaac screamed. He turned right and started running down this empty hall. The beast was in hot pursuit. He almost slipped on one of the many P-sec security pistols laying on the floor, dropped by dead security guards. He started running up a ramp, and a boulder started rolling down in his direction. He strafed to the side, missing it. The monster was able to dodge it too.

"Why are there boulders part of the ventilation system?" Isaac asked himself.

Isaac reached the top of the ramp and saw an elevator in the corner. He got on it and rapidly tapped the button that closes doors. The monster got really close when they actually did start to close. The monster wedged it's blades in between the doors through a narrow opening. It slowly started prying them open. Isaac pulled out his pipe wrench and smacked it on the head a couple of times. This made it lose it's grip and the doors slammed shut, slicing it's head off. It landed at Isaac's feet, then he started freaking out because of it. The elevator began it's slow ascent and Isaac fell to the floor, paralyzed.

Meanwhile, somewhere in the Medical deck...

A man with blonde hair and a black and white jumpsuit ran down the corridors. He was chased by a man with a black beard in a black and white jumpsuit holding a Laser pick.

"YOU MUST BECOME ONE OF THE CHOSEN!" The man with the pick yelled.

"For Christ's sake, they're monsters you fucking baboon!" The guy with the blonde hair yelled.

"WHO CARES!? I'M ON LITHIUM!" The man with the pick yelled.

Meanwhile, Isaac managed to gather his guts and stepped out of the elevator. He was in some kind of workshop. To the right was a table with a limb-less corpse leaning against it. A message scribbled in blood said "cut off their limbs" on the wall. A plasma cutter sat on the table, which Isaac picked up.

"ooooo! A plasma cutter! I haven't used one of these since Hammond took away my old one after circumcising a baby with it." Isaac said.

A green message appeared in front of Isaac.

"Hold L1 to aim, press R1 to fire, press R2 to change direction." It said.

"AAAAAHHHHHH! GHOST WRITER!" Isaac yelled, flailing his arms.

Isaac fell back on more green crates, which dropped plasma cartridges.

"Ohhh, now I can recharge on the go. I wonder why that guy ripped off his arms and legs? And another thing, how did he write that message if he didn't have any arms? And what does cut off their lambs mean? No one has lambs in space. Maybe theres a killer Lamb Chop on the loose again." Isaac wondered.

Isaac went to the only door in the room. It was locked, but there was an exposed circuit next to it.

"Ohh, that's convenient." Isaac said.

Isaac took aim with his new plasmas cutter. He shot a horizontal line of plasma at it, severing it. The door immediately opened and a man fell to the floor as one of the monsters pounced on him.

"Jesus! Leave me alone! _Left 4 Dead_ was less painful than this!" The man yelled before the monster ripped him up.

After turning the guy into chopped ham, the beast looked at Isaac. Panicking, Isaac blindly fired his Plasma cutter, missing the creature. The creature slashed Isaac in the arm with one of it's blades.

"OWWW! I wish I had one of those med kits." He said.

Isaac swatted the creature in the face with his plasma cutter. Stunned, it fell to the ground, and Isaac stomped the living hell out of it. It's blood, limbs, and other features flew all over the place until it was just a naked torso.

"Wow, this is the coolest job I've ever been on!" Isaac said.

Isaac went through the door the monster came through. He examined the corpse of the dead guy and found some credits.

"Hmmm, well he isn't gonna to use them anytime soon." Isaac said to himself, taking the credits.

Isaac went further down the hall and turned left.

"Hmm, I need to name these things. They like to slash and stab, so, I'll call them, Shooters!" Isaac said.

Isaac came to a dead end, but found an audio log.

"Oh my god, those things come out of the vents! Holy shit dude! I've tried pushing bookcases in front of them, but that don't work either! I tried putting boulders in them too, but they're too agile! Oh god, fuck this, I'm just gonna leave this log here and hang myself somewhere else." It said.

Isaac tossed the diary away and went the other way. He picked up a Small med kit laying on the floor. He opened it and poured some weird gel on his arm wound.

"There we go. So much easier than regular med kits. Oh wait, this is shampoo." Isaac said, looking at the bottle.

After wiping the stuff off his burning wound, Isaac went into the next room. It was some kind of control room. It had a console, a vending machine, some lockers, a save station, and a window looking out on the tram platform where Kendra and Hammond were standing.

"AAAAAHHH! MORE SHOOTERS!" Isaac yelled, shooting at the glass.

A small communications window popped up in front of Isaac.

"Isaac? Holy shit, I thought you were eaten." Hammond said.

"Isaac, the tram's broken. The passage is blocked by some cruddy old tram and the data board is fried." Kendra said.

"No sweat, I can fix anything." Isaac said.

"Isaac, on the off chance you do fix it, I'll help you find Nicole." Hammond said.

"Really? Awesome! Just let me look in my tool box..." Isaac said.

Isaac set down his red toolbox on the floor and opened it. He tossed out a wrench, a sandwich, a vibrator, a magnum, a data board, and an emergency radio.

"Looks like I'm out of data boards. Kendra, do you know where I can find some more? Kendra?" Isaac asked.

Kendra was applying some crème rouge. Hammond slapped it out of her hand and pointed to the screen.

"Oh, try the maintenance area. Grab some tampons for me if you see any. Damn it Hammond, that was limited edition." Kendra said.

The screen went away. Isaac went over to the vending machine and smashed it open. He took the credits from the inside.

"I always smash open vending machines, even when it's not the end of the world." Isaac said.

Isaac opened the lockers and grabbed some more items. He didn't bother using the save station after his first experience with one. He went through another door and as he strolled down these twisty hallways, he whistled. Then he came to a small well lit area and screamed when he saw a shooter laying on the floor among some suitcases.

"Oh, it must already be dead. That's nice." Isaac said.

As Isaac walked past it, it stabbed him in the leg with one of it's blades. Isaac screamed again and stomped the shit out of it until it was dead. After applying some real first aid, he found the maintenance bay door, but it was locked. He picked up another audio log.

"Listen to me! You have to shoot off their limbs! Head shots don't do anything! Shoot off their legs and arms! That's the only way to kill them! Shoot off their limbs! Shoot off their limbs! Shoot them off for Christ's sake! Did you fucking hear me? SHOOT THEM OFF!" It yelled.

Isaac tossed it away and went in another direction. After going through a door, he saw a man's lower half hanging out from the ceiling.

"Get the fuck off me you freak! This is my Twix bar! This is the only place I can eat in peace! AARARGAGGGG! Let go of my neck!" The man yelled before being pulled into the ceiling.

His Twix bar fell out, and Isaac picked it up and took a bite out of it. Another shooter (they're actually called Slashers) broke through the ceiling and ran towards Isaac. Isaac shot it in the leg with his Plasma Cutter, slicing it off and it fell to the ground.

"Hah! Not so tough now, huh?" Isaac taunted.

The Slasher crawled up to Isaac and stabbed him in the foot. Hollering in agony, he shot both of it's arms off.

"Owww, I think I lost one of my toes." Isaac said.

Isaac grabbed his severed toe and put it in his inventory. He went through another door and found himself at the bottom of the tram tunnel. Cigarette butts were all over the place.

Meanwhile, on the actual platform, Hammond was having a smoke himself.

"You wanna know something creepy?" Hammond asked Kendra.

"What?" Kendra asked, applying powder.

"I heard rumors that they're weird voices that come from the bottom of the tram pit." Hammond said.

"Mmm-hm." Kendra said.

"I'm serious. Let me toss something down." Hammond said.

Hammond picked up a waste basket and threw it down into the pit.

"OWW! MOTHERFUCKER!" A voice screamed.

"See! Did you hear it?!" Hammond asked.

"Mm-hm." Kendra said.

"Your not even listening are you?" Hammond asked.

"Mm-hm." Kendra said.

"Fuck you." Hammond said.

Meanwhile, Isaac sat on the ground rubbing his head. A bent waste basket sat beside him. While waiting, he saw some more credits laying on the ground.

"Someone must think this this is a wishing well. Maybe it is!" Isaac said.

Getting up, Isaac threw 15 credits on the ground and closed his eyes.

"I wish for a golden screwdriver!" Isaac said.

After several seconds, Isaac opened his eyes and saw nothing.

"Oh well." He said, taking the credits on the ground.

Isaac walked down the tram tunnel and came to the end where he spotted 2 things. A console, and a door that kept slamming shut and opening at a rapid pace. Isaac went up to it and stuck his hand through it when it opened, but pulled it back before it closed. He did this several times. Wanting to test the doors strength, Isaac picked up the waste basket and stuck it between the door and the wall, where it was crushed.

"I'll have to time this right." Isaac said to himself.

Isaac took several steps back, then after waiting a few seconds charged at the door and ran right into it as it closed. Isaac fell back on the floor and felt something.

"A Stasis module. I haven't used one of these since I had it confiscated for slowing down a car in front of a train track." Isaac said.

Isaac strapped the device on his left wrist. He shot an aura of blue energy at the door. The door turned blue and slowed way down. Isaac stood right between it and the wall for fun, but then the stasis wore off and it slammed right into him several times. Barely, he managed to get to the other side, heavily wounded. Pouring Med gel all over his body, he continued down another hallway.

He found some more credits and a stasis pack in front of a door and went into the restroom.

"Theres always something useful in the restroom in any survival horror video game." Isaac pointed out.

Isaac found some oddly placed plasma cartridges in the sink and an even odderly placed med kit in an empty toilet. Before leaving, he examined one toilet that was clogged with green sludge.

"I think I'll have to go _Silent Hill 2_ on this." Isaac said.

Isaac was about to stick his hand in the toilet to see if there was a key in it, but all of the sudden, it vomited green sludge out. Isaac screamed and vacated the bathroom as quickly as he could.

"I thought pukers wouldn't appear until _Dead Space 2_." Isaac pondered.

Isaac wiped the unknown fluid off his suit with a severed arm that was laying on the floor and went through another door. The room he was in had a small catwalk and an open view of the tram track. A busted tram sat on the tracks, covered in graffiti like "IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD!" or "I'M DYING!".

"I must be really lucky that this tram broke down in front of the repair station. I wonder how they retrieve trams that aren't?" Isaac wondered.

Flashback...

4 guys in blue jumpsuits and yellow hard hats were carefully balancing themselves on the narrow tram rails. 3 of them were pulling on a chain connected to the disabled tram.

"Come on, put your backs into it!" The one not pulling said.

"This thing weighs 1000 pounds!" One guy said.

"Whatever, keep pulling." The first one said.

"Don't we have cranes or something for this?" Another guy asked.

"Nope, we have to pull it to the repair station." The first said.

"Why the hell is thing thing broken anyway? It couldn't have collided with a car." The last one said.

"It was another Unitologist suicide bomber." The first said.

"Another one? Those assholes are worse than Cthulhu worshipers." The last said again.

"Enough chat, keep pulling." The first said.

"Why aren't you helping?" The second said.

"Keep Pulling!" The first one yelled.

Pissed off, the first guy dropped the chain and shoved the first guy off the rail. He disappeared in the blackness below.

"Where does that pit lead?" The third asked.

"Who knows. It's not on the ship's schematics. Let's go to the Habitation deck and grab a bite to eat." The first said.

"Sweet!" The fourth said.

Back in the present...

Isaac walked down the catwalk and saw a weird blue cabinet on the wall. He opened it and grabbed a power node.

"Ohhh! Now I can...What do I do with these again?" Isaac wondered.

Isaac stuffed it in his suit and pressed the button on one of the holographic consoles. A long arm with a claw on it latched on to the tram.

"Cool, what else can this do?" Isaac wondered with amazement.

Before Isaac could play with the machinery, a Slasher burst out of a nearby vent. Isaac shot off it's head with his Plasmas cutter.

"Oh my god! Sorry!" He said.

The slasher ran towards him and Isaac backpedaled rapidly until he hit the wall. He ducked as the slasher thrust both blades towards his head and got stuck in the wall. Isaac maneuvered around it's legs and rolled scotch tape all over it's groin.

"Put some clothes on next time." Isaac said.

With the creature struggling to get free, Isaac carried on his work. He pressed another button, which caused a claw to grab him and move him in the center. A massive metal cylinder closed around him. Screams could be heard from within it and steam seeped out of the cracks. The cylinder them opened, Isaac now had a black jumpsuit with white armor pieces and a green visor. A mirror was held in front of him

"Hey, that looks nice. I thought you could only customize armor in _Halo_." Isaac said.

Then, all of the sudden, a green holographic window popped up saying that he must pay 5000 credits.

"5000? Fuck you!" Isaac yelled, smashing the window.

Isaac may be an idiot, but he can also get angry too. After his awesome makeover, he pressed another button on the control panel (The slasher was still stuck). Another large claw moved to the other end of the tram.

"There we go, now we can-" Isaac started.

The claw did not grab onto the tram. As it began retracting, it's claws finally closed, though not on the tram.

"What the?" Isaac wondered.

Isaac pressed the button over and over again, watching it repeat this several times.

"Hmmm, them claws must be rusted. A shame I don't have any oil." Isaac said.

Isaac leaned on the safety bars of the catwalk to think. They snapped under his weight and upon hitting the floor, he accidentally misfired his Stasis module at the slasher stuck in the wall.

"Say, I can use my stasis module to fix it!" Isaac said.

Isaac got up off the floor and pressed the button again. As the claw reached out to grab the tram, he hit it with a stasis shot and it slowed down. This gave it enough time to lock it's claws around the tram's side.

"Yippee! I solved a completely insignificant puzzle." Isaac said.

Isaac jumped up and clicked his heels together. The Slasher hissed at him.

"Not another word from you, your in time out." Isaac said.

Isaac stuck a pacifier in the slasher's neck hole, because it's head was gone. He press another button and the tram was pulled into the station.

"There we go. Now I just have to repaint the side, straighten out the fractures, reprogram the system, repair the hook-" Isaac went on.

"Isaac, you don't have to fix that one, theres like 50 others that still work." Hammond said.

"Oh, I forgot." Isaac said.

"Kendra, what does he, damn it, put that lipstick away! What else does he need to do?" Hammond asked.

"He still needs another data board. Go to the maintenance area. Now let me finish my lips." Kendra said.

Isaac went back into the hallway and ambushed by another slasher. Isaac grabbed it's arms and tried to hold them back.

"Damn, for skinny arms, these things are tough." Isaac said.

Isaac threw the slasher off himself and shot both of it's arms off. After looking at it's empty sockets, It ran up to Isaac and started kicking him weakly. Isaac shoved it back and shot one of it's legs off. It fell on the ground and wriggled around like a worm, growling. Isaac walked around it, knowing it was harmless. As he got halfway down the hall, he saw something in the ceiling. It looked like the top half of a human with teeth. Before he knew it, it scattered away.

"Oh my god, the Lickers from _Resident Evil_ were being kept on this ship!" Isaac squealed.

Terrified, Isaac stopped the malfunctioning door with his hands and pried it open then jumped into the tram tunnel.

"It's a good thing those monsters only attack in small enclosed spaces. This area is way too wide. No chance of an attack here." Isaac said confidently.

Suddenly, 3 floor vents bust open and slashers crawled out of them.

"Oh come on!" Isaac whined.

Isaac hit one with a stasis shot by accident. He meant to just hold out his hand and yelled "stop in the name of intergalactic law".

"Oh yeah, I forgot this can affect living things." Isaac said.

Isaac tried to shoot another blast, but his stasis module just blurred.

"Out of energy? These things run out faster than those damn portable Sega genesises." Isaac said.

A slasher charged at Isaac, who ducked. The slasher tripped over him and it plummeted into the black bottomless pit behind Isaac. Isaac shot the leg off another slasher and ran past it and the second one. The second ran after him while the 3rd crawled. Isaac stopped and reloaded his Plasma cutter. Just as he aimed it at the second slasher, it swatted the Plasma cutter out of his hand.

Isaac ducked it's horizontal swing and grabbed a handful of cigarettes. Standing back up, he shoved them in it's mouth and punched it. It fell back on the 3rd slasher, crushing it's arms, killing it. Isaac hastily grabbed his Plasma cutter and fired the entire clip into the second slasher, slicing it into several pieces. Isaac left the tram tunnel and returned to the maintenance corridor.

"Isaac, while I was waiting for my mascara to dry, I unlocked the Maintenance elevator." Kendra said.

"I'm getting tired of Kendra's mobile beauty salon Isaac, get that fucking tram fixed or I'm gonna make Kendra eat her lipstick!" Hammond said.

"Uhh, yes sir." Isaac said.

Isaac got on the newly unlocked maintenance elevator and took it down to the lower level.

"Since the maintenance room is locked, you'll have to find the key." Kendra said.

"Where can I find the key?" Isaac asked.

"What?" Kendra asked.

"Never mind." Isaac said.

Isaac stepped out of the elevator when it stopped. He was on a series of catwalks suspended over a pit with brown smoke. He spied another green crate.

"Oh good, these are like those mushrooms on those strange games with the Italian plumbers." Isaac said.

Before Isaac could break the crate open, a slasher tackled him from behind. Isaac shot off both of it's arms and it went limp. He shoved it's corpse off and smashed the crate, grabbing some credits.

"I feel really uneasy about these catwalks. They don't seem very sturdy." Isaac said.

Suddenly, another slasher came running towards Isaac. Isaac shot his plasma cutter, missing the first 7 shots until a stray one hit a red canister on the floor, which exploded, throwing slasher pieces everywhere.

"Wow, who knew red canisters could explode! I've never seen that before." Isaac said.

"Is he really that dumb?" Leon S Kennedy from _Resident Evil 4_ asked himself as he read the last sentence.

Isaac used this new knowledge when he encountered another slasher, of course he had to fire 3 shots to hit the canister because he missed the first 2, but it still did the job. Then he encountered another slasher and he raised his gun and it just clicked. Out of Plasma Cartridges.

"Uh oh. I never saw this coming." Isaac said.

The slasher got an empty Plasma cutter swung into it's face and was shoved to the ground. Isaac ran past it and bumped into another slasher. He bashed it in the face too and ran past it. He got on a small elevator and rode it up one floor.

"AH HA! You'll never catch me now!" Isaac taunted.

When the elevator stopped, Isaac quickly smashed another green item crate.

"A small med kit? I don't need this! I want ammo!" Isaac cursed.

Isaac threw the med kit on the floor and it shot it's healing gel into Isaac's visor. Isaac fell on the back of a slasher that was laying on the floor. It shook around violently. Isaac just managed to wipe the gel off his visor when it knocked him off.

The slasher stood over him. Without any ammo, Isaac grabbed the closest thing he could get to and shoved it in the slasher's mouth. It turns out, it was a hose to a helium tank. Isaac twisted the valve until he heard a blowing noise.

The slasher quickly inflated into a huge round shape. Isaac tried to turn the helium off, but he broke the valve off. He pulled the hose out of the slasher's mouth and it went zooming around all over the room while slowly deflating. It landed at Isaac's feet, completely flat.

"I can't believe that actually worked in real life." Isaac said, bewildered.

Isaac picked up the empty skin and a plasma cartridge fell out.

"These things drop ammo? Never saw that coming." Isaac said, reloading his gun.

Isaac looked around and saw a corpse with 2 shiny things next to it. As he was about to pick them up, another slasher burst from a nearby vent. Isaac managed to killed it and picked up the first item, an Audio log.

"Damn it, another fucking tram broke down. I'm so sick and tired of dragging these things to those horrible repair stations! Why the hell don't we have cranes down here?" It said.

Isaac picked up the other item, which was the key. He started heading back to the small elevator when one of the slashers climbed up to the catwalk he was on. He shot off it's arms and took the elevator down, where he slaughtered more slashers.

Isaac whistled as he backtracked to to maintenance room and unlocked it. His eyes lit up as he set his eyes on it's contents. It had a work bench, a data board, a wall bin, a locker, and another power node. It was any engineer's dream. Ignoring the data board, Isaac emptied the containers and took the power node. Then he opened the workbench, where a message popped up.

"Use power nodes to upgrade weapons and equipment." It said.

"Oh, thats what power nodes are for. Who knew?" Isaac wondered.

Isaac upgraded his Plasma cutter and closed the bench. He picked up the data board and opened a video feed with Hammond and Kendra.

"Hey, guys, I found the-" Isaac started.

On the feed, Hammond was trying to shove Kendra's lipstick down her throat. Kendra was holding his arms back.

"EAT IT YOU CRAZY BITCH!" Hammond yelled.

"Hmmm, must be making out." Isaac guessed.

Isaac closed the video feed and left the maintenance room. He shot another slasher that was trying to sneak up on him and returned to the tram control room. Through the window, he could see Hammond chasing Kendra around the platform. Isaac replaced the damaged data board in the control panel and pressed the holographic button. Hammond ceased chasing Kendra when he saw a tram come up to his platform.

"Thanks Isaac, now we can, Kendra, you can stop running. Anyway, we're gonna check out the bridge. Thats the most likely place people will hole up and get killed, so it's the perfect place to go. Go back to the Kellion and make sure it's ready to take off. We'll check back later." Hammond said.

"You lay one finger on my powder and I will scratch your eyes out." Kendra threatened.

Hammond and Kendra got on the parked tram and it zoomed off in another direction. Isaac left the room and went back into the hallway he came in earlier. A slasher had it's back turned to him. Isaac shot it's legs and arms off. Then he walked past it and was terrified to see a normal human face on it.

"What the hell man?" The slasher asked.

"You can talk?" Isaac asked.

"Of course I can. You retarded or something?" The slasher asked.

"I just never heard any other monsters talk." Isaac said.

"I'm not a monster." The slasher said.

"But why do you have blades growing out of your hands?" Isaac asked, pointing to the blades.

"This is my costume. I came here for a Halloween party. It must have been canceled." The slasher said.

"Oh. Well, bye bye." Isaac said, walking away.

"Wait! Your just going to leave me here!? Help me!" The slasher yelled.

Isaac ignored the man's pleas and returned to the small workshop he found his cutter in. Taking the elevator back down, he hoped to kill the slasher that chased him earlier. Then he saw the slasher's head on the floor and he passed out in fear again.

After waking up a few seconds later, Isaac walked back down the hall. He saw the boulder sitting in the massive dent it made in the wall. Next to it was a slasher. Before Isaac could shoot it, it fled into a vent.

"Hmm, must be vent cleaning creatures." Isaac said.

Isaac went further down the hall and 2 slashers broke through the ceiling. Thinking he could get to the waiting room without wasting ammo, Isaac ran to the door and pressed it's button. It didn't open right away this time. Isaac glanced behind him and saw the slashers running towards him.

"Stupid doors, why can't we just use old wooden ones like we used to?" Isaac wondered.

The door finally opened and Isaac jumped through and slammed it shut before the slashers got in.

"Whew, that was close." Isaac said.

Suddenly, the slashers from the other room broke through an airvent and leaped out into the room.

"They can follow me into different rooms? That's not fair." Isaac said.

Isaac ducked underneath one of the slasher's blows and shot it's leg off.

"Look at _Haunting Ground_, that game made it hard to focus on objectives because some big ape guy kept chasing the sexy little girl around." Isaac pointed out.

Isaac smacked the other slasher in the face and shot off it's leg and both arms.

"And _Silent Hill Shattered Memories_ was just a big pile of shit." Isaac said.

Isaac blew both of the arms off the other slasher. He went into the waiting room and smashed some more green crates.

"Isaac, we made it to the bridge, and I think I was right. Theres no one here." Hammond said.

"And it's really dark. I can't see my face." Kendra said.

"Good, maybe now you can stop putting powder on it every 5 damn seconds!" Hammond said.

"If I don't do it, my wrinkles will show!" Kendra said.

"Whatever, you crazy bimbo. Isaac, just prep the Kellion for take off. We'll be back as soon as we fix the ship." Hammond said.

"I thought I could fix it." Isaac said.

The line dropped and Isaac was left answer-less. He was crushed by this and moped all the way to the walkway. A slasher without any legs crawled towards him. Isaac shot both arms off without even looking. He glanced over the side and saw the little golden statue he saw earlier. He wanted to just jump over the railing and grab it, but some weird lack of a jump control prevented him from doing so.

Isaac reentered the empty Kellion, where a huge smear of makeup was on the windshield. He grabbed the med kit he threw away earlier and went up to the control panel. He pressed a button and it started running start up protocols. Isaac sat down in one of the pilot's chairs and spun around in it until he was dizzy.

"We've lost control captain!" He joked.

Isaac got off the chair and struggled to stand up straight. Everything he saw was in triples. Suddenly, the screen flashed red and said "system error". Isaac looked towards the windshield and saw a new type of monster. It had no jaw, 2 normal arms with sharp claws, and it's legs were replaced by a tail. When Isaac looked at it, he saw 20 of them.

"AAAAHHHHH! They're swarming me!" He screamed.

"Warning, engine overload imminent, please exit via main door before incineration." A computer voice said.

Isaac ran face first into the wall on the count of his dizziness. Turning slightly, he slipped on the remains of Hammond's gelatin. Getting up again, he ran into the chair he sat in earlier. The creature, a leaper, on the windshield watched in confusion. Isaac finally stumbled out of the Kellion with the wastebasket on his head. The Kellion's engines exploded and it's shell was blown to pieces. Isaac took the wastebasket off his head and looked around.

"Say, where'd the Kellion go?" Isaac asked.

"Oh my god...The Kellion Blew up..."Kendra said paralyzed.

Isaac did his best to cover his ears when he heard Kendra let out a massive piercing scream.

"ALL MY BEST CLOTHES WERE ON IT! HAMMOND, THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT! I HATE ALL OF YOU! GET ME MORE CLOTHES AND MAKE UP RIGHT NOW!" Kendra screamed.

Hammond shoved a massive piece of duct tape to Kendra's mouth, shutting her up.

"Oh shit. Oh shit, oh shit. Okay, we can still make it through this." Hammond said.

"Really? How?" Isaac asked.

"...No, we'll all probably die. Wait! If we had the captain's RIG, we could use the command computer!" Hammond said.

"What will that do?" Isaac asked.

"You got me, but it's worth a shot. Isaac, we'll send the Tram back to you." Hammond said.

On the video feed, Kendra saw something that wasn't on the camera. She was traumatized and started pulling on Hammond's shoulder.

"Not now Kendra. Look, take the tram to the med deck and find the captains body. His RIG should still be on it. Damn it Kendra, get off." Hammond said.

"How did you know the captain is on the med deck?" Isaac asked.

"Leave me alone Kendra! It was easy, I just. Oh shit! RUN!" Hammond screamed.

The video feed went dead. Isaac was once again left answer-less. He didn't have time to worry about that now, he saw 5 slashers heading his way.

"Uh-oh, I'd better retreat in the-" Isaac started.

Isaac turned around and almost fell off the bridge.

"Oh, right. Blown up." He said.

Isaac stepped to the side to let a careless slasher run right off the ledge. He blew off an arm, a leg, another leg, an arm, an ear, a head, a buttock, and another arm. As he reloaded, he saw a bunch of handicapped slashers moving towards him instead of un-handicapped slashers. Since they were crippled, they were very easy to kill. At the end of it, the walkway was littered with body parts.

"Whew, I hope the janitor is still alive." Isaac said.

Isaac walked through the debris back into the waiting room. He noticed another door across from the elevator that was open. Going through it, he looted some wall bins and saw another med kit in the bathroom.

"Good, I can always use another-" Isaac started.

Suddenly, Isaac saw green slime shoot out from one of the stalls.

"VOMITING TOILETS!" He screamed.

Isaac turned around and ran into the elevator Kendra and Hammond took earlier and pressed the button 20 times. The doors closed and it started ascending. The doors opened when it stopped and Isaac carefully stepped out. He was at a Tram platform with couches for waiting people. The tram was there and there was also a strange booth on the side.

"Cool, a shopping Kiosk! I repaired one of these once, to get the credits inside, heh heh." Isaac said.

Isaac went over to the Kiosk and it's console unfolded. It had 2 items for sale, Power Nodes, and a RIG suit upgrade.

"OOOHH! I've always wanted a new suit!" Isaac squealed.

Isaac purchased the suit upgrade and the console folded back up. A hidden circular chamber opened behind it and Isaac went inside.

"I hope my claustrophobia doesn't kick up." Isaac muttered.

The doors closed around the chamber. A bright line scanned down the crack between them.

"OH MY GOD! THAT TICKLES! HAHAhAhaHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Isaac chuckled inside.

When the chamber doors opened, Isaac's visor now had more segments and more pieces of armor attached to his suit. His inventory was also expanded.

"Cool, This is probably the highest level RIG suit ever! I can blaze through this ship without a scratch, woo woo!" Isaac bragged.

Since there was nothing at the Tram station, Isaac got on the tram and selected the Medical deck on the control panel. As it moved down the tunnel, Isaac sat down and started looking at a Rachel Ray Magazine.

"Ugh, how many calories does that have?" Isaac asked.

To be continued...

**Those 3 figures near the beginning also appeared in my **_**Echo Fright**_** story. Read it's final chapter to find out who they are. Please review, I love getting reviews. I'll have the next chapter ready soon, keep watching.**


	2. Which also didn't work

Chapter 2: Which Still didn't work

**Sorry this one took so long, it was a long chapter. I may have to consider splitting future chapters. And to help you visualize this, Isaac is wearing his Military Armor.**

The man in the parka and goggles wandered around the bridge.

"RAZ! MILLY! WHERE ARE YOU MORONS!?" He yelled.

The man turned around and was face to face with a tall gray slender person. It was the horrifying slender man! Or supposed to be. The man in the Parka grabbed it's side and ripped off a gray sheet that was wrapped around it. Underneath it was his 2 minions, the woman sitting on the man's shoulders.

"What are you 2 doing?" The man in the Parka asked very impatiently.

"Well you see, there were these 2 people on the bridge." The man said.

"So we played the Slender man prank on them." The woman said.

The man and the woman laughed before the man in the parka slapped them both.

"You retards! I have been looking for you for the past 2 hours!" The man in the parka hissed.

"Don't worry Theodore, we're immortal." The man said.

"RAZ! Go to the communications room and finish repairing my dagger!" Theodore yelled.

"Yes sir!" The man said sheepishly, running off and tripping over a railing.

"What about me Theodore? You wanna make out?" The woman asked, rubbing his chest.

"Ugh, hands off! Just stay in my sight until Richard arrives. My lure worked, he's on his way." Theodore said.

"What about those other guys?" The woman asked.

"The Psychological 7? They haven't arrived yet." Theodore said.

"Do you want to cuddle while we wait?" The woman asked.

"If you ever come onto me again, I will turn you back into a zombie." Theodore threatened.

"AAAAgGGGHHHH! Help me!" Raz screamed.

Raz came running back into the room with a fat monster with blades on it's arms following him. Raz hid behind Theodore. Theodore raised his right hand and shot a red ball of energy at the creature. It glowed with a red aura.

"It is now under my control." Theodore said.

"Tell him to dance!" The woman said.

Theodore slammed his elbow in her face.

"I shall name her...CHUBBY!" Theodore said in a loud voice.

Raz giggled, which ceased when Theodore zapped his groin again.

Meanwhile, in space itself...

A traditional style space shuttle was closing in on the USG Ishimura. It's pilot wore a traditional white space suit. A beeper rang inside it.

"Yello." The man said.

"Richard, where are you? I'm broiling your macaroni." A woman said on the other line.

"Sorry Beck, I can't make it to dinner." Richard said.

**FYI Rebecca is Richard's real wife (Claudia is non-canonical), if your a fan of the Echo Night series, you probably don't know her because she only appeared in Echo night 2, which was exclusive to Japan.**

"What!? Are you hanging out with that lizard again?" Beck demanded.

"Nope, I'm on a business trip." Richard said.

"Why are you obsessed with selling junk you've found on your adventures?" Back asked.

"Because it'll make me rich, thats what." Richard said.

"How long are you going to be?" Beck asked.

"Don't know, maybe 10 hours." Richard said.

"Well hurry up! I'm getting tired of cleaning your bootlegged Hot wheels." Beck said.

"Whatever." Richard said, hanging up. "Jesus, why the hell is she so bitchy?"

"I heard that!" Beck said.

Richard hung up again.

"The Ishimura, what a shitty name. There better not be hobos all over the place." Richard said.

Suddenly, a corpse brushed up against the windshield of his ship. It was a woman in a brown uniform with red hair.

"Holy shit! She looks hot. I wonder if she has implants? Can't hurt to check." Richard said.

Putting the ship on autopilot, Richard went back into the cabin of his ship and entered the airlock. He came out on the outside of the ship, connected to a wire. He whistled to himself as he pushed himself towards the woman.

"Come here sexy, I'll take good care of ya." Richard said.

Richard grabbed her by her hair and pulled her back to the airlock. The doors only closed partially because one of her legs was in their way and they slammed on it. Richard carelessly pulled it in and they closed. He dragged her into one of the bunks on the back of his shuttle.

"Now, about those implants..." Richard said.

Richard started pulling the bottom of the woman's white shirt off when something grabbed his hands tightly. It was the woman's. Her eyes shot open and she kicked Richard back with both of her legs. He hit the wall and slouched to the ground. She jumped off the bunk and grabbed him by his shoulders.

"Who the hell are you? And why are you wearing that obsolete space suit?" The woman hissed.

"It's the only brand I can afford." Richard said.

"Where am I? The last thing I can remember is being sucked into space along with a dozen fucking monsters." The woman said.

"Monsters!?" Richard griped.

The woman went to the front of his space shuttle. She saw the Ishimura in the distance.

"The Ishimura! It's still there! We have to get on board!" The woman said.

Richard caught up with her.

"You work on that ship? Are there more like you?" He asked seductively.

"I'm Alissa Vincent, Captain of the Ishimura's security team. We have to destroy the ship and the marker." Vincent said.

"The Marker? You mean like a Sharpie?" Richard asked.

"Can you please just land this thing?" Vincent asked.

"Sure thing sugar cookie." Richard said.

Richard manned the controls and piloted the ship to the rear of the Ishimura.

"Where are you going? The docking bay is back there." Vincent said.

"Isn't that the docking bay?" Richard asked, pointing to the rear.

"No, thats the engine." Vincent said.

"Oh. Close enough." Richard said.

Richard flew the ship into the cold dark engine.

"Do you have any extra space suits on board?" Vincent asked.

"Yeah, in case mine ruptured." Richard said.

"Good, we can enter the ship through the fuel lines." Vincent said.

Meanwhile, at the tram station on the medical deck...

The tram came to a rest on the platform. The door opened, revealing the interior to be covered in vomit. Isaac weakly crawled out.

"Motion sickness is a bitch." He said.

Isaac regained his posture and as he walked towards the, he saw a female scientist sitting on the floor with a bandage over her eyes. A corpse sat beside her.

"Miguel? Oh my god Larry, it's Miguel!" She cried.

"Uhh, no, I'm Isaac." Isaac said.

"Oh Miguel, your so hilarious. But seriously, Larry is hurt, his vocal cords are damaged so he can't talk." The scientist said.

"That's because hes dead." Isaac said.

"Miguel, this is no time for jokes. Here, use this kinesis module to move those crates blocking the hall." The scientist said, holding a small circular device to Isaac.

"Look lady, my name is Isaac Clarke. I'm not Miguel, and your friend is really dead." Isaac tried to explain.

"Please Miguel! Larry is counting on you!" The scientist said.

"Oh well, I tried." Isaac said.

Isaac sliced the woman's head off with his plasma cutter. He took the Kinesis module from her dead hands.

"Does this mean I can move stuff around and throw it like in _Psi Ops_?" Isaac wondered.

Isaac aimed his hand at one of the crates and pressed the button on the kinesis module. A bolt of energy shot at the crate and carried it in front of Isaac.

"Cool!" Isaac said.

Isaac turned around and shot the crate off into the tram pit. Then he did the same with the others. Then, wanting to see if it worked on organic matter (despite not knowing what that meant), he grabbed the corpse of the scientist and Larry and threw them in the pit as well. Then he grabbed something else that was sitting in the hall. He was about to throw it, but then he saw what it was.

"A Flamethrower schematic? Cool! I just need to get the parts and build it at a workbench." Isaac said.

Isaac got bored of throwing stuff around and finally went through the door at the other end of the hall. He came into some sort of a reception area. The door to the north was blocked by a barricade. He also saw a kiosk, a save station, and a message on the wall, which he inspected (It said Evacuate this area immediately).

"Excavate this area innocently. Why would they want to dig in here with Christian values?" Isaac wondered.

"Isaac, I'm alright, but I think Kendra might have gotten her head ripped off by Slender man. I've barricaded myself in the command room. If we're gonna find that hot piece of shit girl of yours, we're gonna need the Captain's RIG unit. He's in the morgue." Hammond said.

"But the way is blocked." Isaac said.

"Well find another way, theres always another way in Horror games." Hammond said.

Isaac went up to the barricade and tried to push it out of the way. It didn't work. Then he fired some plasma shots at it, also mysteriously didn't work. Then he tried to squeeze through a small opening in the barricade, and he got stuck.

"Didn't I deal with something like this a long time ago?" Isaac wondered.

_Flashback to another story..._

_Layer:"That must drain the water from the pool."_

_Richard:"The instructions are too sloppy to read."_

_Isaac:"I operated one of these back on the Ozymandias,let me have a go."_

_Isaac went over to the pump and pushed the button,pulled the lever,turned the small valve and turned the large machine did nothing._

_Isaac:"You little son of a bitch!"_

_Isaac taped a Thermite to the pump and then taped a Shock Pad to the then turned on the Shock Pad._

_Isaac:"TAKE COVER!"_

_He pushed all his buddies outside the room._

_Layer:"Isaac,all that's going to do is melt the-"_

_*******BOOM*******!_

_Layer:"You've got to be shitting me."_

_The entire pump room lay in ruins._

Back in reality...

"Oh yeah. I almost didn't recognize it because of the script format." Isaac said.

Isaac flailed his legs around, trying to get free. The piece of the barricade that was wrapped around him broke off, freeing him, but leaving him with the piece around his waist like a tutu.

"Not bad, I always wanted to be a ballerina." Isaac said.

Isaac swan leaped over to the kiosk and slammed on the floor face first. He got up and activated the kiosk.

"Schematic detected, new item availible for purchase." A message said.

"Thank god, I thought I was going to have to scavenge parts and build it myself like that retard from _Bioshock_." Isaac said.

Meanwhile, in a big mansion on Earth...

"FUCK YOU!" Jack Ryan yelled at the TV.

Back on the Ishimura...

Instead of buying the flamethrower, Isaac bought something else, a line gun. He thought it would go well with his Plasma cutter. He looted some lockers near the desk, taking personal possessions and went through an unbarricaded door.

He passed through an empty hall with another malfunctioning door. He hit it with his stasis module and ran through, or tried. He wouldn't fit with his metallic tutu. He tried to push it off when the stasis wore off and the door resumed. It smashed against the tutu, flattening it. Isaac barely got by as it almost smashed him. His little metallic garment fell off. Then, he saw a wall unit.

"Like buried treasure." Isaac said, moving towards it.

Suddenly, a slasher smashed through a vent. Isaac fired his line gun at it's waist, slicing it in half. Then he fired another shot, ripping off both of it's arms.

"My idea of private time is opening a wall unit without being attacked by creatures that come out of vents." Isaac said.

Before Isaac opened the wall unit, another slasher burst from another vent.

"I'd better switch my aim to vertical mode." Isaac said.

Isaac pressed the alternate fire button and instead of arranging the barrel so it aimed vertically, the line gun shot a big orb of energy on the floor.

"Why doesn't this thing have a vertical mode? It looked like it hocked a loogie on the floor." Isaac said.

The slasher charged at Isaac, who swatted it in the face with his gun. The slasher fell back beside the orb, which exploded and destroyed the creature entirely. Isaac covered his visor as blood splattered all over him.

"I wonder why something called the line gun shoots orbs too?" Isaac pondered.

Isaac opened the wall unit and was very disappointed when he found the thing he was fighting for was a stasis pack. He glanced to the right and saw a locked door. Since it was locked, he took a small elevator down beneath the floor.

"They must have money to burn if they use these small elevators instead of stairs. Must be a lot of fatties around here." Isaac said.

Isaac came to a big room with lots of smaller baby rooms. He saw some kind of panel on the wall, which was called a stasis station. When Isaac approached it, a message popped up asking if he wanted to recharge his stasis module.

"Recharge my stasis module? I wonder what that does?" Isaac pondered.

Isaac pressed the button and, luck would have it, his stasis module recharged. Suddenly, he heard heavy breathing and saw a slasher without any legs trying to reach him. Just as it did, it passed out from exhaustion. Suddenly, red lights started flashing.

"Warning, Monsters detected ignoring why this facility is equipped with a lockdown system that triggers when monsters are detected. Area locked down until player stops running away and kills." A woman on a speaker said.

"Wow, the technology nowadays really wows me like, wow." Isaac said.

Suddenly, Isaac saw a slasher that still had it's legs. He fixed that by blasting them off with his Line gun then surgically removed it's arms with the same weapon. He aimed it at another Slasher and the gun just clicked. Out of ammo.

Isaac hit the slasher with stasis and switched to his plasma cutter. He shot off the slasher's arms and legs and it hit the ground as it regained it's normal speed. Then another slasher attacked. Isaac hit it with stasis and made fun of it about it's speed by running really slow. Then he killed it.

"All monsters dead. Lockdown lifted." The woman on the speaker said.

Isaac entered this one room and killed another slasher. He picked up an audio log on the ground.

"God, Captain, what the hell is going on down there? Exactly what you said Dr Kyne. Hell is breaking loose? But that isn't Mars. No, I mean the god part, it's god's work. You mean that stupid pyramid thing? It's called a Marker, the very foundation of Unitology! That thing is making people crazy! I just saw a hooker get stabbed in the croch yesterday. It is merely a coinicidence, tomorrow, the marker shall be brought aboard the ship. Are you sure Unitology is safe? It seems to be like a death cult. AHAHAHAHA! Don't be ridiculous Kyne, Unitology will change our very way of life! Now if you'll excuse me, I must return to my Unitology shrine where I will dress in my sacred Unitology robes and sacrifice our latest Unitology infidel. What? Nothing." It said.

Isaac tossed the diary away and wandered around some more. After raiding some more lockers, he entered an office that belonged to Dr. Kyne. He sat down at his desk and looked through a microscope.

"By Jove! I think I have discovered an antidote of gingeroamtism! Penny! Get the administrator! I will celebrate by performing my happy dance!" Isaac said, pretending to be Kyne.

Isaac shoved everything off the desk and stood up on it dancing by waving his arms around and stomping his feet.

"We need some more space in here!" He said.

Isaac grabbed a nearby bookshelf and pulled it down. There was a hidden door behind it. Curious, Isaac went inside and pressed the light switch. A pink circular bed sat in the corner and a wet bar set against the wall, with the floor lined with shaggy pink carpeting. What really caught his attention was a gun cabinet on the right. He opened it and grabbed some ammo as well as a P-sec security pistol, Laser Pick, Rivet gun(from _Dead Space __extraction_), and Plasma Chainsaw.

"Awesome! It's a good thing the other got the idea for this from another story. Otherwise all I would have found was some ammo." Isaac said.

Isaac left the room, strapped up with weapons. He went through a door next to the elevator and found a room with some items. Since his inventory was full, he couldn't pick up anything else, so he moved on. He went down a green corridor and saw a room with windows at the end, as he approached, a scientist banged on the window.

"Get me out of here! The babies have gone insane! They're rebelling!" He yelled.

"What?" Isaac asked.

The man breathed on the glass and wrote "Help" on the steam.

"I can't read it, it's backwards." Isaac said.

Before the man could do anything else, a small creature that consisted of a head with 2 tiny legs jumped on his back. 3 red tentacles with claws on the end stretched out of it's little back and latched themselves onto the guy's neck. All of them pulled back, ripping the guy's head off. The creature leaped away.

"Why are monster babies so creepy?" Isaac wondered.

Isaac went through a nearby door into the room. There were glass cylinders filled with un born children.

"Ecchh. This takes all the fun out of sex." Isaac said.

Suddenly, the baby thing jumped onto the wall. I'm going to call it a lurker from now on, although Isaac has already nicknamed it a parental abuser. It stuck out it's tentacles and aimed them at Isaac. It shot some weird green goo into his visor.

"AAAHHHH! I've gone blind!" Isaac screamed.

The lurker jumped onto Isaac's back and wrapped it's tentacles around his neck. Isaac grabbed a tentacle and the lurker bit into his hand. Isaac punched it in the face, forcing it to let go. Still blinded, he grabbed 2 of it's tentacles and swung it on the ground like a mace. He slammed it around like a whip, blood spraying everywhere. Then, he swung it around in the air for a long duration and let it go, sending it flying through 2 of the glass containers.

"Oh well, these things aren't as bad as the shooters." Isaac said.

Isaac grabbed a med kit that the lurker dropped. He could only assume that it ate it before being killed. Then, he found another small elevator and rode it up to the next floor. He saw one glass tube that had an actual lurker in it.

"Uggghhhh. Why didn't they flush this one?" Isaac wondered.

Isaac passed by it and saw another lurker crawl out from a doorway. As it extended it's tentacles, Isaac shot them off with his P-sec secuirty pistol. It dropped dead to the floor. Isaac spun his pistol around like a cowboy, but then he dropped it. Just then, another lurker broke out from the glass tube. The pistol fired a shot as it hit the ground and oblitherated it. Isaac picked the gun back up and noticed the dead lurker.

"When did this break out?" He wondered.

Shrugging it off, he went through the doorway. He found himself in another oddly placed office. A red and white thermite sat on the desk.

"Bingo! Now I just need the recipe to combine this into a bomb. Or I could just find a shock pad, that's easier." He said.

Isaac took the Thermite and also took a power node from the blue cabinet. He left through a door and found himself at the begining of this little lab jaught. He looked around and then left the way he came in.

"Since there wasn't anything dangerous in this hallway, I'm sure there won't be anything dangerous now." Isaac said.

As he rounded a corner, Isaac was got a stomach full of long bladed arm from a slasher. He poked it in the eyes, which didn't really do anything. It stabbed him in the shoulder and he kicked it in the chest. It pulled it's blades out as he fell back, leaving a narrow hole in Isaac's biceps. Isaac took out a large med kit and poured it in the hole. He pulled out his P-sec pistol and shot a couple rounds at the slasher and saw that it didn't do much damage.

"Bullets have no effect!?" Isaac gasped.

Isaac pulled out another weapon, he pulled this cord and a long green beam extended from the barrel. He thrust the plasma chainsaw down the slasher's center, slicing it in half. Then he kept cutting it up until it's pieces were very small.

"Now I can satae these with a delicious sauce and have them for lunch later." He said,

Meanwhile, on the engineering deck...

Richard and Vincent wandered through this flesh covered hallway. Richard ditched his heavy space suit and was in his black pants, white shirt, and blue vest. He kept his suit's backpack and shoulder mounted flashlights though.

"The marker is the thing that created the Necromorphs, we destroy it, we destroy the necromorphs. I know it sounds crazy..." Vincent said.

"Oh no, I believe it. I used to free ghosts." Richard said.

"Ghosts? Theres no such thing as ghosts." vincent said.

"Try telling that to that Creepy Black medium guy, he collects their souls." Richard said.

"Why the hell were you out here anyway? Are you a scavenger?" Vincent asked.

"No, I'm a salesmen. I sell crap I find on my adventures. I heard there was a massive scavenger sale on this ship. Is it still open?" Richard asked.

Meanwhile, at the bridge...

Theodore starred at the camera feed for some time with great pleasure. Behind him, Raz and Milly were being tossed around by Theodore's pet, Chubby.

"Yes, he's here! Once the Psychological 7 arrive, Richard Osmond will face his utter destruction. RAZ, MILLY!" Theodore yelled.

Chubby dropped both of them and they scurried to their feet, saluting.

"Go to Richard's ship and destroy it! We cannot let him escape!" Theodore said.

"Aye Aye sir! I'll cut it apart with my laser knife!" Raz said.

Raz procured a knife with a green beam blade and swung it around.

"Actually, I am a brilliant scientist. I should be able to activate the shuttle's self destuct sequence." Milly said.

"Your lame, you couldn't activate the self destruct sequence on a paper cup!" Raz said.

"At least I didn't think I was someone I wasn't." Milly said.

"Don't make fun of me or I'll stab you!" Raz yelled.

"I'll just taze you!" Milly said, pulling out her stun gun.

"SILENCE!" Theodore yelled.

The sudden order caused Raz to swing his laser knife up and sliced off one of Theodore's hands. The growing rage in Theodore's face caused both of them to panic and ran away. Theodore picked up his hand and put it back in it's socket.

"I should have gotten those idiots from _Hidden Invasion_ for my minions." He muttered.

Meanwhile, back on the medical deck...

Isaac went through another unbarricaded door in search of a shock pad. In a dark hallway, he kept hearing this annoying bumping sound. When he got to the top of this ramp, he some some guy in a green suit banging his head against the wall in frusteration.

"Are you agitated? I have some pills that can help with that." Isaac said.

Isaac put his hand on the guy's shoulder and the man slumped to the ground with hundreds of claw marks on his face. Isaac got scared and ran the other way. Then he quickly came and put some stress relieveing pills down next to him before taking off again. Isaac came into a big room with a big glowing cylinder tilited on it's side inbetween these metal platforms. He picked up an audio log on the ground.

"Babies born this year. James, Angela, Eddie, Mary, Maria, Laura, Thing with Tentacles growing out of it's back, Chris, Jill, Leon, Claire, Another thing with tentacles growing out of it's back, and Periwinkle the purple phillipian plinky possum." It said.

Isaac tossed it away and upgraded his health at the nearby workbench.

"How am I supposed to get across with this massive lava lamp in the way?" Isaac wondered.

Isaac saw this little blue symbol on the cylinder that had a magnet on it. Curious, he took a magnet out of his tool belt and aimed it at the cylinder. The cylinder's mass pulled the magnet onto it's surface tightly. Isaac was unable to pull it off by hand, so he used his kinesis module to grab it and while pulling, moved the cylinder to the side.

"Why can't we have robots or something to do this for us?" Isaac wondered.

Suddenly, Isaac saw a leaper on the wall in the back. Before he could draw his weapon, it leaped at him and tackled him to the ground. As it tried to push his head off his body, he managed to get his gun hand free and sliced it's head off.

"YES! I am victorious!" He said.

Then the leaper thrust it's big stinger tail into the ground right next to his head.

"How the hell do these things function without a head?" Isaac wondered.

Isaac shoved the leaper off and grabbed it's tail. He started slamming it on the floor multiple times before stepping on it's body and ripping the tail off.

"There, the area should be secure now." Isaac said.

Then he was tackled to the ground by another leaper. It stabbed it's tail into the front of his helmet, barely missing his nose. It pulled his helmet off when it pulled it's tail back. Isaac, with his arms restrained, bit the creature's tongue thing from it's mouth and ripped it off. The creature loosened it's grip and Isaac shoved it off. He ripped it's tail off and then pulled off both arms.

"Nobody touches my helmet!" Isaac yelled.

Isaac picked up a big chunk of metal and slammed it down on the leaper's head. He retrieved his helmet and put some duct tape over the hole. He saw a door on the wall that had a panel next to it. He discovered that he need a power node to open it.

"I got something for you alright." Isaac said.

A beam of green energy cut a circle in the door and the interior fell off. Isaac crawled through the hole created by his beam chainsaw and looked around. He saw a shiny gold semiconductor in the corner and a bunch of ammo.

"ooooooo! I Can make a ring for Nicole out of this!" Isaac said.

Isaac took all of the stuff and returned to the bigger room and entered a small workshop to the left. He saw a dead scientist holding a schematic.

"Ohh, I hope it's plans for a portable Ice cream machine." He said.

Before he could grab it, another leaper smashed through the nearby vent.

"Do you have to smash every vent you come across? They probably cost around a bizillion dollars." Isaac said.

The leaper hissed at him, and then was sliced apart by Isaac's plasma cutter. Isaac took the schematic, which was for Pulse rounds. He also grabbed a power node from the blue cabinet on the wall. Isaac went back into the main room and tripped over this big block with an electric sign on it.

"Stupid jack asses, can't even pick up after themselves." Isaac said.

Isaac picked up the block and threw it in the workshop. The scientist inside slowly regained consciousness only to have his head smashed by the block. Isaac got on a small elevator and pressed it's button. It bleeped, saying there was insufficent power.

"Aww come on." Isaac whined, hitting the console.

Isaac got off the elevator and saw a red line that ran from it to a large block shaped hole in the wall. Isaac grabbed a small cardboard box and shoved it in the socket and tried the elevator again, which still didn't work. Then he shoved a leaper's torso in the socket and tried the elevator again, which still didn't work. Then he shoved a Companion cube from _Portal_ in it and tried the elevator again, which still didn't work. Before he knew it, he shoved every possible object in the socket, minus the giant block with the electric sign on it.

"Theres no way this thing can be used with that socket, I probably just need to power it myself." Isaac said.

Isaac hit the socket with a blast of stasis and tried the elevator again, which still didn't work. Then he stabbed a screwdriver in the socket and tried the elevator again, which still didn't work. Then he put the gold semi-conductor in the socket and tried the elevator again, which still didn't work. Then he put the pulse rounds Schematic in the socket and tried the elevator again, which still didn't work.

"ARARRGGGHHHH! I can't take this!" Isaac screamed.

Fueled with anger, Isaac kicked the block with the electric symbol on it into the socket, which turned blue. The elevator he was standing on began to ascend.

"The block with the electric symbol goes in the socket to power the elevator? How the hell does that work?" Isaac wondered.

When the elevator reached the plaform above, Isaac came to a gap in the walkway. The cylinder he moved earlier had a platform on it that could fill the gap. Isaac moved the cylinder to seal the gap and then went to the other side.

"Hmmm, I need to find something to make a bridge." Isaac said.

Isaac went back to the other side and looked down.

"Oh, the bridges just must extend when someone is nearby." He said, oblvious.

Isaac crossed over again and saw a slasher charging at him. He turned around and saw another coming in the opposite direction. He hit the deck and the slashers stabbed each other and fell over the side, hitting the floor hard, dead.

Isaac came to another gap in the bridge and walked into hit, hoping a bridge would extend. He was wrong and he fell back down to the previous floor. He took the elevator up again and went back to the gap. He looked at the cylinder, then the gap, then the cylinder, then the gap, then the cylinder, then the gap.

"Ohhhh! I see, they use the cylinder to brige the gap. Thats stupid, and dangerous. That thing looks Highly volitile." Isaac said.

Isaac carefully moved the cylinder until it bridged the gap and then crossed. He entered a small room with a save station on the wall.

"It has been a while since my last save..." Isaac said.

Isaac pressed the button on the save station and a claw grabbed his testicles and shot electricity into them again.

"Thats not as bad as I thought actually." Isaac said.

Isaac pressed the button again and shot more electricity into his nuts again, and again, and again, and again. Then it stopped working because the hard drive was full. Isaac sulked and shot the red circuit next to a door, unlocking it. He went through it and made his way through this claustrophobic hallway. Then he came into another hallway that was somewhat different from the others.

"Wow, the paint the use in here looks so realistic. It actally looks like theres a tear in the hull!" Isaac said.

It turns out, there was a massive tear in the hull. The vacuum of space could be seen through it.

"Entering Vacuum." A voice on Isaac's suit said.

A countdown timer appeared on the back of Isaac's suit as well, indicating how much oxygen he has left.

"Why do I feel like I'm slowly losing air all of the sudden?" Isaac wondered.

Isaac shrugged off the feeling and went down the ravaged hallway. He looted some more lockers and found some potato chips and Tampons.

"Jeez, why is is so hard to breath in this thing?" Isaac wondered.

Isaac went through another door, which closed behind and his oxygen refilled. He went through another door and came into a big wide open area with crates and canisters floating around.

"Entering Zero gravity." The voice on his suit said.

"Zero gravity? That means I can do my ZG ballet!" Isaac said.

Isaac leaped into the air, where he became weightless. He stretched his arms out and pulled his legs close together, swan diving through the air. Then he touched the tip of his hand together, twisted his legs, and spun around.

"Isaac, you aren't doing your gay ballet thing are you?" Hammond asked.

"IT'S NOT GAY! I mean no." Isaac said.

"Good, what the hell are you doing about that barricade?" Hammond asked.

"I'm gonna blow it up." Isaac said.

"Okay, just try not to take out the entire medical deck." Hammond said.

Isaac smashed some of the crates that were floating around and jumped to the other side of the room. He found a locked door with another square socket. He looked around and saw another block with an electric symbol on it.

"Why do they only have these for certain doors?" Isaac wondered.

Isaac grabbed the block with Kinesis and plugged it into the socket. The door unlocked and he went inside. It was a very small storage room. On the table was a shock pad.

"Finally. Why the fuck is this the only storage room that has one of these? This is the medical deck for crying out loud!" Isaac questioned.

Isaac returned the the Zero gravity room and ducked to avoid a leaper's attack. He saw another one on the far wall.

"These things really make me miss the shooters." Isaac said.

Isaac managed to slice an arm off it with his plasma cutter before it leaped away. He aimed at it as it landed, but a canister drifted in his way.

"Stupid canister, go somewhere else!" Isaac said.

Isaac grabbed the canister and tossed it to the side, blowing up the other leaper. Surprised, Isaac grabbed another canister and threw it at the first leaper, also killing it.

"Why do they leave those things floating around in a medical environment? Are they oxygen tanks?" Isaac wondered.

Curious, Isaac grabbed one canister, took off his helmet and held his mouth to it's nozzle. He turned the handle and gasoline shot into his mouth. He spit it out, individual globlets floating in the zero gravity.

"Gas? Why the fuck do they have gas here? Ecchh!" Isaac said, tossing the canister away.

Isaac left the ZG area and went back to the breached area, where he was attacked by a slasher.

"I was hoping I could fight you guys again." Isaac said.

Isaac sliced him up with his line gun and his pieces drifted out into space.

"Wait a minute, thats not wall paper, thats an actual breach!" Isaac noticed.

Panicking, Isaac ran into the small claustrophobic room before the save station, where there was another slasher. The door shut behind him and they were both squeezed against each other. Isaac was unable to shoot the bastard because his gun was wedged against it's groin. Isaac saw the door on the other side of the slasher, so he reached for the button with his right arm. The slasher stabbed it with it's blade. Isaac screamed and headbutted it in the face. He finally reached the button and he and the slasher both spilled out.

Isaac was the first to scramble to his feet and stomped the shit out of the slasher. He got out a small med kit and was about to pour it on his arm wound when another slasher charged at him. He splashed the med gel all over it. Unsurprisingly, the tears in the slasher's skin healed. Isaac dropped the empty canister and blasted it apart. He went back to the lower floor and 2 leapers engaged him.

"Oh come on!" Isaac yelled.

Meanwhile, on Richard Osmond's space shuttle...

The airlock opened and Raz and Milly fell into the cabin.

"Awesome, now I can cut holes all over this bitch." Raz said.

"That's all you think about Raz, cutting stuff. I'll simply activate the self destruct sequence and we won't have to bother with that." Milly said.

Raz stuck his tongue out at Milly, who zapped it with her stun gun.

"Fine, you go do your thing and I'll slice this thing up like a Pichu." Raz said.

"That's fine by me. Hmph." Milly said.

"Hmph." Raz said.

"Hmph!" Milly said louder.

"Hmph!" Raz said slightly louder.

"HMPH!" Milly said very loudly.

Raz was spooked by Milly's hmph and went to the back of the ship. He pulled out his laser knife and started cutting the outline of a large hole in the wall. Milly went to the controls at the cockpit and started pressing buttons. Before Raz finished cutting the hole, he saw something interesting.

It was a large green chest with stickers from something called "Orpheus" on it. Curious, he fried the lock with his knife and opened it up.

"Whoa, Milly, come look at this!" He said.

"Oh, now your talking to me again." Milly said.

"No, I mean it! Theres some cool stuff over here!" Raz said.

"Raz, we're supposed to destroy this shuttle right about now." Milly said.

"I found a vintage make up set." Raz said.

"VINTAGE!?" Milly griped.

Milly sprinted from the controls to the back of the cabin. She seized a wooden box from Raz and opened it, seeing lipstick and other make up items in gold casings.

"Beautiful!" Milly said.

"Whoa, look at this!" Raz said.

Raz pulled out a phonograph.

"I wonder what song it plays." Milly wondered.

Raz turned it on and _Awake and Alive_ by Skillet began to play.

"This is real crazy shit!" Raz said happily.

Raz and Milly started to dance along with the music, completely forgetting their goal.

Meanwhile, back on the medical deck...

"GET OFF ME!" Isaac screeched.

Isaac grabbed one of the many small green creatures on his torso and threw it off. He did this rapidly until he threw off all of them.

"Why do these empty hallways keep getting refilled with baddies?" Isaac wondered.

Isaac returned to the main room with the barricade. He taped the Thermite on it and then taped the shock pad on it. He turned on the shock pad and quickly dove behind a desk. The barricade exploded, throwing debris everywhere and lodging a piece in a poster with a female scientist encourageing others to observe safety laws.

Isaac peaked over the top of the desk. He saw his exit was now open. He went through the now-accessable door and found a video log on the floor. When he opened it, it showed a beautiful blonde girl.

"Nicole! Your alive!" Isaac gasped.

Isaac fell through the holograpghic video, attempting to hug her.

"We've gotten many paitients lately." Nicole started.

"HEY NURSE! WHERES MY BED PAN!?" A voice in the background yelled.

"I'M GETTING IT MR. FRAGGER! The ship was never equipped to deal with anything like this. They're all insane like they seen some kind of ghost." Nicole continued.

"HELP! THE NAKED WOMAN IS STALKING ME AGAIN!" Another voice yelled.

"I'M COMING SGT. BECKET! Honestly, I just want to smother some of these assholes with a pillow." Nicole said.

"NURSE! MY DAD IS DROWNING ME IN THE BATH TUB AGAIN!" Another voice yelled.

"YOUR NOT DROWNING ALEX SHEPARD!" Nicole yelled back.

"Nicole, where are you? I'm here to rescue you." Isaac said to the video.

"DIE YOU MOTHERFUCKER TURNGAITS!" Another person yelled.

"PHILIP! DROP THAT SCALPEL AND PUT DOCTOR K's LIVER BACK!" Nicole yelled.

The video ended.

"She couldn't hear me. It must be these walls." Isaac said, oblivious.

Isaac went down the now accessable hallway. He wound up in a big room with blood and gurneys everywhere. The lights flickered on and off.

"You'd think we'd have decent light quality in the future." Isaac said.

A lurker snuck out from behind a pillar and started creeping towards Isaac. The lights went out for a second and Isaac looked behind himself. When the lights came back on, the Lurker was gone. It had now moved on top of a gurney. The lights went out again and when they came back on, Isaac was on his knees, looking around the pillar. The Lurker was now clinging onto his back.

"I could have sworn I heard something." He said.

The lurker raised one of it's tentacles, ready to strike Isaac. Isaac suddenly turned slightly and the lurker thrust it's tentacle into a fire extinguasher (Spellchecker stopped working). It exploded, throwing Isaac back and a dead lurker landed in front of him with it's servered tentacle.

"Hmm, Must have been an accident, I think." Isaac wondered.

Suddenly, another lurker launched itself at Isaac.

"You killed my sister!" It groaned in it's native language.

Isaac grabbed one of it's tentacles and swung it into the ground. He stomped on the Lurker and pulled it's tentacle off, spraying blood everywhere. Then the tentacle he just ripped off started strangling him. He backed up and fell onto a gurney. He aimed his Plasma cutter at it and the tentacle wrestled with him over it. Isaac grabbed the other end of it and stretched it out, where he sliced it again.

"I'm amazed at what the author does for humor." Isaac said, exhausted.

Isaac checked out a small back room filled with empty presciption bottles. He checked a box of Tampons to see if there were any for Kendra, but it was empty. He also remembered that Kendra was probably ripped apart. He found some oddly placed ammo in the lockers before leaving the small room.

He saw another big block with an electric symbol on it. He looked around and saw a socket next to a door. He picked it up with Kinesis and shot it into the wall, missing the socket. He picked it up and tried it again, missing again, and again, and again, and again, and again, until he finally got tired of missing and just walked it over to the socket. The lights came back on and a nearby door was unlocked.

Going through the door, Isaac hugged the right wall, literally.

"Oh wall, I love you, you always give me cover from enemy attacks." Isaac said.

Isaac then had a Lurker jump on his head, blocking his vision.

"AAAAAAHHHHHH! GET IT OFF ME!" Isaac screamed.

Isaac ran around the room, blindly firing his Plasma cutter. He sliced off all the limbs of a slasher that was right around the corner and 2 shots just barely missed a portrait of Barack Obama.

"Hah, you missed me." It said.

Then one shot decapitated it. 2 more slashers entered the room through a vent. Isaac backed up into them and shoved them back through the vent.

"I CAN SEE IT'S JUNK!" Isaac screamed again.

The slashers crawled in through a ceiling vent this time. One of them stabbed Isaac in the head, which was shielded by the Lurker. The slasher pulled the Lurker off.

"WHAT THE HELL? I WAS ABOUT TO FINISH HIM!" The lurker said in it's native language.

"ALL YOU WERE DOING WAS HUMPING HIS FACE!" The slasher said in it's native language.

"YOU MOTHER FUCKER!" The lurker cursed.

The Lurker started stabbing the slasher with it's tentacles. Both of the slashers cut off it's tentacles, killing it.

"Oh my god, I can still see it." Isaac said, horrified.

The slashers charged at Isaac. Isaac hit them with his stasis module and shot a Line gun mine in front of them. Their reduced speed prevented them from escaping the explosion and a massive wave of blood splashed on Isaac following their death's.

"I hope theres a showing facility somewhere on this deck." Isaac said.

Isaac sliced open another door that was sealed by a power node. He grabbed a schematic for line gun racks and some ammo. He went down the hall and found an audio log in front of a door.

"I was finally able to see that video feed Everyone was talking about. I had to break into Kyne's office to do so, but I don't regret a second of it. The people on the colony were changing, from humans into a new species, an ugly species. But I'm sure this is the new form of human evolution, improving our very way of life! They might even be angels, maybe. Oh Altman, you are the saviour to us all. If I could only witness this myself. Perhaps that insane man from the colony, yes, he will do. There is absolutely no possible way this will turn into a massive outbreak, that's for sure." The log said.

Isaac tossed the log away. Isaac saw a light at the end of a hallway to the right. Curious, he went down it, then he heard heavy breathing.

"Oh my god, someone's got tuberculosis!" Isaac panicked.

Isaac rushed down the corridor only to find a dead torn up body.

"Then who was making that breathing sound?" Isaac asked.

Isaac looked down and saw a legless slasher, who's throat he was standing on.

"These guys could use some prostetic limbs." Isaac said.

Suddenly, 3 slashers crawled out of a nearby vent and started approaching Isaac in a lined up formation. Isaac shot a line gun blast at them, which sliced through all of their legs. The slashers fell to the ground and started crawling towards Isaac, who repeated the previous action and sliced through all their arms.

"I love this bigger Plasma Cutter." Isaac said.

Isaac picked up a text log that was laying on a tray.

"It is my sorrowful duty to report that Captain B Matthis is in fact, dead. It doesn't really take a genius to see why. A frigging hypodermic needle was shoved through his fucking eye and pushed into his motherfucking brain. Dr. Kyne is the one who did it, though he was actually trying to sedate him. His death should be labled unlawful, though I really don't care. The captain was the A number 1 biggest dick in the fucking universe. Well anyway, this log is pretty much just a complete waste of Mega bytes, so I'm just gonna leave it lay around for someone else to pick up." It said.

"The captain had a hypodermic needle shoved into his eye? He must have been trying to inject his eyes with steroids so he would see better." Isaac said.

Isaac backtracked to the door where he found the audio log and was horrified when he went through it. Behind a glass shield, a female scientist covered in blood was desecting a corpse with a scalpel.

"Oh god, I always get so nausous when I see this kind of stuff." Isaac said.

"And once you remove the liver, you can pour some blood from the artery to give it a nice medium rare flavor." The scientist said.

Isaac shot at the glass with his P-sec pistol, but it was bulletproof.

"Why the fuck are all of these windows Bulletproof!?" Isaac demanded.

"And now we add some lovely soy sauce to the heart to finish our anatomy appitizer. See you next time on Cooking with Joanne." The scientist said.

Using her scalpel, the Scientist slit her throat and fell over, dead.

"Hmm, that was actually more entertaining than most cooking shows I see." Isaac said.

Isaac found another text log on the floor.

"I know you want to bring the Marker up here for further study, but I beg you not to. There has been so much commotion down there since we unearthed it. Blah Blah Blah Blah." It started before Isaac lost interest.

Isaac threw the log away and went through the next door. He came in a dark hallway with windows looking into other rooms.

"Interogation rooms! Just like on TV!" Isaac said.

Isaac went up to one window and looked inside. Suddenly, all the windows shattered. A lurker jumped out from one of the broken windows. It stuck it's tentacles up in the air, which Isaac easily shot off with his line gun. He went into an elevator at the end of the hall and rode it down, listening to some corny out of place music.

When the elevator stopped, Isaac found himself in a creepy ass morgue littered with corpses and blood. Behind a glass enclosure was the body of the dead captain.

"Finally, this chapter feels like it's been in production forever." Isaac said.

Isaac ran face first into the glass enclosure. Upon recovering, Isaac saw a new monster behind the glass. It looked like a tan colored bat with a long sharp tongue. It leaped on the captain's body and started humping it. Isaac gagged before it shoved it's tongue into the captain's skull.

"ECCHHH! He's sucking it's brain." Isaac said.

Suddenly, the captain's body began to shake.

"Wait a minute, he gave the captain CPR." Isaac said, relieved.

Then massive blades shot out from the captain's hands and his jaw fell off. The infector necromorph got off the captain and he got up.

"I guess theres a possibility that hes still human." Isaac said.

The captain roared at Isaac.

"Or maybe not." Isaac said.

Isaac turned around and hid behind a gurney, hoping the captain wouldn't notice him. The captain smashed out of the glass enclosure. Isaac popped up from behind the gurney and fired a stasis blast at him.

"Damn it, out of energy again." Isaac said.

The captain charged at him and slashed at him horizontally. Isaac narrowly backed out of it's range and fell down. He blindly fired his plasma cutter, missing every shot. The captain stabbed him in the chest with his right blade. Isaac grabbed a severed arm and bashed the captain in the face rapidly with it, causing him to back off. Isaac, despite being wounded, jumped to his feet and ran to the other side of the room, where he reloaded his plasma cutter.

The captain ran up to Isaac, whom shot his left arm off with his plasma cutter. Isaac then used his Kinesis module to pick up a waste bin and threw it right in the captain's face. Dazed, the captain fell to the ground, where Isaac stomped the shit out of him.

"Phew, that was one hell of a battle." Isaac said.

The infector tackled Isaac to the ground and tried to stab him in the forehead with it's tongue. Isaac grabbed the tongue with one hand and grabbed the captain's servered blade arm with the other. Using the blade arm, Isaac slashed the tongue off and thrust it into the infector's chest. He threw it against the wall and stomped on it just to be safe.

"That's the last time you try to suck someone's brain, Stellaluna." Isaac said.

Isaac went over to the captain's body. The RIG was a glowing tube thing on the extierior of his spine. Isaac grabbed it and, with lots of work, ripped it off, along with his spine.

"Ewww, this guy must have had a lot of back problems." Isaac said.

Isaac ripped the spine off and started uploading data to Hammond. He looked around and found a power node behind the glass and in one of the caskets, he found some credits on a corpse. As he grabbed them, the corpse sat up and screamed, causing Isaac to also scream and shot the corpse's head off. Freaked, Isaac ran onto a small elevator and rode it back up to the clinic. On the way back to reception, a Slasher tried to kill him, but he easily sliced off all of it's limbs.

"Isaac! I went through the captain's logs and found some weird info. These things came out of the planet's core after it was excavated. They aren't weird infections from _The Thing_, they're aliens!" Hammond said, panicked.

"I can believe that. It happened in _Doom 3_." Isaac said.

"We have major problems though." Hammond continued.

"Did the earth get sucked into the sun?" Isaac asked.

"No." Hammond said.

"Did they cancel _MAD_?" Isaac asked.

"No." Hammond said.

"Then what's so bad?" Isaac asked.

"The engines are offline and we need to get them back on or we'll slam into the planet." Hammond said.

"Oh, I guess that's bad, though not as bad as the cancelation of MAD." Isaac said.

"Take the tram to the engineering deck, and get those engines back online!" Hammond said.

"Why can't you do it?" Isaac asked.

"I'm just the chief of security, damn it." Hammond said.

"Can't you escort me there?" Isaac asked.

"Isaac, every second we waste talking is one second closer to doomsday." Hammond said.

"You mean they're really gonna cancel MAD?" Isaac asked.

"Uhhhhhhh, yes." Hammond said.

Isaac screamed loudly and took off for the tram as fast as he could. Then he quickly came back and uploaded his schematic at the store and sold his gold semi conductor before running off screaming again.

To be continued...

**Sorry for the bad Grammer, my stupid spellchecker stopped working. Hopefully it will be fixed by the next chapter, where you'll finally meet the Psychological 7, plus some other surprises. PLEASE REVIEW! I Just love getting any review so please just review already, as they say in France, ****s'il vous plaît examiner!**


	3. Just keeps going and going and going

Chapter 3: Just keeps going and going and going

**Been balancing some stories if your wondering why it took so long.**

The tram arrived at the station and Isaac quickly scurried off.

"HAMMOND! HAMMOND! HOW DO I STOP THEM FROM CANCELLING MAD!?" Isaac panicked.

"Calm down Isaac. First you'll have to restart the centrifuge." Hammond said.

"Then what? Then what, then what, then what, then what?" Isaac quickly asked.

"The fuel lines are empty, you'll need to put some more gas in them." Hammond said.

"Alright, I must save MAD!" Isaac said, running down the hall.

Meanwhile, in the docking bay...

Theodore Holmes stood on the walkway of the hangar, watching a large red cargo ship land inside. A ramp on the front of it opened, and several figures started walking out.

The first was a man in black pants and black shirt with white circles on it. He had brown hair and a beard. His left index finger was missing from his left hand, wrapped in bandages.

The second was a man in brown hair who wore a 1920s brown suit.

The third was a blonde man in a white shirt with brown pants, clutching a lantern to his chest.

The fourth was truly bizarre. He was a figure molded from clay wearing a brown suit without any hair or eyes. He moved in clay animation.

The fifth was a young girl in brown hair and a blue dress. Though young, she was very dangerous.

The sixth was a man in red pants who was very bulky and moved like an ape.

Theodore flew down to greet them.

"I cannot tell you how happy I am to finally see some professional help. Though I thought there would be 7 of you." Theodore said.

"There are dumbass." A voice said.

Theodore looked down to where the voice came from and saw a cockroach on the floor.

"Your with them?" Theodore asked, shocked.

"Of course I am, let the narrator introduce us." The cockroach said.

A narrator similar to the one from the old _Superfriends_ show started talking.

"United from the fact that they are all from Psychological horror games, they are, the Psychological 7! Ethan Thomas! Jack Walters! Daniel! The guy from _The Dark Eye_! Jennifer! And Benny!" He said.

"And whos the bug?" Theodore asked.

"I'm Roger Samms, the guy who gets turned into a cockroach in _Bad Mojo_." The cockroach said.

"Oh, good for you. Well I won't keep you, go ahead and kill Richard. I'm going to look for my idiot minions." Theodore said.

Theodore disappeared in a red flash of light.

"Alright, who wants first stab at him?" Ethan Thomas asked.

"Oh ME! ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME!" Daniel cried.

"Okay, Roger, your first." Thomas said.

"What?! I didn't even volunteer." Roger said.

"Who cares, even your better than Daniel." Thomas said.

Back on the engineering deck...

Isaac found an audio log laying on the floor.

"This is engineer Temple. We're all neck deep in shit. Ever since they pulled that obelisk thing out of the planet, it's almost like a Horror game up here! Riots are breaking out on the planet surface and hundreds of people are dead. Even worse, theres some sort of virus or something breaking out. Not exactly the T-virus, but dead people are coming back to life! And they have swords growing out of their hands! God, me and my girl are holed up in the pantry. Thankfully, we have lots to eat and can drink our own urine. Anyway, I have no idea how this audio log got to where you are, but I really don't give a shit, signing off." It said.

Isaac tossed the log away and went to the nearby Kiosk. There was now a Pulse rifle and Flamethrower available, but he only had enough credits to purchase one.

"Let's see. What did that one children's show say about this situation?" Isaac thought.

Flashback...

An anthropomorphic tiger in a red sweat shirt started singing.

"Stop. Think. And Choose." He sang.

Suddenly the tiger was stabbed through the chest from behind by a slasher and blood sprayed on the screen.

Back to reality...

"Hmmm. I don't recall the part with the slasher. Well, I always wanted a Pulse Rifle so, PULSE RIFLE! I CHOOSE YOU!" Isaac said loudly.

Pressing the purchase button on the kiosk, it spit out a pulse rifle from the little room behind it.

"Awesome! Now I can be just like Hammond!" Isaac said.

Isaac aimed down the sight and started blasting a corpse that was sitting on a chair, blowing off it's limbs before the rifle bleeped.

"Oh right, I forgot to purchase ammo. Oh well." Isaac said.

Isaac holstered his new gun and went through the only unlocked door in the area. He walked down the hall and saw a slasher laying on the floor. Using his line gun, he shot a mine next to it and exploded the corpse, suspecting that it was still alive.

He found a flame fuel schematic in a small side room and a text log in the other.

"Some weird ass flesh stuff is growing around the ship. It reached engineering today. Don't know what it is, it looks like the ship is growing a new layer of skin. But who the hell grows skin on the inside? Shouldn't it be on the outside? Then again, maybe some psycho got loose on the ship and is peeling off everyone's skin and is stapling it to the walls and ceilings. I got some stuck on my shoe, it smells like cotton candy, but it tastes like pork. I'll have to gather some of it up and add it to my stew, it'll really add some flavor. You know what? I think I'll stash some in the food storage bay, what could possibly happen?" It said.

Isaac tossed the log away and went to a nearby workbench. He upgraded his Pulse rifle's capacity to get some more ammo for it. He found some more ammo on the nearby shelf. He continued down the hallway and came to a wall container that was rattling. Isaac opened it and nearly pissed himself when a mouse jumped out. It ran down the hall he came through, shook it's head, and ran off.

"What the hell was that about?" Isaac asked.

Isaac ignored it and walked down the hall further. He smashed a green crate and got a stasis pack. Then he picked up some credits, and was immediately stabbed by a slasher.

"Ow, it's rude to shove people." Isaac said.

Isaac shot it with a couple rounds from his pulse rifle, which didn't do anything.

"Aww man, why won't this thing do any damage?" Isaac wondered.

Isaac blasted it with like 100 more rounds and it finally died.

"Yay! I never lost faith in you, Pulse rifle." Isaac said.

Isaac continued until he came to some large pit with a rail suspended over it for a tram or some shit like that. There was also a weird ass console here too.

"Is that a plug or something?" Isaac wondered.

Isaac was once again stabbed in the back by a slasher.

"You things really don't have any manners." Isaac said.

Since he already used up all his pulse rifle ammo, he sliced the beast apart with his plasma cutter.

"You should watch that 'can you teach my alligator manners' show on Disney Junior." Isaac continued.

Isaac turned around to look at the console again and was stabbed in the back again by another slasher.

"Did you all come on a bus or something!?" Isaac demanded.

Isaac hit it in the face with his plasma cutter. Then he noticed it got pushed back slightly, closer to the pit. He did this over and over and over again. The slasher's face was so bruised, it looked like a raisin. The he hit it one last time and it plummeted into the pit.

"Say hi to the guy from _Pitfall_ while your down there." Isaac said.

Isaac turned to the console yet again and yet another slasher stabbed him from behind.

"FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!" He yelled.

Isaac fired his plasma cutter semi-auto style. Even after slicing off the limbs, he kept shooting until the magazine ran out. The slasher was just a big pile of red goo by that time.

"DOES ANYONE ELSE WANT SOME!?" Isaac demanded.

Breathing heavily, he reloaded his plasma cutter and turned around briefly. Then he quickly spun back around and fired a shot into the wall, expecting an attack. After facing this direction for several hours, Isaac finally turned to the console again.

It consisted of 2 pieces of metal, one suspended over the other and with a sign that said "Pull down". Isaac grabbed it with his hands and pushed down on it as hard as he could, yet it did not move an inch.

"Stupid faulty machinery. I aughta throw you in that pit." He said.

Isaac grabbed the piece with his Kinesis and pulled it down, connecting it to the other piece.

"Oh, it required the kinesis to move. I still don't understand how those work." Isaac said.

Something on the rails unlocked and a small gondola moved over. However, it stopped before reaching the platform.

"Damn it, the stupid engine must have broken down. I guess I'll have to jump." Isaac said.

Taking a few steps back, Isaac ran towards the pit and jumped at it's edge, missing the gondola by a lot. Plummeting, he suddenly descended into a world covered by fire with countless other people falling into the flames. Isaac screamed as he was engulfed by fire. Then he snapped out of his daydream.

"Ugghh, I'd rather just pull it over here than go through that." Isaac said.

Isaac grabbed the gondola with Kinesis and pulled it over to the platform. He stepped onto it and pressed a button, which made it move in the other direction.

"Oh now it works. These VX-98 motors are cheaper than an electric shaver." Isaac said.

Isaac leaned on the railing, waiting for the gondola to dock with the other platform. Then he saw 3 slashers waiting by the dock.

"Damn it, I can't reach him!" One slasher said.

"Can't that thing go any faster? I'm bored." Another said.

"Holy gibble goose!" Isaac said.

Isaac rapidly pressed the button on the gondola, hoping it would go back, It didn't. As it got closer to the platform, Isaac pulled out his line gun and sliced off all of the slasher's legs, then their arms. After the gondola docked, he walked around their dead bodies. Going down a walkway, he found an audio log.

"Holy shit! What the fuck is wrong with you Henderson? ALTMAN BE PRAISED! This is the report of Temple with my friend Denvar. Our buddy Henderson is acting very peculiar lately. Yesterday, he pulled out his own teeth and now he's masturbating to a fish. BLASPHEMY! Hey, put that thing down! And put on some pants! I'll kill you! Get the fuck away from me man! Oh god, his wang touched my pants. (BANG). Oh shit, is he dead? Nah, that door was made of aluminum. I'm gonna go and burn these pants, I'll see you later. Alright, I'll try to get this dent out of the door." It said.

Isaac threw it away and continued down the walkway. He grabbed a power node and some pulse rifle ammo.

Meanwhile, back on Earth...

In a 2 story house, there sat a woman with brown hair tied into a pony tail. She wore a tan sweater and blue jeans. She was eating some Pizza.

"That jack ass. I can't believe I married him." She muttered.

Suddenly, the phone rang. The woman got up to answer it.

"Richard, where the fuck are-" She started.

"This isn't Richard." A creepy voice said.

"Who is this?" The woman asked.

"Someone from your past, Rebecca." The voice said.

"How do you know my name?" Rebecca asked.

"I know everything about you. I even know your cup size." The voice said.

"How the fuck did you know that?" Rebecca demanded.

"Richard placed a camera in the bathroom." The voice said.

"Look, what do you want?" Rebecca asked.

"I want you Rebecca. I'm in the house." The voice said.

"Is this a _Scream_ parody all the sudden? Get out!" Rebecca hissed.

"I'm gonna make sweet love to your beautiful body with my long tongue." The voice said.

"I'd get out if I were you. I'm about to get my shotgun from the closet." Rebecca said.

"NO! NO NO NO! Don't open the closet!" The voice asked, panicked.

"Why? Are you hiding in there?" Rebecca asked.

"No, no. It's just, uh. Theres no reason to open it." The voice said.

"Mm Hm." Rebecca said, standing in front of the closet.

"I'm like the wind. You'll never find me. I'm invisible." The voice said.

With that said, Rebecca opened the closet and a bunch of junk fell out. Out of the junk came a large Gecko with purple stripes running down his back and wearing the top part of a Tuxedo.

"Gex, I thought I told you to stop breaking in!" Rebecca said.

Gex got out of the junk and grabbed Rebecca around the waist.

"I just thought we could spend some quality time together." He said.

Rebecca sprayed Gex in the eyes with Mace she kept in her pocket. He fell back, screaming.

"Look, I don't have time to play around with your stupid ego. My Husband isn't home." Rebecca said.

"He isn't? Damn it. He promised to take me to the bar today." Gex said.

"Hes on another one of his damn Business trips. I hacked into his Email and found there was a scavenger sale on the USG Ishimura." Rebecca said.

"How did you hack into his Email?" Gex asked.

"He uses 'what the hell does that mean' for every password. I'd like to go up there and slap him right now." Rebecca said.

"I think I could help you there." Gex said.

"I doubt you can. You'd need a space ship to get there." Rebecca said.

"I do have a space ship." Gex said.

"You? Yeah right." Rebecca said, laughing.

"No Seriously! I used it in my third game! I could take you to him, if you can (rubs hand on Rebecca's shoulder) repay me." Gex said.

"How about you take me and I won't blow your fucking head off?" Rebecca said.

"Deal. The problem is I don't have any fuel for it." Gex said.

"Hmm, I dated this guy back in high school who might be able to get some for us." Rebecca said.

"Ohh, sexy." Gex said before Rebecca slapped him.

Back on the Ishimura...

Isaac watched as a Leaper fled through a vent.

"Are these things afraid of me?" Isaac wondered.

Isaac went down this walkway and grabbed a schematic for a weapon called the ripper. Then he saw another one of those weird switch things.

"Why can't they just use regular circuit breakers like normal people?" He wondered.

Isaac lowered it. Seeing that there was no other path, he started heading back to the gondola. A lurker waddled into his path.

"These things are afraid of me. I don't even have to fire a shot." Isaac thought.

Isaac threw his arms up in the air and made a weird noise that sounded like "garsgagrrhh". The Lurker looked at him, confused. Regardless, it leaped at him anyway and started stabbing at him.

"Stupid false sense of security!" Isaac cursed.

Isaac was confused when he saw a flashing X button appear on the screen. He did what he always did to the lurkers, grabbed it by one of it's tentacles and slammed it around.

Isaac went back to the Gondola and rode it back across.

"Well that was a stupid waste of time." Isaac said.

When Isaac got back to the control room, he saw an Infector thrusting it's tongue into the head of the limbless corpse he shot earlier.

"Damn it, you ruined my host, you shit head!" It said in it's native language.

Isaac blasted it apart with his Pulse Rifle. Then he uploaded the ripper schematic at the kiosk. Sadly, he was still unable to purchase a new weapon.

"Now where the hell do I have to go?" Isaac wondered.

Isaac rested his hand on a chair and pressed a button on his glove. A blue light shot out from it and drew a blue line on the floor.

"What the? Oh right, the weird way point system thingy. I forgot I packed it." Isaac said.

Isaac blindly followed the line on the floor and walked into an elevator, bumping his head on a button.

Meanwhile, on Richard's shuttle...

Theodore came in through the airlock.

"Why the fuck haven't they destroyed this yet!?" Theodore wondered.

Theodore looked to the left and almost screamed in anger. Raz and Milly were listening to a phonograph that was playing _Welcome to the Masquerade_ by Thousand Foot Krutch and dancing by bouncing up and down. Milly was wearing a pink scarf and Raz donned a tuxedo. Theodore angerly stomped over to them and smashed the phonograph, scaring them.

"I tell you 2 to destroy this shuttle and you throw a fucking dance party!?" Theodore demanded.

"Don't worry master! I'll get right back to work!" Raz said.

"Sorry Master, but look at all this cool stuff we found." Milly said.

Milly showed him pink diary.

"It belonged to some old woman who couldn't find any living relatives and had a cat named Ruthie." Milly said.

"I don't care!" Theodore yelled, knocking the book out of her hands.

Meanwhile, Raz pulled out his laser knife and resumed cutting the hole in the wall, completing it. He pushed the section out and a powerful vacuum sucked him, Milly, Theodore, and all the stuff out into space.

"See? I told you." Raz said.

"He can still use the shuttle you idiot. All you did was cut one hole in it." Theodore said.

Theodore created a large ball of red energy between his hands and threw it at the shuttle, destroying it.

"Now finish repairing my dagger or I'll replace you both with those morons from _Martian Gothic: Unification_!" Theodore threatened.

Theodore vanished in a burst of red energy.

"Let's take this stuff with us." Raz said.

"Yeah, we'll hide it in the cargo bay." Milly said.

Back on the engineering deck...

Isaac attached a power node to his RIG. After finding more worthless crap in the lockers, he entered this square shaped room with a table in the middle and windows all over. He pressed a button on the table and the doors suddenly locked and the lights flashed red.

"Decontamination process beginning." A voice said.

"Decontamination? Why is there a decontamination chamber next to the centrifuge chamber?" Isaac wondered.

Meanwhile, further down the hall...

Richard and Vincent turned around, hearing the noise.

"Someones in the decon chamber. We should team up and die together!" Vincent said.

"But what if it's one of those monster things?" Richard asked.

"Do you have any weapons?" Vincent asked.

"No, I got this." Richard said.

Richard pulled out a med kit with 3 syringes of sedatives.

"That's all you have? No knives or guns?" Vincent asked.

"Do they have anything like that in _Echo Night Beyond_?" Richard said.

"Fine, it'll have to do." Vincent said.

Vincent took one of the syringes and she and Richard ran down the hall.

Back in the Decontamination (God I hate that word) chamber...

"Seriously, why is there a decontamination chamber by the centrifuge?" Isaac wondered.

Isaac looked at one of the windows and saw some slashers run by.

"They'll never get in here, the doors are locked." Isaac said, cheerfully.

Then a leaper smashed through a nearby vent.

"Oh right. They use vents to travel..." Isaac said.

Isaac fired his plasma cutter at it, which it dodged quickly and stuck to the ceiling. Isaac shot at it again, also missing when the leaper jumped onto the table. It tackled him to the floor and tried to push his head off. Isaac grabbed a can of disinfectant spray and sprayed it in the leaper's eyes. Strangely, the leaper's eyes disintegrated because they were dead matter. Isaac shoved the corpse off him and got up.

This time a slasher came through the now open vent. Using the same technique he's been using the entire game, he severed it's limbs.

"I'm getting tired of these boring fight sequences." Isaac said.

Isaac switched to the line gun and dropped a mine in front of the vent. A slasher came out and was blown the fuck up by it. Then he dropped another mine and did the same to another slasher.

"I can do this all day." Isaac said.

Then a slasher broke through a vent behind Isaac and stabbed him in the back. Isaac pressed his line gun against it's upper torso and blew off it's arms and head. For a short duration, Isaac blasted slashers as they started climbing out of the vents. Then a weird mole wearing a hardhat with a light on it poked his head up out of the vents.

"Hello, can I take you to a different floor so you can find the items on Miss Kitten's list?" He asked.

He never got his answer. Isaac sliced his head off with the line gun.

"Golly, these monsters keep getting weirder, and somewhat adorable." Isaac said.

"Decontamination process complete." The voice said.

"It's about trucking time." Isaac said, angry.

The exit door opened and a slasher ran towards Isaac. Before he shot it however, Vincent jumped onto it's back and stabbed a sedative into it's right arm, which went limp. It threw her off. Richard came onto the scene, still holding his med kit.

"Need some more?" He asked, holding out another syringe.

Vincent grabbed the syringe and threw it at the slasher. It missed and hit Isaac on his right shoulder, causing his gun arm to go limp.

"You missed, do it right this time!" Richard said, handing her another.

Vincent threw the last syringe at the slasher, completely missing it and hitting Isaac in his left leg, causing him to fall over.

"Give me another!" Vincent urgently demanded.

"I don't have any more." Richard said.

The slasher thrust one of it's blades at Vincent, whom rolled to the side, dodging it. Richard grasped his med kit and slammed it down as hard as he could on the slasher's head. The slasher fell on the floor and was pummeled to death by both Vincent and Richard.

"These things are pretty cool." Richard said.

"Cool? They're fucking hideous!" Vincent said.

"True, but they're still much more entertaining than all the ghosts I've freed." Richard said.

Isaac crawled out of the decontamination chamber by pulling himself along the ground with his working arm.

"Hey! Richard! What are you doing here?" Isaac asked.

"Hey, I remember you. Your that crazy engineer who helped me on the Orpheus and that weird mansion, Issac." Richard said.

"It's Isaac." Isaac said.

"I know, Issac." Richard said.

"You 2 know each other?" Vincent asked.

"Is this your new wife? Did you break up with Rebecca?" Isaac asked.

"Hell no, this is just some random chick I found floating around in space." Richard said.

"I'm Alissa Vincent, security chief of the Ishimura." Vincent said.

"You work here? That means you can help us repair the ship! Give me your keycards!" Isaac said, holding his hand out.

"Why the fuck do you want to repair the ship? It has to be destroyed!" Vincent said.

"That wasn't mentioned in the CEC Briefing." Isaac said.

"CEC? Who the hell called them?" Vincent asked.

"What's CEC stand for?" Richard asked.

"Look, forget it. We have to destroy this ship and get the hell up outta here." Vincent said.

"Our orbit is decaying. If I don't repair the centrifuge, we'll slam into the planet's surface." Isaac said.

"Good, then it'll save me the time of placing explosives all over the place." Vincent said.

"I'm not leaving until I repair this ship!" Isaac said.

"I'm captain of security, so I'm in charge." Vincent said.

Isaac suddenly sprung to his feet and shoved his plasma cutter in Vincent's face.

"SWEAR TO ME THAT YOU'LL LET ME REPAIR THE SHIP!" Isaac screamed, frightening Richard.

"Okay, okay. We'll do it your way." Vincent said.

"Good. Now lets head to the centrifuge." Isaac said.

"Say Issac, I noticed that fancy gun ya got. Do you happen to have any more?" Richard asked.

"Yeah, I have a line gun, a plasma saw, a laser pick, a rivet gun, a P-sec pistol, and a Pulse rifle." Isaac said.

"Ohh, I want the pulse rifle." Richard said.

"But I bought that with my own credits." Isaac said.

"Is there anything you didn't buy with your own credits?" Vincent asked.

"The plasma saw, laser pick, rivet gun, and P-sec pistol." Isaac said.

"Good, I'll take the pistol then and the pick axe thing." Richard said.

"Are you sure you want to go with those?" Vincent asked.

"Sure, the pistol will do more damage than any of those lame tools." Richard said.

"I wouldn't be so sure about that." Vincent said.

"Whatever, give me my gun." Richard demanded, holding his hands out.

Isaac gave Richard the P-sec pistol and Laser pick, then gave Vincent the Plasma chainsaw and Rivet gun.

"By the way? Do you know what these are?" Richard asked, holding out a power node and credit.

"Uhh, no, but I'll hang onto them for you." Isaac said.

Isaac took the power node and credits. The new team walked down the hallway leading to the centrifuge. There were some strange holes in the wall.

"These look like the holes created by those weird rat creatures from _Metro 2033_, if you enter one, they all maul you to death." Richard said.

"They must like shiny things, look at this." Vincent said, holding up a gold semi-conductor.

"Ooo, that might be worth something on eBay." Richard said.

"It's worth a lot at the ship kiosks. I can't carry it though, my inventory is full." Isaac said.

"Not to worry, my backpack can hold infinite items." Richard said.

Richard stashed the semi-conductor in his back pack. Then Isaac gave him some ammo and an air can he found laying on the ground too.

Meanwhile, somewhere on the bridge...

"Hey master, I finished your dagger." Raz said.

"You have? Finally, something done right for once. Let me see it." Theodore said.

Raz handed Theodore a bronze dagger with a red stone on it's hilt, that was entirely pieced together with cheap duct tape. Theodore looked at Raz with an "Are you serious" look.

"Pretty professional right?" Raz asked.

Theodore smashed the dagger over Raz's head, indicating it's poor craftsmanship.

"You idiot! I can't use it's powers like this! Damn it, is there anyone on this ship who knows what the hell they're doing?" Theodore demanded.

Suddenly, a video feed came up on the computer. A man with a short black beard came onscreen.

"Perhaps I can be of assistance." The man said.

"Who the hell are you?" Theodore demanded.

"I am Doctor Challus Mercer. I work on this ship as a Bio scientist." Mercer said.

"How could a Bio scientist repair a magic dagger?" Theodore asked.

"I also took an industrial arts class. I took it to make small Markers." Mercer said.

"Hmm, oh well, better than these 2 nimrods. Sure." Theodore said.

"All I ask in return is that you bring me some "Volunteers" for my experiments." Mercer said.

"Certainly, I'll send these 2 down to help you." Theodore said.

"NO MASTER, PLEASE!" Milly begged.

"You 2 should be retired." Theodore said.

"No please, we can find you some other volition guys!" Raz said.

"It's Volunteers, and I doubt you'd be capable of doing even that." Theodore said.

Raz and Milly fell to their knees and grabbed Theodore's pant legs.

"PLEASE JUST ONE MORE CHANCE! WE WON'T DISAPPOINT YOU! PLEASSE!?" They both begged.

"Alright! Alright! Just get your hands off my pants! Use my teleportation magic to locate 4 subjects. And if you fail, I'll make sure he'll make you both suffer!" Theodore threatened, swatting them off.

"Thank you master, we won't fail you." Raz said.

"We'll bring back awesome test subjects." Milly said.

Raz and Milly ran through a big red portal that appeared out of nowhere, then disappeared.

"They're both replaced." Theodore muttered.

Meanwhile, somewhere on Earth...

A man with brown hair, glasses, a short brown beard, and an orange/black Hazmat suit lay on the floor of a werehouse. His friend, a girl with black hair, gray short sleeved coat and jeans clutched an old black man with gray hair, green sweater with white shirt and gray pants with a prosthetic leg, who was dead. Behind her stood a large brown robot with a single red eye. She cried her lungs out.

"Uhh, Alex? Could you maybe help me up? I think I'm paralyzed." The man asked.

"DAD! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOO!" Alex, the girl, screamed.

A red portal opened and Raz and Milly emerged.

"What the fuck?" The man on the ground muttered.

"How about her? She looks hot." Raz said.

"No, that robot is in the way. Is that weirdo in the space suit still alive?" Milly asked Raz.

Raz ran over to The man on the ground.

"No, I can't feel a pulse." Raz said.

"Your feeling his groin you idiot." Milly said, slapping Raz.

Milly felt the man's wrist.

"Yes, hes still alive. Lets get him back to the ship." Milly said.

Raz grabbed the man by his feet and Milly grabbed him by his shoulders. They carried him towards the portal.

"Oh shit, ALEX HELP!" He yelled.

Alex was still crying over her dead dad to notice. Raz and Milly carried The man through the red portal, which then vanished.

Meanwhile, somewhere in heaven...

A naked man with brown hair and a black cross sown on his chest stood looking at this mountain in the background.

"I did not die, I did not live." He said.

Suddenly, he fell to the ground, shaking violently. Fell victim to Milly's tazer.

"Ewww, I'm not touching that guy." Raz said.

"Carry his top half. I'll take his lower half." She said.

"Your not gonna play with him are you?" Raz asked.

"Of course not, why would you assume that?" Milly asked.

"Your holding him by his ass." Raz said.

"I am? UGGHHHH!" Milly said, dropping the man.

Milly rubbed her hands on her vest and picked up the guy by his feet, where they dragged him into the portal.

Meanwhile, in the future...

A man in a futuristic uniform with a cowboy hat walked down the hall. Suddenly, he spotted a sandwich on the ground. Licking his lips, he picked it up. A string it was tied to pulled a pair of scissors to cut another string that was holding a safe in the air, which landed right next to the man. Milly ran up behind him and tazed him.

"I told you it wouldn't work." She said.

"Well I don't see you coming up with any creative ideas. You just taze everyone you see with that stun gun." Raz said.

The duo dragged the man in the hat into the red portal.

Meanwhile, back on earth, again...

Raz and Milly stood on a rooftop of a white building in the bright sun.

"I thought you said someone was up here." Raz said.

"Where there was, she must have-" Milly started.

Suddenly, a woman with black hair wearing a red glove, black tank top, white pants, and red shoes sprinted past the duo.

"Hey! Get back here!" Milly yelled.

Milly drew her Stun gun and ran after the woman as fast as she could. Then she stopped and hunched over, catching her breath.

"That bitch is fast." She said.

"Your a slow poke, let a real man do some running." Raz said.

Raz started chasing after the woman She jumped off the edge of the building and landed on a scaffolding on the adjacent one. Raz jumped off the edge and screamed as he plummeted and barely grabbed hold of the scaffolding's ledge. Milly stood over him.

"How the hell did you get over here so fast?" Raz asked.

"I took the Zipline. Still want to do things the real manly way?" Milly asked.

"Just help me up and I'll stop taunting you." Raz said.

Milly pulled Raz up onto the scaffolding.

"How the hell are we gonna catch that bitch?" Raz asked.

"Not to worry, I have a plan." Milly said.

Later the woman in the white pants walked along a narrow pipe line. Then, she saw an air conditioning unit that had a cardboard sign on it that said "shortcut).

"Oh good, this sun is ruining my hair." The woman said.

Leaping from the pipe, the woman plummeted as the air conditioning unit was pulled into a window and landed inside a bag held out by Milly, who was in the window below it.

"Whos creative now?" Milly asked.

"Awww quiet." Raz said.

Meanwhile, on another planet...

A man wearing a dark gray suit of battle armor lay almost dead on the ground. A massive cavity filled his chest. His helmet lay not far from his body. Raz and Milly ran over to him.

"Oh my god! Is he still alive?" Milly asked.

"I'll check his pulse." Raz said.

"No, I will." Milly said.

Milly felt the man's pulse while Raz watched with anticipation.

"He's alive, barely. We'll need to use our emergency spray." Milly said.

"Oh, you mean the medical stuff?" Raz asked.

"Did you sniff it all again!?" Milly demanded.

"Well I wouldn't say sniff all of it." Raz said.

"Forget it, let's just get him back to the ship for some real medical attention." Milly said.

"This guy's ugly, I'm gonna cover his face." Raz said.

Raz picked up the man's helmet and slipped it on backwards. They carried him back into the red portal.

Back on the Ishimura...

Isaac and his new team of engineers entered the centrifuge chamber. The gravity was disabled. Richard and Vincent donned these space suits found in the room before.

"Okay, we just need to insert the rotors and switch it back on. Simple." Isaac said.

"WEEEEEEEEE!" Richard yelled.

Isaac looked up and saw Richard flying towards the ceiling.

"Come on Richard, I need your help." Isaac said.

"How the hell could I possibly move one of those-" Richard started before slamming face first into the ceiling.

Vincent broke out into laughter. Suddenly, Vincent was tackled by a leaper. Isaac panicked and jumped to the wall across the room.

"Hang on sexy, I'll save you!" Richard cried.

Richard jumped back to the catwalk and hit it headfirst again. Rushing to his feet, he started unloading his P-sec pistol onto it. He emptied the entire clip on it and all he did was blow off a few of it's fingers.

"This never happened in _Resident Evil 4_." He said.

He pulled out his laser pick and accidentally stabbed Vincent in the shoulder.

"OWWW! What the fuck are you doing?" Vincent yelled.

"Sorry." Richard said.

He pulled the pick out and accidentally stabbed her in the other shoulder.

"FOR FUCK'S SAKE, STAB IT! NOT ME!" Vincent yelled.

"It would be a lot easier without all the yelling!" Richard yelled.

Richard pulled the pick out one last time and finally stabbed the leaper in the head, killing it.

"Your the best shot I know." Vincent said.

"Oh shut up. Your the one who let that thing pounce on you." Richard said.

"Well maybe if you chose the rivet gun you could, say, wheres Isaac?" Vincent asked.

Richard and Vincent turned to a rattling wall cabinet. Richard pressed the button on it and Isaac spilled out from it.

"How the hell did you wedge yourself in there?" Richard asked.

"I just coiled my legs up. Is the jumpy thing dead?" Isaac asked.

"Yeah, no thanks to you." Vincent said.

"I've been killing stuff for several hours already. Haven't I earned a rest?" Isaac asked.

"Fuck no, that's like the lazy A.I controlled allies in the _Uncharted_ series." Richard said.

There was a strangely awkward silence after this because noone had anything else to say.

"Well I better fix the rotor." Isaac said, breaking the silence.

Isaac zero jumped down to the ground floor. Vincent and Richard followed, the latter landing face first. Isaac grabbed one of the rotors with kinesis and slowly moved it to the centrifuge.

"Whoa, how do you do that?" Richard asked, walking behind the rotor.

When the moving rotor touched the centrifuge's socket, it sparked and was forced backward, slamming into Richard and throwing him back.

"Dang it, the rotor can't be attached while it's still moving." Isaac said.

"Can't you shut it off then turn it back on?" Vincent asked.

"Nope, these things don't have an off switch." Isaac said.

"Why the hell not?" Vincent asked.

"So they can't be sabotaged." Isaac said.

"Sabotaged? All someone would have to do is blow it up to sabotage it." Vincent said.

"Well maybe, but that would take much more effort." Isaac said.

"Why the hell aren't they connected to the centrifuge?" Vincent asked.

"They must have been disconnected to avoid overheating or something." Isaac said.

"You don't know? I thought you were trained to know this stuff." Vincent said.

"I'm an OOC from the mind of the author, I only know as much as he does." Isaac said.

"Then how are people supposed to fix these things if they keep moving?" Vincent asked.

Richard regained consciousness and sat up.

"You have to hit them with a stasis module, like this." Isaac said, shooting some stasis stuff at the rotor.

Richard got up and was bewildered by the slow rotor.

"Damn, how many cool gadgets do you have?" Richard asked.

Richard moved his hand against the rotor's cylinder. Then the stasis wore off and the rotor tore off one of his fingers, which floated in the zero gravity. Richard screamed and shoved his wounded hand in under one of his armpits to stop the bleeding.

"Could you warn me when something like that is going to happen?" Richard loudly demanded.

"Theres no way to tell when it wears off." Isaac said.

"Where the hell is my finger? There it is." Richard said.

Richard jumped up and barely missed the finger floating in the air.

"Damn it, missed." He said before hitting the ceiling.

He jumped down from the ceiling this time.

"Damn it, missed again." He said before hitting the floor.

Isaac grabbed the finger with his Kinesis and gave it back to Richard, along with a med kit.

"Here, put some of this weird gelatin medical stuff on it." Isaac said.

"Is this body wash?" Richard asked.

"No, it's medical gel." Vincent said.

"It smells like body wash." Richard said.

"Can we pick up the pace? We're almost over 19 pages." Vincent said.

Richard put the med gel on his finger socket and stuck his finger back on it, which welded to his hand. Isaac stasis'ed the rotor again and moved it into it's socket, this time, it worked.

"Now I just have to do the other side. Uh oh, I'm out of stasis." Isaac said.

"Do you have any stasis packs?" Vincent asked.

"Nope, I sold them all to buy some ripper blades." Isaac said.

"Maybe we can use that communication terminal up there to order one." Richard said.

"What communication terminal? The crew on this ship are equipped with wireless communicators." Vincent said.

"Then what the hell is that for?" Richard asked, pointing to a thing on the wall on the upper level.

"That's a stasis station! I can refill my stasis with that!" Isaac said.

"I guess thats why they're called stasis stations." Richard said.

"Really? I was wondering about that." Isaac said.

"For Christ's sake, I am tired of this fucking room, lets just fix the centrithingy already and leave." Richard said.

Isaac jumped up to the stasis station and refilled his stasis. Then he jumped back down, stasis'ed the rotor, and moved it back to the centrifuge.

"There we go, now we just have to restart it." Isaac said.

Isaac leaped back up to the catwalk and moved over to a control console.

"How did these things pass safety regulations? They're dangerous as hell!" Richard said.

Isaac then pressed a button on the control console.

"Centrifuge restarting. Opening vacuum, zero gravity removed, haul ass out of lower level immediately." The computer said.

"Wait, what? No! Stop it! We're still down here!" Vincent yelled.

"I told you this shit was unsafe!" Richard yelled.

The rotors were pulled into the centrifuge. Then 2 big arms emerged from it. The floor below Richard and Vincent slowly began to open into space. Quickly, they sprinted into a nearby alcove. The arms started spinning around the centrifuge.

"Okay, now that shit is super unsafe!" Richard said.

Isaac took a small elevator down into the alcove.

"Hey guys, theres a big pile of wreckage blocking the way back to the airlock." Isaac said.

"Then how the fuck are we supposed to get back to the frigging airlock?!" Vincent demanded.

"We can fly there." Isaac said.

Isaac jumped forward and landed flat on his stomach.

"The weird computer lady said the zero gravity was disabled." Richard said.

"Theres another lift on the other side of the chamber." Isaac said.

"Oh thanks for pointing that out to us right after we got trapped on this side!" Vincent yelled.

Richard suddenly noticed a timer on the back of Isaac's suit.

"Izy, you got a stopwatch built into your suit?" Richard asked.

"Oh that's not a stopwatch, it's my oxygen level. We're running on the reserves in our suits since we're in a vacuum." Isaac said.

"You mean we're gonna suffocate if we don't get out of here?!" Richard demanded.

"I probably should have mentioned that earlier." Isaac said.

"We might be able to work our way around to the elevator if we take cover in the other alcoves." Vincent said.

"Good idea, I'll lead." Isaac said.

Isaac took one step out of the alcove and jumped back as the centrifuge arm swung by. Then he took a step out of the alcove and jumped back as the centrifuge swung by. Then he took a step out of the alcove and jumped back as the centrifuge swung by. Then he took a step out of the alcove and jumped back as the centrifuge swung by. Then he took a step out of the alcove and jumped back as the centrifuge swung by.

"Alright, enough dicking around. Follow me." Richard said.

Richard grabbed Isaac's hand and waited for the centrifuge to swing by. As it did, Richard and Vincent sprinted down the narrow walkway after it, with Isaac in tow, before pausing in another Alcove.

"I thought you had a running disorder back in _Echo Fright_." Isaac said.

"Oh, I'm on some new meds that eliminate it." Richard said.

"I can feel the oxygen in my suit thinning." Vincent said.

"I still have this." Richard said, pulling out the air can.

"GIVE IT TO ME!" Vincent screeched.

"Hell no! I'm the one who carried it here!" Richard yelled.

Vincent grabbed hold of the air can and tried to wrestle it away from Richard.

"GIVE IT TO ME DAMN IT!" Vincent yelled.

"Let's just split the air, alright?" Richard asked.

"Fine." Vincent said.

Richard inserted the nozzle into his suit's air tank and shot some air into it. Then he gave it to Vincent, who shot some air into it. Then she gave it to Isaac, who tried to shoot some air into his, but it was empty. They sprinted to the next alcove after the arm passed.

"Alright, this is pretty easy." Richard said.

Richard took a single step forward.

"Oww! Watch it you motherfucker!" A voice yelled.

Richard jumped back and saw a cockroach laying on the floor.

"I aughta chew your fucking brain out you cock sucking jack ass!" Roger Samms said.

"What the fuck is this? So weird new enemy?" Richard asked.

"I've been hired by Theodore Holmes to take you down bitch!" Roger yelled.

"The crazy guy in the stupid Parka? I thought I killed him." Richard said.

"Richard, what's going on?" Vincent asked.

"Don't worry your sweet ass about it." Richard said, slapping Her on the ass.

"Get ready to die motherfucker!" Roger yelled.

Roger crawled on Richard's shoe, which was as far as he was gonna get. Richard grabbed him by his antenna.

"Put me down you asshole!" Roger yelled.

Richard dropped Roger and kicked him out of the alcove, where he was slammed away by the centrifuge arm.

"YOU MOTHERFUCKER!" Roger yelled as he was hurled away.

"Maybe you should have appROACHed me at a different angle." Richard said, laughing.

"Ha Ha, now lets get moving." Vincent said.

"You see what I did there? I said Roach." Richard said.

"We know, and it sucked." Vincent said.

"Fine, then don't expect me to laugh at any of your wise ass jokes." Richard said.

The team ran into another different alcove after the arm.

"This isn't so hard, we'll be out of here in a-" Richard started.

Richard was then tackled by a slasher hiding in the alcove. As he held it's arms back, Isaac shot them off with his plasma cutter.

"When the hell did this thing sneak in here?" Richard asked.

"He was probably installing this oxygen station." Isaac said, pointing to the wall.

Richard and Vincent stared at the station intensely. They both rushed over to it and instantly refilled their oxygen reserves. After all of them filled up, they ran into the next alcove. Isaac easily sliced up a leaper with his plasma cutter and they rode an elevator up to the airlock.

They started back down the hallway with all the holes in the wall.

"I can't believe how long we were in there. We might have to split this chapter in 2." Richard said.

"Don't worry, there are hundreds of Fan Fiction stories that have chapters that are around 40 pages long." Isaac said.

Suddenly, a weird flesh covered tentacle reached out from one of the holes in the wall and grabbed Isaac by his right leg. Vincent and Richard panicked and ran back into the centrifuge room. The tentacle pulled Isaac off his feet and started dragging him back to the hole.

"OWWW! Your giving me rug burn asshole!" Isaac yelled.

Isaac fired blindly with his plasma cutter. It didn't seem to get him anywhere, he pulled out his pulse rifle and blindly fired with it instead. One shot hit a bloated yellow sack on the tentacle, this made it angry and swung Isaac around. Isaac shot a stasis blast towards the sack, which missed since it jerked to the side.

"Dang it, hold still!" Isaac yelled.

Isaac filled the room with missed stasis blasts. After his stasis energy ran out, he switched to his line gun. His missed the sack again when the tentacle jerked to the side again.

"Damn it! How the hell am I supposed to kill this thing?" Isaac loudly demanded.

Isaac shot a mine right next to the tentacle. At first, he gloated, then the tentacle pulled him right next to it, where it blew up in his face. Angry, Isaac took a purple pill that steadied his aim and exploded the sack on the tentacle.

Vincent and Richard came back inside and shrieked when they saw Isaac's white armor covered in yellow mucus shit.

"I can't believe you guys left me to die! Your horrible!" Isaac sobbed.

Isaac ran back into the decontamination chamber, which cleaned himself off. As he left it, a slasher jumped out from around the corner and was instantly sliced in half by Isaac's line gun. Richard and Vincent caught up with him.

"We didn't leave you to die, we just let you deal with it while we hid." Richard said.

Isaac looked at him for a moment.

"Okay. Let's get to the fuel chamber." Isaac said.

The guys got back on the elevator that took Isaac down to this retarded area and rode it back up. As it ascended, Isaac's video feed came up with Kendra wearing aluminum foil on her head.

"Isaac? Can you hear me?" Kendra said.

"Oh my god! It's a poltergeist!" Isaac yelled, flailing at the screen.

"No Isaac, I'm not dead, I've barricaded myself in the computer core." Kendra said.

"I thought Hammond said your head was ripped off." Isaac said.

"Hammond doesn't know the difference between Iran and Iraq." Kendra said.

"What's Iran and Iraq?" Isaac asked.

"Look, I don't have time for this, my hair is dyeing. I hacked the computer core and found out the monsters came from underneath the planet's surface after this weird obelisk thing called the Marker was pulled out." Kendra said.

"You hacked the computer core? Your under arrest!" Vincent said.

"Who is that? You found survivors? Oh well, just fix the ship. I unlocked the door to the fuel room. Good luck or whatever." Kendra said before hanging up.

"I wonder what cup size she wears?" Richard wondered.

The elevator reached the top. Isaac sold some useless items to the kiosk and showed Richard how to use one. He sold the gold semiconductor and purchased a ripper.

"Sweet! Now I can open doors without a key." Richard said.

"Or decapitate some monsters." Vincent pointed out.

"Oh right, I forgot I'm in a game where I can actually fight back." Richard said.

The gang went through the door Kendra unlocked and went down a long hallway.

"This is where we entered the ship from. My shuttles right outside." Richard said.

"We should really just escape with it." Vincent said.

"Just think how good it will be after I repair the ship." Isaac said.

They went through another door and came to a room that was breached. The catwalk was ripped in pieces.

"Thats funny. I don't see it. I parked it right there." Richard said.

"Hey look what I found. It's a horn." Isaac said, holding some weird thing.

"Thats the speaker to the phonograph I was gonna sell. How'd it get out here?" Richard said.

Richard looked to the side and saw Vincent sitting in a purple cashmere chair.

"And thats my custom made pilot's chair! What the hell happened to my shuttle?" Richard demanded.

Suddenly, one of the fins of his shuttle floated by the breach.

"What the fuck!? Did it get hit by a meteor or something? How the hell am I going to get home?!" Richard demanded.

"We could just drive this ship there." Isaac said.

"Yeah, if you'd want to let all those things loose on Earth." Vincent said.

"I'm just an engineer, if you want to kill stuff, call an exterminator." Isaac said.

Isaac jumped to this piece of catwalk that was floating in the zero gravity. He was standing upside down.

"Say, this looks like one of those puzzle levels in _Quantum Condundrum_. We could make stuff really light or really heavy or slow down time or disable gravity while we listen to that annoying idiot professor." Richard said.

"Oh shit, more crawling things!" Isaac yelled.

A leaper jumped at Isaac, who ducked and it soared off into space, screeching.

"Okay, no more crawly things." Isaac said.

The guys jumped to a circular corridor and reentered the ship.

"These space suits look horrible. Tell me if you see any spray paint." Vincent said.

"Tell me if you see any Vodka." Richard said.

The guys salvaged ammo and shit and entered the next corridor, which was covered in this weird tan alien flesh.

"Ewww, it feels like I'm walking down a Reverse Side area in _Silent Hill 3_." Richard said.

"EEWWW! It's sticking to my feet! I can't run!" Vincent said.

"Don't worry, we got guns, we don't need to run." Richard said.

A glass bottle that was sitting on a shelf fell off and shattered on the floor. The group panicked and started trodding across the flesh and hid in a nearby room, slamming the door behind them.

"Where the hell did all this squishy stuff come from? Did everyone on board all vomit at the same time?" Richard asked.

"Maybe the monsters were trying to use human skin as carpeting." Vincent said.

"Oh well, I'm gonna get online with this Iphone." Richard said, picking of this small device with a screen.

"Thats a Text log." Isaac said.

"Does it have Wifi?" Richard asked.

"No, all it does is write stuff." Isaac said.

"Shit." Richard said.

Richard handed it to Isaac, who read it.

"Okay, the shit has pretty much hit the fan. The captain's dead, everyone's turning into monsters, and Danver is eating that gross shit on the walls. I'm grabbing my girl, Liz, and we're getting the hell up out of here." It said.

"That was stupid." Richard said.

"The coast looks clear." Vincent said, peeking through the door.

"But we're miles away from the nearest shoreline." Isaac said.

"It's a figure of speech. It's nice to see you haven't changed." Richard said.

"From what?" Isaac asked.

"From Francis." Richard said.

"That doesn't make any sense." Vincent said.

"Exactly." Richard said.

"Huh?" Isaac wondered.

The guys went across the hall into another small room.

"Seriously, what are you talking about?" Vincent asked.

"Not now, I found an MP3." Richard said, picking up another device with speakers.

"Thats an audio log." Isaac said.

"Can it play music?" Richard asked.

"Only if someone records a band in person." Isaac said.

"Shit." Richard said.

Richard handed the log to Isaac.

"They've come for us, to take us to paradise. Shut up Danvers! As you can tell, the situation is escalating up here. I didn't find Liz anywhere in her tanning salon, which was torn to hell. Torn to hell and paradise. Shut up Danvers! God, it's probably one of those motherfucking Unitologists, I'm gonna cut his pecker off. Woody Woodpecker is in paradise. Danvers, if you don't shut up, I'm gonna cut your pecker off!" It said.

"Boring." Richard said.

The team went back through the flesh covered hallway and took an elevator down.

"Why the hell can't they just use stairs?" Richard wondered.

After getting off the elevator, they encountered more tiny little monsters crawling towards them. Vincent popped a couple of them with her Rivet Gun and Richard got up close and sliced a bunch of them up with his ripper. Then they saw another elevator.

"What the fuck? Why couldn't the first one just take us down all the way?" Richard demanded.

"Beats me, this ship is built like an abstract painting." Vincent said.

"Whats Abstract mean?" Isaac asked.

"What do you think this is? _Martha Speaks_? We don't answer stupid vocabulary questions, we kill stuff!" Richard said.

The gang took the next elevator down. There was a locked room on the side along with a pair of malfunctioning doors.

"Damn it, I have to use a power node to open this thing." Isaac said.

"Screw that. Lets do it _Wet_ style!" Richard said enthusiastically.

Using his ripper, Richard guided a floating saw into the crack of the door and sawed through the locks, causing the door to fall out of it's frame.

"Thats gonna be expensive to fix." Isaac said.

"So? Let's raid the shit!" Richard said.

Richard went inside and grabbed a schematic for Ripper Blades. Suddenly a slasher came running towards them from the hallway behind the malfunctioning doors. As the gang aimed their weapons at it, the doors sliced it up.

"These things must be dumber than Isaac." Richard said.

"What?" Isaac asked.

"Nothing." Richard said.

Isaac slowed the doors with his stasis module and they ran through them. As they walked down another hallway, the encountered a swarm of tiny monsters.

"They look kinda cute until they bite you." Vincent said.

"Yeah? Well let me hand out cute awards." Richard said.

Richard shot a saw blade at the nearest one, cutting it in half.

"That one's third place..." Richard said.

He shot another blade at another.

"He's in second place." Richard continued.

Then he shot one more blade at another.

"And he's in first place." Richard finished.

Suddenly, a bunch more of them showed up.

"Hmm, these must be the runner ups." Richard said.

Using his experience, Isaac grabbed an explosive canister with Kinesis and threw it into the center of the swarm. It exploded, disintegrating the swarm and spraying green blood onto the gang.

"Well, I guess we could always stop by the decontamination chamber again." Richard said.

The team went further down the hallway and came to a save point.

"OOH! Guys, you have to try this thing!" Isaac said, excited.

Isaac used it and it zapped his groin again. Richard suddenly got excited.

"Let me try it!" He begged.

Richard used it and it zapped his groin.

"God, I wish we had save points like this in the _Echo Night_ series!" Richard said.

"You want to try it Vincent?" Isaac asked.

"Ewww, no way." Vincent said.

"But it saves your progress." Isaac said.

"Who cares? That thing is nothing but a-" Vincent started.

Vincent pointed to the save station and accidentally pressed it's button. 2 claws reached out and grabbed her breasts and zapped them instead. She fell to the floor when it finished.

"Are you alright? I mean your breasts." Richard said.

"It felt like I was sliding down an electric fence that was being struck by lightning." Vincent said, her hair sticking straight up.

The guys went into the next room, which had massive fuel tanks everywhere. At the other end was a console.

"There it is! That will refuel the fuel lines!" Isaac said.

"So?" Richard asked.

Before they could continue their witty dialog, several slashers emerged from behind the fuel tanks. Vincent revved her Plasma Chainsaw and sliced 2 of them in half. Richard gutted several of them with his ripper and Isaac, he just shot them with his plasma cutter.

"That wasn't too hard." Richard said.

Suddenly, another fat Pregnant Necromorph (Oops, gave away the origin) landed hard on the floor from above.

"Eeccchhh. This thing must be a big fan of the dollar menu." Richard said.

"No you idiot, shes pregnant!" Vincent said.

"Ecccchhh, must be in a bitchy mood then." Richard said.

Vincent charged at it with her plasma chainsaw and was swatted aside by the monster's claw, slamming her into a fuel tank. Richard did the same and was slammed into another fuel tank. Isaac shot one of it's arms off, but then it charged at him and knocked him on the ground. As it was about to stab him, he shot one of it's tiny legs off and it collapsed to the ground, unable to get up.

"And that is why obesity is bad." Isaac said.

"Ha ha. Stupid fat bitch." Richard taunted.

Richard kicked her massive stomach and it exploded, throwing him against the fuel tank again. 2 very small leapers sat in her place, wearing diapers on their tails.

"AWWWWW! They're so cute!" Isaac said.

Suddenly, one of the baby leapers latched on to Isaac's face.

"AAAAHHHHHHH! GET IT OFF ME!" Isaac screamed.

"Hold still moron!" Richard yelled.

Richard tried to shoot the leaper off with his P-sec pistol that he was still carrying, but Isaac kept running around all crazy like. The second baby Leaper jumped on Vincent's face, who also started running around all crazy like. Richard kept trying to get a shot at the leapers and fired just as they moved away from his sights.

"I wonder what the alternate fire does?" Richard asked.

Richard switched to alternate fire and his pistol fired 3 bullets at once. The recoil forced his gun upward, where one of the bullets hit a light and caused it to fall on top of Isaac. The leaper fell off Isaac's white helmet and he ripped it's tail off. Then he grabbed the one that was one Vincent's face, pulled down it's diaper and started spanking it.

"BAD LEAPER! YOU DON'T ATTACH TO PEOPLE'S FACES!" He yelled.

Richard finished the punishment by slicing it in half with his ripper.

"That sucked." He said.

"It doesn't matter, we can refuel the lines now." Isaac said.

Isaac went up to the control panel and it asked for a password. Isaac typed in "I don't need a password, I'm from the CEC" and it worked. He started the refueling sequence. Richard was looking around for some more ammo and found a gold semiconductor and power node.

"Fuel lines refilled. Engines restarting." A voice said on the speakers.

"Fucking whore." Richard said.

A single slasher ran into the room via unknown entrance. All the guys turned around and blasted the shit out of it.

"Can we head to the food court? I'm starving." Vincent asked.

"Better watch what you eat girl, or else you'll look like that fat thing." Richard said.

Vincent started hitting Richard for the rude comment. The team started back to the tram station, hoping to take a ride to the food court and grab a bite to eat. But after going back through the breached area...

"Isaac, you did it! The Ishimura's orbit will stabilize soon! I thought we were all dead zombie meat." Hammond said.

"Good, now can you help me find Nicole?" Isaac asked.

"Sure, just give me a-" Hammond started.

Suddenly, the video feed changed to Kendra, who's hair was blonde.

"Isaac! The ADS is offline! If you don't get it back on soon, I'll smear my lipstick again!" Kendra said.

"Kendra? Your alive? Damn it. I mean, good to see you again! Shes right Isaac, if that ADS isn't online soon it'll rip the ship apart." Hammond said.

"But what about Nicole?" Isaac asked.

"No time for her Isaac! We have to prioritize! Come meet me on the bridge and we'll work something out." Hammond said.

"About Nicole?" Isaac asked.

"No, the ADS." Hammond said, before hanging up.

"You suck Hammond!" Isaac yelled.

"What's ADS stand for? Automatic Death Solvent?" Richard asked.

"No, Asteroid Defense system." Isaac said.

"Whos this Nicole you kept talking about?" Vincent asked.

"Shes my girlfriend. Shes a hot blonde scientist who works as a doctor." Isaac said.

"I think I might have seen her..." Vincent said.

Flashback...

Vincent was in a locked room with a bunch of cowardly doctors. A big guy with a pony tail was fighting monsters with a plasma chainsaw just outside. Vincent boosted a fat doctor up to the airvent.

"Jesus! Are you setting the galactic record for most pounds or some shit like that?" She demanded.

"Sorry, there was a special at the Galactic house of pancakes." The doctor said.

Vincent finally shoved his fat ass through the vent. She was able to get most of the other doctor's out quickly, except 2. One was on his laptop.

"Not now! I'm almost at Level 15!" He said.

Vincent smashed his computer's monitor and threw him through the vent. The last doctor was in a fetal position on a bunk. She had blonde hair.

"Your ass is gonna die if you stay here!" Vincent said.

The woman started bawling loudly.

"Listen, I doubt you'll say yes, but do you have a boyfriend?" Vincent asked.

The blonde woman nodded.

"You do?! Well...do you like...Tootie rolls?" Vincent asked, trying to find something else.

The blonde woman nodded.

"You want to eat one again, right?" Vincent asked.

The blonde woman nodded and took Vincent's hand. She was lifted up to the vent.

Back to the present...

While the flashback was playing, the team finally made their way back to the room before the tram station.

"Jeezus, don't they have teleporters or something?" Richard asked, tired.

Suddenly, a slasher blocked the hallway. This one looked different. It had darker skin and a pair of arms in it's torso.

"Are you serious? This levels almost over." Richard said.

Richard shot a saw blade at one of the slasher's primary arms. Strangely, it did not cut it off.

"What the fuck?" Richard asked.

Richard shot several more saw blades at it's arms before the first one finally came off.

"These must be a higher ranking enemy. Like the grunts from _Halo_." Vincent said.

"Whatever they are, they're getting cut." Richard said.

Richard ran up to the super slasher and tried to cut off it's other arm at close range. It simply swatted him back. Isaac used his heavily customized plasma cutter to finally finish it off.

"Can we go now?" Richard asked.

"Yes, finally, this chapter is way over due." Vincent said.

So Isaac and his new partners boarded the tram and it began making it's way to the bridge.

"Oh god, I shouldn't have eaten all those candy bars..." Richard said.

To be continued...

**God, sorry this thing took so long. I'm against splitting it into smaller chapters. The next chapter might not be as long, but you never know. At least you got a lot to read eh? Whatever. Please review or I'm not uploading until you do.**


	4. Ass Defence System

Chapter 4: Ass Defence System

Isaac, Richard, and Vincent wandered off the tram with motion sickness. Richard puked into an ash tray in the waiting area.

"Isaac! Kendra was right! The ADS is offline!" Hammond said.

"We know that Already." Vincent said.

"I was just reminding you. Wait? You Found survivors?" Hammond asked.

"This is Security Chief Alyessa Vincent. I need to speak to your superior." Vincent said.

"A security chief eh? It just so happens I'm a security chief myself." Hammond said, seductively.

"Hammond! You knew about the Marker all along didn't you!?" Kendra demanded to know suddenly.

"Kendra what the hell are you jabbering about?! I didn't take your eyeliner!" Hammond said.

"No, I mean that weird obelisk thing! I just remembered it!" Kendra said.

"Kendra, your hair coloring is screwing with your already damaged brain! Now Isaac, you and that Security chief, come to the bridge so we can work something out." Hammond said.

"But what about Nicole?" Isaac asked.

It was too late, Hammond hung up again. The guys started proceeding down the hallway.

"Look at these stupid posters. What do they even mean?" Richard asked.

One poster had a woman holding a bicycle tire that said "Always be prepared for flats". Another had a ship floating over a planet that said "No material left behind". The last one had a giant spider devouring a zombie that said "Giant Bodyguard Spiders, buy one today".

"Oh well, at least there probably aren't any new monsters around." Vincent said.

Suddenly, a massive green arm smashed through one of the posters, barely missing Vincent. Then it pulled itself back behind the wall.

"Nice observation big mouth." Richard said.

"Yeah." Isaac said, trying to be a brown nose.

The guys went down the hallway, stopped at a Kiosk, the proceeded to the bridge itself. It was big wide and had massive windows that looked into space.

"Space, yay. What a great scenery, blackness, stars, asteroids hurtling towards us. OH SHIT!" Richard shouted.

A huge asteroid was hurtling straight towards the bridge's windows. The team retreated back into the previous hallway. The asteroid hit the window hard and an emergency shutter closed. After a minute passed, Isaac peeked through the doorway to see the damage it caused.

"Huh. Must have been a dud. Everythings still intact." Isaac said.

"Where that Black Pervert you were talking to?" Richard asked.

"He's on the bridge." Isaac said.

"We are on the bridge." Vincent said.

"Well he said to meet him here somewhere." Isaac said.

Isaac held his hand out and used his waypoint thing to light a path.

"What the hell is that?"Richard asked.

"It's my locator, it comes as a bonus feature to this suit." Isaac said.

"I wish I had one of those back in _Echo Night_." Richard said.

Isaac blindly followed the glowing trail. Richard looted some nearby footlockers and wondered why there were footlockers sitting around randomly on the bridge. Vincent found another audio log.

"Oh my god! We're under attack by Space Pirates! They're uglier than my grandma's foot! In case of emergency, I placed a bunch of random footlockers all over the bridge. I don't know how that'll help though. Open Fire you maggots! (Gunfire) Oh shit, that guy just got cut in half! I should probably run away really fast instead of just standing here recording everything, but My therapist said I should document how I feel. I feel scared because I just shit my pants. Okay, I think I can run n-. (Beep Beep Beep)." It said.

"That's an original idea there." Richard said, overhearing it.

"Come on guys, Hammond wants to meet you!" Isaac said.

Isaac lead his followers to a small service elevator down a short ramp. At the bottom of it was a small escape pod bay.

"Escape pods? Why the fuck don't we just screw the whole damn mission and eject from this bitch?" Richard asked.

"Because we're getting paid 10 credits per hour to fix this ship." Isaac said.

"So?" Vincent asked.

"Plus we receive free electricity." Isaac said.

"Are you guys hiring?" Richard asked.

"I guess so." Isaac said.

"Good, sign me up." Richard said.

Isaac almost slipped on a schematic for the Level 3 RIG suit on the floor. They went through the door across from the elevator. Inside was a big holographic space map that Hammond was standing by.

"Hello sexy lady." Hammond said to Vincent.

"So why did you call us here Hammond? Did you find out why the ADS is offline?" Isaac asked.

Hammond grabbed Vincent from around the waist.

"You make Kendra look like an obese man. And she only eats a cracker a day." Hammond said.

"We're stuck on a monster infested ship and all you can think about is sex?!" Vincent asked.

"Desperate times call for desperate measures." Hammond said.

Vincent slapped Hammond in the face a couple of times and then punched him in the gut before round house kicking him to the floor. Suddenly, an asteroid hit the hull of the ship and caused it to shake violently.

"Oh right, the space rock things." Hammond said.

"Whats the Marker thing that whore was talking about?" Richard asked.

"I know nothing of it. Kendra overreacts all the time. One time, she thought I was a clone created to destroy the world." Hammond said.

Richard suddenly noticed Hammond's Pulse Rifle leaning against the holographic map base.

"I can fix the ADS' data boards from here, but I need you guys to reroute 3 junction boxes to do, stuff for it. But first, you'll need to restore power to the elevators in the atrium." Hammond said.

"Okay, I can fix a couple of malfunctions." Isaac said.

"Oh, and theres something huge walking around up there. I think Rosie O Donnell might be Lurking around." Hammond said.

"Uggh, if she turned into a monster by those things, theres no telling how powerful she'll be." Richard said, holding something behind his back.

"Well anyway, get back to work. I've got work to do." Hammond said.

Isaac, Vincent, and Richard left the room and closed the door behind them. Hammond pulled up a screen filled with naked women.

"Oh hell yeah." He muttered.

"Looks like all of these pods were ejected anyway." Vincent said.

"This one is still here." Richard said, pointing to one escape pod.

Suddenly, the light inside the escape pod came on and a slasher roared at the glass. Richard jumped back in terror. Meanwhile, Hammond rested his elbow on an eject button that launched the pod into outer space.

"Well so much for my idea of cramming into a confined space and launching." Richard said.

The gang went back upstairs into the massive atrium.

"Okay, everyone knows that the elevator's power is controlled by a console at the back of the bridge." Isaac said.

"Yeah, who wouldn't know that?" Richard said.

Suddenly, a large thump shook the room. A door near the back of the atrium was denting from the other side.

"Oh my god, it's Rosie O Donnell!" Richard panicked.

The dents in the door got larger and larger until the door split open and this large ape like green monster stomped into the room.

"That's not Rosie O Donnell, it's just some new enemy." Vincent said.

"Whatever it is, it's getting shot." Richard said, aiming his Pulse rifle at it.

"Where the hell did you get that?" Vincent asked.

"I swiped it from that black guy." Isaac said.

Richard pumped some pulse rounds into the Brute's abs, doing virtually no damage. He continued this until his Pulse rifle ran out. Then he shot some ripper blades at it. They didn't do much either. Then he shot at it with his P-Sec pistol, which was worthless even against wimpy enemies. Then he whipped out his laser pick and ran up to it, where he stabbed it in the chest while yelling. The brute finally got tired of playing around and swatted Richard away, where he smashed into an oddly placed china cabinet.

The brute ran towards Vincent and Isaac, who started running away. They ran around in circles around the pillar that housed the elevators several times. Richard was out cold. Isaac and Vincent ran so fast, they got behind the brute and noticed exposed unarmored tissue.

"That must be his weak spot! Shoot there!" Vincent said.

"It can't be that. That would be too obvious." Isaac said.

"Then where the hell is his weak point?" Vincent demanded.

"Maybe it's his left shin." Isaac said.

"He doesn't have any shins!" Vincent said.

"Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hhhhhhhhhhhhh." Isaac pondered.

Vincent shot a rivet in the brute's back and it flinched heavily. It turned around and roared at Vincent and Isaac. Vincent ran the other way while Isaac just stood there still going "uhhh". The brute grabbed Isaac and started hitting him against the floor. Vincent sneaked behind the brute and thrust her plasma chainsaw into it's weak spot. The end of the blade stuck out of the front of the brute and Vincent pressed it upward, sawing the brute's face in half.

Isaac fell to the ground and got up, grabbing the power node that the brute dropped. Vincent went over to Richard and splashed some gel from a med kit on his face, which revived him.

"Damn it, why do they keep making harder enemies?" Richard asked.

The guys went up to the door the brute smashed through. Just inside of it were several monitors. Suddenly, Nicole's face appeared on them.

"Isaac, make us whole." She said.

"NICOLE!" Isaac yelled.

Isaac ran face first into the first monitor, breaking it. Then, all of them went black.

"That was supposedly creepy. She must be a ghost now." Richard said.

"NO! No! She can't be dead! Shes the only reason I came on this cursed trip!" Isaac said.

"I thought you wanted to fix the ship." Vincent said.

"No time for questions! We must keep moving." Isaac said.

"He probably went off his meds again." Richard said.

Isaac lead the group to the end of the hallway and activated a console.

"Elevator power restored." The voiceover said.

"Shut up stupid computer lady." Isaac said.

Isaac went over to the nearby workbench and put 17 power nodes into his Plasma cutter. The guys reloaded their weapons and went back to the atrium and got on one of the elevators. Richard found a video log on the floor. Captain Mathius and some scientist appeared on the screen.

"We can't go back to Earth, those things would conquer it." The scientist said.

"Your full of shit Kyne, they're completely harmless. We'll simply slaughter them and use them for food." The captain said.

"Food? How can you think of food at a time like this you fat bastard?!" Kyne demanded.

"Your full of shit Kyne! Guards, arrest him! Then plot a course back to Earth." The captain said.

"Sir, I think you might have had too much to drink." One of the crew members said.

"Fuck you! Have him arrested too!" The captain yelled, spitting all over the place.

"If you would kindly restrain him, I could give him a sedative." Kyne said.

"Hah! My own crew would never take orders from you!" The captain yelled.

"Grab him!" The crew members yelled.

"What?! This is mutiny! Fucking Mutiny!" The captain yelled.

Kyne pulled out a syringe and moved towards the captain.

"Fuck this! Grab breaker!" The captain yelled.

The captain broke free of the crew member's grabs and ran towards Kyne, who had the syringe pointed towards him and the fat fucker and right into it, eye first. Then he fell face first on the floor, shoving it out the other side of his head. His RIG went dead.

"Oh my, this will be a black mark on my medical record." Kyne said.

"The captains dead. Seize Kyne! It's his fault!" A crew member yelled.

"What!? I was trying to sedate him you fucktard!" Kyne said.

"Arrest him!" Another crew member yelled.

Kyne took off down one of the elevators. Richard turned the video off.

"I was wondering what happened on the bridge. Me and my team were downstairs getting slaughtered." Vincent said.

"You know what I just noticed? This elevator doesn't have a certificate of authenticity." Richard said.

The elevator came to a stop and the doors opened. As Richard was about to step out, they slammed shut, catching him between them.

Meanwhile, on the medical deck...

The man in the dark gray battle suit was the first to wake up. At first, he couldn't see anything. But then he turned his helmet around. He was in a dark room.

"Am I dead? And is this hell?" He asked.

"Your not dead, you've been captured." A voice said.

"Carter?" The soldier asked.

Suddenly, the lights came on, revealing the guy in the HAZMAT suit.

"Gordon Freeman?" The soldier said.

"Yes, how'd you recognize me?" Freeman asked.

"I read an article about your potato bomb in science monthly." The soldier said.

"Oh that, I hated that thing." Gordon said.

"What are you doing here?" The soldier asked.

"I was watching my girlfriend cry over her dead dad and then these 2 fags in spandex grabbed me." Gordon said.

"Those Jackasses captured me too." A woman in a black tank top and white pants said.

"And who might you be?" Gordon asked.

"I'm Faith. I was doing some delivery missions and those fags grabbed me." Faith said.

"Are you injured? I could do a quick physical with you." Gordon asked.

"No, I'm fine." Faith said.

"Are you sure?" Gordon asked.

"Yes, I have regenerating health." Faith said.

"Are you really sure?" Gordon asked.

"Yes! I'm unharmed!" Faith yelled.

"God in heaven! I'm back in hell!" Another voice yelled.

Suddenly, a naked man with a black cross sewn onto his chest walked into the light and everyone was severely disgusted by his horrid appearance.

"By lord, what horrible sinners you look like." The man said.

"Us? Are you even aware your not wearing pants?" Gordon asked.

"That's downright uglier that a hairless wearing a banana hammock while dancing to Zumba." A man in a cowboy hat and gray combat suit said.

"What the hell is going on!?" The soldier demanded.

"Blasphemy!" The naked man said, throwing holy water at the soldier.

Suddenly, the lights behind this glass came on, revealing Mercer at the control panel.

"Welcome my new test subjects. Your are the first to become a superior version of our new superior race." Mercer said.

The subjects stared blankly at Mercer, except the naked guy who threw another holy water at the window in front of him.

"I'm going to transform you into the new species and then I'm going to inject with with my new formula that regenerates tissue!" Mercer said.

"Wheres the exit? I'm behind my delivery schedule." Faith said.

"There is no escape! The only exit is in this control room!" Mercer said.

Faith ran to the window and jumped kicked it, almost breaking her leg.

"This glass is reinforced, you'll never break through it." Mercer taunted.

The soldier threw a blue grenade at the window which stuck to it. Mercer gasped and jumped to the floor face down. The grenade exploded, smashing the window. The subjects climbed through.

"Ow ow OW!" The naked man cried as he ran across the broken glass.

They ran through the door Mercer was talking about and came to a tram.

"Awesome! We can hitch a ride on that!" Faith said.

Faith climbed on top of the tram, expecting it to go. Everyone else piled inside of it and The Soldier messed with the holographic control panel.

"Alright, I think I got it to work." The soldier said.

"This is crazier than a zombie giving a piggyback ride to a dinosaur while drinking red bull and chucking grenades at North Korean soldiers that are break dancing and Gang members beating each other with giant dicks." The guy in the cowboy hat said.

Gordon was annoyed by the cowboy hat man's stupid pronouns. He grabbed him by the shoulders and shoved him out of the tram as it left the station.

"Hey, what the hell was that for you corn chucking meat dangling-" The man started before falling to the ground, stunned.

Mercer hovered over the man, clutching a baseball bat.

"It appears your going to be my first experiment." Mercer said.

"Thats a load of macaroni covered in cement and-" The man started before Mercer shoved a paper ball in his mouth.

Back in Engineering...

Vincent wedged the elevator doors open with an emergency crowbar, freeing Richard.

"I guess that explains the lack of a certificate of authenticity." He said.

Isaac picked up a schematic laying on the ground.

"A contact beam! I haven't used one of those since I accidentally blew up a satellite." Isaac said.

Richard opened a locker and started pulling stuff out.

"Thats actually very rude. People hate it when other people search through their lockers." Vincent said.

"Well those jackasses would probably do the same thing to our lockers. Would you like some jack ass stretching out your panties?" Richard asked.

"Hmmm, good point." Vincent said.

Isaac went over to a slasher laying on the floor.

"I'd better tell this guy to get to the bridge or safety. If he keeps sleeping, he'll probably get slaughtered." Isaac said.

"Isaac wait! Thats a-" Vincent started.

"HEY BUDDY WAKE UP BEFORE THE THINGS THAT LOOK LIKE SLAYERS FROM _THE SUFFERING_ GET YOU!" Isaac yelled.

The slasher jumped up and slashed Isaac in the abs. Vincent did the same to it and all of it's internal organs shot out on her. Richard laughed at her and then the slasher shot organs at him.

"Eww, remind to use shower when we pass one." Vincent said.

The team finally moved on and came to a hallway where there were some shiny panels.

"Isaac, be careful! While I was putting scrunchies in my hair, I noticed that some of the gravity panels in your sector are malfunctioning." Kendra said.

"Oh, I thought those were like recharge panels or something like that. Or maybe something for a puzzle." Richard said.

A lurker came around the corner. As the team prepared to blow it away, it stepped on one of the shiny panels and was thrown against the ceiling so hard, it exploded.

"Why the fuck do you have all this shit in the floor?!" Richard asked.

"Because it keeps us on the floor." Vincent said.

"Why not just float around in zero gravity? Wouldn't that make it easier to move shit around?" Richard said.

"That is a good point actually." Vincent said.

Isaac began maneuvering around the panels when another lurker crawled around the corner. He shot it and the others followed him.

"Can't you turn these off Kendra?" Isaac asked.

"What did she say?" Richard asked.

"I don't know, it's just buzzing." Isaac said.

The guys got past the first set of busted panels and came to a doorway blocked by tables.

"What's a survival horror game without barricades that don't even protect you." Richard said.

Isaac tossed the tables out of the way with his Kinesis module, smashing up the interior of the room. The room was filled with these very thin walls all over the place.

"What the fuck is this room for?" Richard asked.

"This looks like a changing room." Isaac said.

"Changing room?!" Richard said happily.

Richard stuck his eye through one of the holes in the walls, hoping to see some sexy chick take off her top. Sadly there wasn't.

"Fuck!" He shouted.

Richard kicked the wall, knocking it over and also knocking over a bunch of other walls.

"Well at least that was somewhat entertaining. Now let's go through this next useless barricade." Richard said.

The other barricade in the room was suddenly smashed through by a brute. The team panicked and hid behind the one thin wall that wasn't knocked over.

"Oh yeah, we're safe here behind this 1 cm thick wall." Richard said.

"Shut up! He'll find us!" Vincent said.

"Don't you tell me to shut up! He's gonna find us anyway because we picked the most obvious place to hide!" Richard said.

The brute walked over to the wall and swatted it out of the way. The gang was unaware at the moment until they turned around and panicked. Richard shoved a ripper blade into it's gut, which was armored and didn't do anything except piss it off for a second. It slammed it's fist down on Richard's head and nailed him through the floor, with only his head sticking through. This little diversion gave Vincent the chance to stab her plasma chainsaw into it's back and ripped him in 2.

"This game would be more easier if you had a chainsaw in it during the actual game!" Vincent said.

"Can you guys get me out of this floor?" Richard asked.

"Sure, hang on." Isaac said.

Isaac left the room for a second and came back with a massive hammer.

"Where the hell did you get that thing?" Richard asked.

"It was in the Gundam Workshop." Isaac said.

Isaac pried Richard out of the floor and went through the massive hole the brute came through. The terminal Isaac was after was just past some dangling live wire.

"Okay...Whats the funniest thing we could do here?" Richard asked.

"We can play jump rope." Isaac said.

"Good, that'll work." Richard said.

Richard grabbed the live wire and shocked him good, making his hair stand up.

"I think this will cause a few laughs." Richard said.

Isaac hit the cable with stasis and ran past it. He pressed some buttons on the terminal and did something.

"Nice job Isaac. 2 more to go." Hammond said.

"Say something funny, we're running low on jokes here." Richard said.

"Okay, um. Scibbidy doo da, zippity ey! I hate plshfkebfifndkdndk!" Hammond said.

"Thats better." Richard said.

The guys went back the way they came, killing slashers that appeared. They rode the elevator back up (Which Richard mentioned that it still did not have a certificate of authenticity) and arrived back in the atrium.

"Alrighty, now let me use my waypoint thingy and-" Isaac started.

Suddenly not one, but 3 leapers ambushed the team and pounced on all of them. One of them waved it's weird ass tongue in Richard's face.

"Damn, if I had a tongue like that, I'd be the best husband ever." Richard said.

After all of them mashed the X button a hundred times, they were able to throw them off. Then they, killed them, in an unfunny way. They got on another elevator and rode it downward.

"I don't feel so good." Vincent said.

"Isaac! I hacked into the computer mainframe and-" Kendra started.

"Since when do you hack into computers and shit? All you do is apply make up." Richard said.

"Not all the time. Just while I'm waiting for my hair to dry. Anyway, I found out in the medical records that these weird naked things are actually Bio-recombinators." Kendra said.

"Bio what a what muts?" Richard asked.

"They take dead tissue and mold it into new matter!" Kendra said.

"But they don't seem to be made out of puffs plus." Isaac said.

"Seriously, could we just take the stairs instead?" Vincent asked.

"Not tissue paper Isaac, skin and shit like that! One kind infects dead bodies while the other makes dead bodies." Kendra said.

"You mean like the weird machine thing in _Amnesia A Machine for pigs_?" Richard asked.

"That game isn't even out yet." Kendra said.

Vincent puked on the holographic screen Kendra was talking on, which was weird because it was holographic. This disgusted Kendra and made her puke too.

"Oh my god! My shoes!" She yelled before the line went dead.

"Gee Vincent, my screen is gonna need a good scrubbing after this." Isaac said.

The elevator arrived at the next destination. It had a few items in it.

"Hey Richard, can you hold this?" Isaac asked, holding out a plasma cartridge.

"I guess." Richard said, putting it in his backpack.

"Can you hold this?" Vincent asked, holding out a small med kit.

"Okay." Richard said, putting it in his backpack.

"And what about this?" Isaac asked, holding out a Stasis pack.

"And this?" Vincent asked, holding out a large air can.

"And this?" Isaac asked, holding out some credits.

"Wait! Are your inventories really full?!" Richard demanded.

"Yeah, it's chock full of ripper blades." Isaac said.

"Shouldn't I be holding those?" Richard asked. "And what about you? You don't even have an inventory limit!"

Vincent stared at him blankly, wondering if she did or not.

"Can you at least hold these credits?" Isaac asked.

"Your credits don't need- on second thought I will hold them." Richard said.

The guys went into the next room.

"Are there even any asteroids still hitting us? I haven't felt any for awhile." Richard said.

Suddenly, a stupid bulkhead broke and sucked all the air out of the room, fortunately, the team still had their space suits.

"Fucking jack ass vacuums." Richard said.

"Let's hide in that safe room." Vincent said.

"Storage room." Richard said.

"Whatever." Vincent said.

They took cover in a nearby storage room. They upgraded their guns at a workbench and gave a bunch of shit to Richard since he could carry unlimited items. Then they ran quickly through the sucked out hallway and into another air filled room.

This room had a bunch of corpses and broken gravity panels. An infector thrust it's tongue into the forehead of one.

"I think a more appropriate name for these things would be brain suckers." Richard said.

"We don't have time for this, we have to kill it before it-" Vincent started.

And then the infector stood infront of a bunch of slashers that used to be corpses.

"Fuck me." Vincent said.

The infector tackled Vincent.

"I didn't mean literally!" Vincent yelled.

Richard grabbed it and forced it's tongue against a pillar. Vincent pulled out her rivet gun.

"And now for your tongue piercing!" She said.

She shot a rivet into it's tongue, nailing it to the wall. Then Richard glued a little green bead to it and high fived Vincent.

"That was funny, wasn't it Isaac? Isaac?" Richard asked.

The duo looked around to see Isaac buried under a pile of angry slashers. Vincent sliced off everything above the slasher's chests with her plasma chainsaw.

"Now that was definitely funny." Richard said.

Isaac saw the terminal needed at the other end of the room. As he moved towards it, a Lurker clasped itself to his face.

"Why does this keep happening to me?!" He demanded.

2 more lurkers showed up and shot acid at Richard.

"Jesus, this stuff burns like a motherfucker!" He yelled.

Vincent swung her plasma chainsaw wildly as she kept missing this one lurker who was very good a dodging. Richard pulled out an old stuffed lion from his backpack, an item he picked up in _Echo Night Beyond_. He shook it around and the lurker stared at it dumbly. He threw behind a gravity panel that was busted and the lurker walked right over the panel, which slammed it against the ceiling.

Isaac pulled the lurker off his face and tossed it onto another broken gravity panel, which slammed it against the ceiling right next to the other lurker. Vincent grew tired swing her plasma chainsaw and leaned forward as a result.

The lurker giggled at her, which made her angry. She quickly shot a rivet in it's foot, nailing it to the floor. She lifted her plasma chainsaw up and just before it hit the lurker, the little bastard shot acid at her breast. She didn't even flinch as she cut it in 2. Then she picked up both pieces and threw them on a broken gravity panel which slammed it against the ceiling next to the others.

"Holy shit, how did you do that? Your breasts are fucking disintegrating." Richard said.

"Not to worry, my implants are made of titanium." Vincent said.

Vincent tapped her left breast, which made the sound of metal. Isaac put a power node on a locked door, which unlocked it. He went inside and came out holding a bunch of items.

"Say Richard, can you hold these?" Isaac asked.

"What the fuck have I become? Yoko from _Resident Evil Outbreak_?" Richard demanded.

Richard shoved all the items in his bottomless backpack as Isaac rerouted the next computer.

"Nice job Isaac, only-" Hammond started.

"1 more to go, we know retard." Richard said.

"Jeez turkey, calm down. Is that security chief still with you?" Hammond asked.

"Tell him I'm dead." Vincent said to Isaac.

"I can hear you." Hammond said.

"Yeah? Well listen to this, shove your dick in a pencil sharpener." Vincent said before she shut off the feed.

"You didn't have to say that." Isaac said.

"He's a perv, he probably bangs on that other girl." Vincent said.

"I don't think he likes, then again, maybe he does." Isaac said.

Flashbacks...

Hammond was standing in the hallway of an office building getting some water. Kendra walked by and as she passed, he spanked her on the ass. She looked around and only saw Hammond drinking his water and just kept walking.

Another time, Kendra came into work wearing a pink tank top and black skirt. Hammond came over to her.

"Hey Kendra, wanna see pictures of my nephew in the pumpkin patch?" Hammond asked.

"Pumpkin patch? Yes!" She said happily.

Hammond held out his wallet which had the picture in it. He held it real low so Kendra had to bend over to see it, giving him an excellent view of her breasts. Kendra kept pulling it towards her, but Hammond simply lowered it whenever she let go.

"Why do you keep holding it so low?" She asked.

"Uhh, my arms tired." Hammond said.

"Oh, That gets real annoying. Well, I gotta get back to work." Kendra said.

Kendra walked off and Hammond took his hidden camera out of a nearby potted plant. Connecting it to his computer, he awed at a sexy shot up Kendra's skirt.

Then there was another time when Kendra went into the bathroom to apply some powder and Hammond was up in the ceiling looking down her shirt again. Suddenly, this flashback was interrupted by a slasher that just ran into the room the gang was in and was shot down by Richard's ripper.

"Can we go back to the flashback now?" He asked.

"The flashback ended there." Isaac said.

"Damn, I wanted to see some more titties." Richard said.

Following Isaac's waypoint thing back to the elevator, the guys rode it up to the next level. While it was ascending, Richard pulled out a piece of paper and started writing on it.

"Are you writing your will?" Isaac asked.

"No, I'm tired of these elevators not having certificates of authenticity, so I've made my own." Richard said.

Richard taped his certificate up on the wall, which was all hand written.

"I probably should have inspected this elevator first." Richard said.

"You need a diploma from Empire State of Elevator inspecting to do that." Isaac said.

"No I don't. If the elevator crashes, it fails. If it doesn't, it passes." Richard said.

The elevator finally arrived at the destination, ending this retarded conversation. The small room they were in had a save station, a schematic, and some more common items that Richard immediately stuffed in his backpack.

"Force gun, what a stupid name." He said, looking at the schematic.

"The final terminal is around the corner. Thank god, it looks like a clear shot." Isaac said.

Isaac jogged around the corner and was immediately thrown into the wall. A pregnant necromorph walked around the corner into view.

"Another one of these fat bitches? Time for an emergency pregnancy operation." Vincent said, aiming her rivet gun at her fat stomach.

"Wait a minute, didn't something bad happen the last time we shot her stomach?" Richard asked.

It was too late, Vincent shot a rivet into the Pregnant's stomach, which exploded green shit everywhere. 2 baby leapers emerged from the slime.

"Okay, I'll have to make a note not to do that again." Vincent said.

The leapers leaped at the 2 in the hallway, but Richard managed to pin both of them to the wall with his laser pick. Isaac recovered from the blow to the wall and, equipping his line gun, shot a straight beam through the pregnant's arms, slicing them off and headed towards Richard and Vincent. Richard pulled Vincent back as he fell backwards, the beam sliced off a very small piece of her hair.

Isaac walked towards them and almost tripped on these letters on the floor that said "DO NOT SHOOT TEAM MATES" which he crushed with his foot.

"Are you guys alright?" Isaac asked.

"Alright? You almost fucking shot us in half!" Richard yelled.

"I forgot it could go through stuff." Isaac said.

"You cut off some of my hair too." Vincent said.

"Sorry." Isaac said.

"Ehh, I really don't care about my hair as much as that girl you work for." Vincent said.

"Oh right, the console!" Isaac said, turning back to the corner.

"Yeah, it's alright that you didn't apologize about almost cutting us in half." Richard muttered.

"What?" Isaac asked, unintentionally aiming his line gun at him.

"I said it's all fight that Cthulhu vaporized a robot head butting a bus in half." Richard said.

"Oh, okay." Isaac said.

"I learned that trick from reading _Silent Kill: Battered memories_." Richard whispered to Vincent said.

Isaac went over to the terminal and typed in some commands.

"You did it Isaac! The ADS is back online! Oh, wait." Hammond said.

"What?" Richard whined.

"The cannon can fire, but the auto targeting system is offline, so it can't blast meteors by itself." Hammond said.

"How the hell was the targeting thing disabled?" Richard demanded.

"Yeah, did the monsters sabotage it or something?" Vincent demanded.

"Maybe, it blew a fuse." Hammond said.

"You still use fuses? Isn't like 2205 or something?" Richard demanded.

"Uhhh, (crinkle crinkle) your breaking up! (crinkle) man the ADS manually!" Hammond said, crumpling a piece of aluminum on the video feed.

"No your not Hammond, that noise is coming from that aluminum." Isaac said, oblivious.

Hammond quickly shut off the feed.

"Great, when the whole fucking world falls apart, we have to put it back together." Richard said.

Meanwhile, somewhere on the tram line...

The 4 survivors were patiently waiting on the tram, waiting for it to dock somewhere. Since they felt they were going to be stuck together for awhile, they introduced themselves to each other. The naked guy was Dante Aliegri or some shit like that and the soldier was Noble 6. Gordon was leaning against the wall while Dante sat on the bench. Faith was riding on top outside, she loved riding that way and Noble 6 was sitting next to Dante, which he regretted.

"Seriously, why are you naked?" Noble 6 asked.

"Why wouldn't I be naked?" Dante asked.

"Because we're pretty grossed out about how hairy your groin is." Gordon said.

"This is what everyone is like is Purgatory." Dante said.

"Then I'd rather go to hell." Gordon said.

"They're naked down there as well." Dante said.

"Remind to tear down some drapes if we pass a window." 6 said.

"What is so wrong with gazing upon my beautiful body?" Dante asked.

"Maybe we could find some clothes for him if there are lab quarters here." Gordon said.

"Why would anyone want to hide this?" Dante asked, standing up.

"Maybe even paper and tape." 6 said.

Faith was kneeling on top of the tram, watching the tracks ahead. Suddenly, she spotted an infector and a corpse on the rails. The infector was of course infecting the latter. Faith panicked and leapt off the side of the tram, grabbing a pipe on the wall. The tram ran over the unaware infector and it's guts were shoved into the tram's magnetic grapple system. The blood caused it to short circuit. As the tram hit a bend, it flew over the side with all it's passengers screaming.

"Sucks to be them." Faith said.

Faith climbed up the pipe and climbed into a broken air vent. As she climbed up using various pieces of metal sticking out, she passed a scientist, the one whom Mercer was chasing earlier.

"Oh thank god, I've been stuck in here for several days. Can you-" He started before Faith stepped on his face as she climbed. "Oh, your too busy? Well have a nice day. I'm sure someone else will come by."

Faith climbed until she found an air vent that didn't have any monsters past it. She jumped out and faced a locked door.

"Can you get that Kendra bitch to open this?" Richard said.

"Let me give her a call." Isaac said, opening a static video feed.

"Hi, you've reached Kendra." She said.

"Hey Kendra-" Isaac said.

"I can't answer your call right now so wait for the tone to leave voicemail." Kendra said.

"But Kendra, we need-" Isaac started.

"I said wait for the tone you dibshit." Kendra said.

"But-" Isaac started.

"Listen you worthless piece of shit. Wait for the motherfucking tone like a damn pussy or I'm not gonna answer your call at all you cunt! (Beep)." Kendra said.

"Kendra, we need you to-" Isaac started.

"Sorry, voice mail is full you jackass. Call some other time, or not." Kendra said.

"Fuck!" Isaac yelled.

Suddenly, the locked door Richard was talking about opened. Faith saw Richard and kicked him in the groin. He fell over in pain.

"I'll shoot her legs off!" Isaac said.

Isaac aimed for her legs, but she jumped in the air and kicked him in the face and slammed him into the same spot where the pregnant slammed him. Vincent aimed her Rivet gun at Faith, but Faith ran along the wall and kicked it out of her hand.

"What the fuck? We're humans dibshit." Vincent said.

"I know, your working for that crazy ass scientist." Faith said.

"Scientist? I'm the chief for security." Vincent said.

"The chief of security for that crazy ass scientist!" Faith yelled.

"I don't work for a crazy ass scientist!" Vincent said.

"I can't tell if that's true or not." Faith said.

Vincent brought up a holographic video feed.

"Whats the crazy ass scientist's name?" Vincent asked.

"I don't know." Faith said.

"Then how am I supposed to call him?" Vincent asked.

Suddenly, a live video feed came up. It showed Mercer standing behind a gurney with Dexter strapped down to it. Dexter's mouth was taped shut. Mercer briefly left the camera and returned, holding an Infector under his left arm and holding it's tongue in the other.

"First, I must change you into one of them." Mercer said.

Screaming could be heard from under Dexter's mouth tape. Mercer let go of the infector and it propped itself over Dexter and thrust it's tongue into his head. The infector shook Dexter violently.

"Thats the guy! Thats the crazy ass scientist!" Faith yelled.

"His name is Dr Mercer. He's a unitologist." Vincent said.

"What? Who said that? Was it you, my beautiful creature?" Mercer asked, stroking the infector.

"No, it was me Jack ass." Faith said.

"Gah! Who left that feed on? You! Your one of my test subjects! Get back here at once so I may let the infector bless you." Mercer said, as Dexter's jaw fell off.

"Do you know this bitch?" Faith asked, pointing at Vincent.

"Yes, she is the security chief. She beat me down with a cattle prod when I stabbed a man for drawing an offensive cartoon about Unitology." Mercer said.

"So she doesn't work for you?" Faith asked.

"Of course not. What gave you that idea?" Mercer asked.

"Shes a human." Faith said.

"Well that is an easy mistake. Now leave me! I must resume my work!" Mercer said as a new pair of arms grew out of Dexter's shoulders.

"Okay, I guess we are on the same side. Just don't try to rape me or anything." Faith yelled at Richard.

After Richard and Isaac recuperated and introduced each other, they went through the door Faith came through. They found on a 2 sided elevator and crammed themselves inside. Richard taped another forged certificate of authenticity on the wall.

"Get your foot out of my face!" Vincent yelled.

"My foot's over here." Isaac said.

"Get your hands off my ass!" Faith yelled.

"I'm not anywhere near your ass!" Richard yelled.

"Okay, it's me. I wanted to see if she has implants." Vincent said.

The gang spilled out of the elevator when it's back doors opened. They were in an airlock room.

"You'll have to cross the exterior of the ship to reach the cannon. Be careful, theres a meteor shower." Hammond said.

"Why isn't there a covered passage to the cannon?" Richard asked.

"We didn't have enough money in the budget for a ceiling." Vincent said.

"I'm not going out there." Faith said.

"Not to worry, just throw this on." Richard said, holding up ass-less chaps.

"Ewww, no way." Faith yelled.

"Just put on a space suit. It'll magically disappear when we reenter the ship." Vincent said.

Yes, they do revert to they're original clothes when they reenter the ship.

"Okay." Faith said, putting on a space suit.

Isaac opened the exterior airlock door and they all entered a vacuum. The ship was lined with several walls leading to the cannon.

"This looks easy." Richard said.

Suddenly, an asteroid crashed infront of Richard. Everyone panicked and ran around madly, hiding behind structures that were smashed by the asteroids the second they went behind them.

"Holy Shit. That asteroid looks like a man." Isaac said, pointing to the sky.

"No, it looks more like an ape." Richard said.

Richard was suddenly tackled by the weird ape guy who wears red pants that arrived with the psychological 7.

"Your dead Oswald!" The ape yelled.

"Who the fuck are you? And aren't you supposed to talk like a retard?" Richard demanded.

"The author heard me talk in a _I have no mouth and I must Scream_ walkthrough video. I'm Benny, the merciless Soldier who was originally homosexual in the book but changed for the game adaptation of same walkthrough." Benny said.

"Thats fucking stupid." Richard said.

"Shut up! We almost got Game of the year!" Benny yelled.

"Then let me give you your **cut** of the profits." Richard said.

"Why is one word in your sentence-" Benny started before Richard cut the back of his neck with his laser pick.

Richard punched Benny in the face, knocking him back. Richard used his Ripper to shoot a saw blade into Benny's arm.

"Jesus, what the fuck was that for?" Benny demanded.

"You tried to fucking kill me!" Richard yelled.

"And I will!" Benny yelled.

Benny leaped up into the air. Richard fired another saw blade into his groin which kept sawing deeper into his body. Benny's face was filled with unbearable pain right before he was knocked out of sight by an asteroid.

"You jackasses were a lot of help." Richard said.

"We were acting in the _Call of duty 3_ protocol." Isaac said.

"Oh, then it's acceptable." Richard said.

Richard and the gang managed to reach the other side of the ship after stopping at 15 oxygen stations. They finally entered the opposite airlock and into a small room.

"Why didn't they just let you operate this gun from a computer back by that other console?" Richard asked.

"That...is a good question actually." Vincent said.

"Hey look, this thing that you see inside computers is made of Ruby!" Faith said, holding up a ruby semiconductor.

"Shit! Thats gonna be worth a lot at the kiosk!" Isaac said.

"Fuck that! I'm gonna use it to make me some bitching jewelery!" Faith said.

The ship rumbled from an Asteroid impact.

"Oh right, the ADS." Isaac said.

"ADS? Whats that stand for? Ass defence system?" Faith asked.

"Asteroid defense system." Vincent said.

"Oohh, cat fight." Richard said.

Isaac sat on the chair with control sticks on one side of the room. The shutters in front of him suddenly lowered and gave him a clear view of his cannon and the asteroids plummeting towards them.

"OH MY GOD! THAT ONE IS GONNA HIT US!" Richard yelled, standing next to Isaac and pointing at an asteroid.

Isaac aimed the cannon at it and blasted it with one barrel.

"Theres another one!" Vincent yelled.

"I know!" Isaac yelled.

"Look out for that one!" Faith yelled.

"Shut up! I need to fucking concentrate!" Isaac yelled.

Then an asteroid hit the ship and the hull integrity meter right of Isaac went from 85% to 79%.

"Damn it, we're almost dead man! Shoot those fucking things!" Richard yelled.

"WILL YOU ALL JUST STAY QUIET AND LET ME WORRY ABOUT THEM!?" Isaac loudly demanded.

The gang flinched and backed away from Isaac.

"Keep it up Isaac, I've almost fixed the autotargetting thing a mobob." Hammond said.

"Good, This segment is hard." Isaac said. "Cool! I can shoot both barrels at once!"

Isaac fired barrel after barrel (the cannons barrels, the things the ammo comes out) at asteroids like a maniac. Unfortunately, this recklessness caused the cannon to overheat.

"Damn it. You'd think in the future, we'd amend this problem." Isaac said.

Another Asteroid hit the ship, reducing the hull integrity to 70%.

"Hang on Isaac, just one more minute." Hammond said.

An hour later...

Isaac's eyes were blood shot as he shot his 200th asteroid. Richard and the others drew a hop scotch grid on the floor and were tossing a stasis pack on it while hopping across the squares. Vincent fell on her face when she tried to pick up the stasis pack.

"Hammond? I thought you said it was only gonna be a minute!" Isaac yelled.

"Not to worry Isaac! It's coming along nicely." Hammond said.

"Please hurry up. Damn It! There goes that achievement for keeping the integrity above 50%!" Isaac yelled.

Another few hours later...

Richard and the gang were now playing monopoly.

"Fuck yeah, you landed on Park Ave with a hotel. Give me my shit bitch!" Richard said.

"Fuck you! Your gonna have to sell that thing as soon as you land on Illinois!" Faith said, giving Richard 500 dollars.

"Why haven't I landed on a chance square yet? I never land on a chance square!" Vincent said.

The Hull integrity was now at 5%. Isaac had great difficulty staying awake. Just as he dozed off, the cannon started firing by itself.

"I did it! The auto targetting system is fixed!" Hammond said.

Isaac woke up and fell off the seat.

"You mean we can leave? Finally!" Richard yelled, as he flipped the monopoly board across the room.

"Damn it, I was just about to pass go." Faith said.

"What the hell took you so long Hammond?" Isaac demanded.

"Uhhhh." Hammond muttered as he looked at the porn on his computer. "You better get back here."

"Okay." Isaac said, without incident.

The team finally went back out through the airlock. Some leapers were jumping around.

"Let's kick some ass." Richard said.

"I don't have a gun." Faith said.

"Just kick them." Vincent said.

Meanwhile, back on the Psychological 7's ship...

"I think it went through my small intestines." Benny said, laying on a table.

"Damn it Benny! We expected more from you than Roger!" Ethan yelled in his face.

"He had a freaking gun!" Benny yelled.

"Well...Why didn't you have a gun?" Ethan asked.

"I thought we were only allowed to use stuff from our own games." Benny said.

"Well that rule is canceled now. Everyone can use weapons even if they weren't in your game." Ethan Thomas said.

"Does this mean I can attack him now?" Daniel asked.

"No, your gonna stay here and help Benny get better." Ethan said.

"I never get to do anything!" Daniel whined.

"Eh shut up. Jennifer, you've got next stab at him." Thomas said.

"Awesome! I'll cut him up with my kitchen knife!" Jennifer said, swinging around a kitchen knife.

"Nah, thats no good." Thomas said, snatching the knife from her. "Use these."

Thomas held out 2 diamond encrested throwing knives. Jennifer's eyes lit up while Daniel's jaw dropped.

Back on the Ishimura...

The gang returned to the room that had the console before the trench.

"Is the ship fixed now? Can we go home and get free electricity?" Richard asked.

"Free electricity?" Faith asked happily.

"Guys, we got a problem." Kendra said.

"We don't give a shit about your mascara running." Vincent said.

"No, our oxygen levels are falling!" Kendra said.

"Aww man. Does this mean more work?" Richard whined.

"Something in the hydroponics bay is poisoning our air! I can stop it, but I need you to head back to the medical deck and mix up a concoction." Kendra said.

"What kind of concoction? To change your eye color?" Vincent asked.

"No, a poison!" Kendra said.

"But the air is already poisoned." Isaac said.

"No! A poison to kill the thing that's poisoning the air!" Kendra yelled.

"Oh. What's poisoning the air again?" Isaac asked.

"Good thinking you dumb bitch. I'm gonna head to the hydroponics sector to try and slow down the poison." Hammond said.

"How the fuck are you gonna do that?" Richard asked.

"I dunno, maybe shove some card board pieces in front of the air vents. I'm pretty sure that won't kill me." Hammond said.

"Hurry! Get back to the tram! We're running out of air!" Kendra said.

"Figures. Those jack offs get all the easy stuff while we carry the load." Richard said.

"I'm sure their jobs are hard too." Isaac said.

"Name one reason why." Richard asked.

Isaac pondered for a moment.

"They get bored." Isaac said.

"Oooo! Oh my god, boredom is so much worse than fighting monsters! Ooooo!" Richard said sarcastically.

"Eek!" Vincent cried.

"I love that show." Isaac said.

"No, I mean Eek theres something over there!" Vincent yelled.

A weird evil-looking head that was walking on tentacles that sprouted from it's neck was seen in the light of Richard's shoulder mounted lights.

"That thing looks a like Goomba from a _Mario_ game. It probably dies like one too." Richard said.

Richard walked calmly over to the thing and it jumped onto his face. He screamed, stumbling around blindly. Isaac and Vincent shot their Plasma cutter and Rivet gun attempting to hit the creature. Richard slammed the creature against the wall several times with his face until it finally let go. Then he ripped it's tentacles off and smashed it beneath his foot.

"That never happened in _Mario_." Richard said.

The gang had an uneventful trip back down the claustrophobic elevator and back through the atrium.

"So, what did you do before becoming a guinea pig?" Vincent asked Faith.

"I ran along rooftops handing yellow bags to other people running along rooftops." Faith said.

"Did you do it in a bathing suit?" Richard asked.

"No." Faith said.

"That would have been hot." Richard said.

Once the team reached the hallway where the brute punched through the wall, they saw a new monster. It looks like a skeleton.

"Fuck this guy. He's skinnier than my wife's sister." Richard said.

Richard, Vincent and Isaac blasted it apart with their primary weapons. While savoring the victory, they were horrified to see the pieces of the monster moving on their own. Faith jumped up and stomped down on an arm and all the other pieces suddenly jumped onto her. Richard shot a saw blade at her.

"Ouch, watch it dipshit!" She yelled.

Isaac hit her with stasis and while she and the creatures were slowed. The team ran up and pulled them off and ripped them in half. Richard tried to bury his face in her breasts, but the stasis wore off and she slapped him.

Isaac stopped at the kiosk and purchased a level 3 RIG suit. The others were very disturbed when they heard him laughing like crazy when he went in the back of the kiosk and it sealed. When he came out, his suit had more armor. Richard also purchased a Force gun, which Isaac uploaded.

"I love shot gun like weapons." Richard said.

"But I still don't have a weapon!" Faith yelled.

"Here, use this." Richard said, giving her the P-sec pistol.

"This is a fucking pistol!" Faith yelled.

"I know, it suits your feminine figure." Richard said.

"But you already got a new gun the last chapter. I should get one!" Vincent yelled.

"Fine. You can have this one." Richard said, giving her the ripper.

"What the hell!? Why does she get the bigger one?" Faith demanded.

"Because shes more badass." Richard said.

"I'm badass!" Faith said.

"Yeah, of course you are." Richard said.

"I am!" Faith yelled.

The gang walked back to the tram. Faith kept complaining that she was badass when they got back on and Isaac started it up.

"How about a song to pass the time?" Isaac asked.

"No." Richard said.

"Alright, how about Fruit Salad from _The Wiggles_?" Isaac asked.

"No." Richard said.

"Yeah, it's nauseating enough without the singing." Vincent said.

"_Fruit Salad, yummy yummy, Fruit salad, yummy yummy_." Isaac sang.

"I fucking hate that show! The characters are all gay!" Richard yelled, covering his ears.

Isaac's voice rang through the tram tunnels, confusing many necromorphs. Then it suddenly stopped. Probably due to Richard smashing a radio he kept from _Echo Night Beyond_ over Isaac's head.

Meanwhile, in the solar system close to earth...

Rebecca and Gex stepped off of a spaceship that docked at a Mars docking bay. The letters UAC were everywhere. They were escorted to an office with a soldier in a green chestplate.

"It's been a long time Rebecca, how you doing?" The soldier (Actually, hes a marine) asked.

"It could be better. I might not have chosen the best husband." Rebecca said.

"Damn, have you had sex with that thing?" The marine asked, pointing at Gex with his cigar.

"Not him!" Rebecca said.

"I am planning on banging her." Gex whispered.

"Oh, well lets get to the real deal. Whachyou come here for?" The marine asked.

"You see, my husband took our only space shuttle to some stupid scavenger sale and still hasn't come back. This retard next to me says he has a shuttle, but it doesn't have any fuel. So I was wondering if you could get the UAC to loan us some." Rebecca said.

"(Whistle) Thats a pretty tall order. Unless you can exchange em something valuable, thats not happening." The marine said.

"Like what? Money? Cars? Real estate?" Rebecca asked.

"Hang on baby, I got this." Gex said.

Gex got on the Marine's desk, knelt down infront of him and ripped the front of his tuxedo open.

"Come get some baby." He said

The marine pulled out a pistol and shot Gex on his ribs. He fell on his side and screamed in agony.

"Say that gives me an idea." The Marine said.

"What? Prostitution?" Rebecca asked.

"No, guns. The UAC could always use guns!" The Marine said.

"What for?" Rebecca asked.

"You kidding? There have been like 15 demon outbreaks up here. More guns makes it easier to kill em all." The marine said.

"hmmm, I don't have any guns, but I know someone who can get us some." Rebecca said.

"I think I'll come with you to inspect them. It's boring as hell up here." The marine said.

Gex spat up blood on the wall. A pentagram formed around it and a weird pale yellow green creature jumped out. Before it could do anything, the Marine shot it through the head and it disintegrated.

"We'd better get your buddy to a medical station first." The Marine said.

"Trust me, he is not my buddy." Rebecca said.

To Be continued...

**Sorry it took so long, I experienced short cases of writer's block. THIS TIME, LEAVE SOME DAMN REVIEWS OR I WILL NOT UPLOAD THE NEXT CHAPTER UNTIL YOU DO! Alright, see you in a few months!**


	5. Have a little monster, scarecrow!

Chapter 5: Have a little monster, scarecrow!

**If your reading this, than hopefully, one of you reviewed. If not, review. I put many days into these damn stories for your amusement! The only reason I do that is for your fucking reviews! So review already!**

Gordon Freeman opened his eyes. He was buried beneath rubble, just like the time after he blew up the Combine Citadel.

"My god, did I go through a time warp?" He asked himself.

Shoving the crap off himself, he frowned when he saw the interior of the Ishimura, a wrecked tram, and his companions. Noble 6 was stuck underneath a broken rail and the nude Dante was trying to lift it off. Gordon grabbed a long steel rod and shoved it under the rail, then pressed down on the rod and lifted the rail off 6. 6 crawled out from under the rail and reluctantly between Dante's legs.

"Thank the lord! We are all safe!" Dante said.

"Good thing my legs are made of rubber." Nobel 6 said.

"Well, anyone seen Faith?" Gordon asked.

"Wasn't she on the roof?" 6 asked.

"Ugh, she must've been squashed." Gordon said.

"Let us pay our respects to her, so she may live in Paradise." Dante said.

"We can do that later. First, we must find out where we are, how to get out, and most importantly, some weapons." Gordon said.

"I have a couple grenades left." 6 said.

"Hmm. I doubt they could blow through these walls." Gordon said.

"Oh no, they only work on organic matter and vehicles." 6 said.

"Here's a fine weapon! I only need a blade for it!" Dante said, holding the steel rod.

"Thats just a steel rod." Gordon said.

"It could probably still do damage if we had the head of a gravity hammer." 6 said.

"Back in the crusades, I slayed death with a Halberd!" Dante said.

"Yeah, but here, most likely you'd get shot." Gordon said.

"You mock me!?" Dante demanded.

Dante threw another bottle of holy water at Gordon, who ducked under it.

"Where are you even keeping those?!" Gordon demanded.

"Blasphemy!" Dante yelled.

Dante threw another holy water at Gordon, who ducked under it again and it hit a brute that was just minding it's own business. It turned around, looking at the group angerly.

"Now might be a good time to see if my suit's sprint function still works." Gordon said, sprinting away.

"Me too." Noble 6 said, sprinting away.

"Foal creature! I will slay you!" Dante said.

The brute shot an acidic projectile at Dante's face.

"Ahhh! My eyes!" Dante yelled.

The brute grabbed Dante by the legs and swung him around in the air like he was flailing at birds on _Birdemic_. Gordon and 6 stopped and looked back while hiding behind some rubble.

"Should we help him?" 6 asked.

"Saving people isn't my cup of tea. If your looking for someone who wants good Karma, get Cole Macgrath from _Infamous_." Gordon said.

Dante suddenly flew overhead. The brute stood infront of the 2 good samaritans.

"Didn't you say you had some grenades left?" Gordon asked.

"Yes." 6 said.

"Maybe you should use them." Gordon said.

"Maybe I should." 6 said.

"NOW!" Gordon yelled, shocking the brute.

6 threw a shiny blue grenade at the brute's exposed flesh and it exploded, blowing it to pieces.

"Well, thats a nice start." Gordon said.

"Egads! You've slain the beast yourselves! What powerful magic you wield!" Dante said.

"Ugggh, when are you going to die?" Gordon asked.

Meanwhile, back on the medical deck...

Isaac pulled the massive fragments of the radio off his helmet.

"Good thing I picked that back up after giving it to that one ghost." Richard said.

"What other stuff did you pick up in that game?" Faith asked.

"I still have this automatic can opener, and this document, my Ex-girlfriend's ring, my ring, her photo, a bunch of keycards, and a flashlight battery." Richard said.

"Oh my god, Isaac! I can smell the poison! It's going to ruin my perfume! I opened a door for you in the lobby, get that fucking poison made!" Kendra panicked.

"It's a good thing we have a computer operator like her." Richard said.

"I was a cell phone operator once." Isaac said randomly.

"GET TO THE CHEM LAB!" Kendra screamed.

The gang suddenly jumped and ran for the lobby. They were confused when they got there and saw a shitton of lit candles placed everywhere.

"Was there a Satan cult here a few minutes ago?" Richard asked.

Suddenly, a didgeridoo started playing on the intercoms followed by this:

"Today is a wonderful day. God has put his plan into effect, he will organize us into Natural Order. He has sent his archangels that look like flesh covered pterodactyls down to change us into a new race. May he bless us." Mercer said before playing the didgeridoo again.

"Who the fuck is that?" Richard asked.

"Challus Mercer, some religious psychopath. Thats why I'm an atheist." Vincent said.

"Whoa, my Wife would want to bash you in the head with a bible." Richard said.

Isaac opened a locker and found some stuff he could actually pick up. They went down a hallway and 2 lurkers showed up. As Faith hid behind Isaac, repulsed by their appearance, everyone else blasted the little buggers to pieces with their guns.

Then they entered the room that had that weird cylinder in it, with turns out it was a body inside the cylinder, not a piece of metal. I learned that from watching a walkthrough video. Anyway, the cylinder was zooming back and forth all on it's on.

"What the hell is with all these stupid machines?" Faith demanded.

"The architect got a little carried away and made some designs he saw in cartoons." Vincent said.

The guys walked past the cylinder that was having a seizure and started walking towards the elevator.

"Look, someone stapled a corpse to the wall." Isaac said.

The corpse on the wall screamed at the crew and 4 tentacles whipped out of it's stomach. It shot out a pod on the ground next to the group.

"Ha Ha, you missed us." Richard said.

Suddenly, the pod sprouted a tentacle and shot an acid ball at Richard.

"Ow! You little motherfucker!" Richard yelled.

Richard crushed the thing under his feet. Then the guardian (The corpse on the wall) shot another pod. Before it could sprout, Richard crushed it too. Richard used his Force gun to shoot a ball of energy at the guardian, which failed to kill it.

"I gotta get closer." Richard said.

"Wait! It might be dangerous!" Vincent said.

"Yeah, the bladed tentacles gave me that impression." Richard said.

"Let's test their strength." Isaac said.

"How?" Richard asked.

"With the guy from _Carrier_!" Isaac said.

A blonde guy in a blue suit with a visor, armor on his chest and hands, and holding a pistol came out of nowhere. _Carrier_ is an old horror game for the Dreamcast.

"By god! Did Southern Cross make that?" The guy asked.

"Uhhh, yeah. Why don't you investigate?" Isaac asked.

"Good idea." The guy said.

The guy ran up to the guardian and it cut his head off with it's tentacles.

"Well, now we have a conclusion." Vincent said.

"That that ugly motherfucker can kill us with one hit?" Richard asked.

"No, Dreamcast horror game characters will do anything for fame." Vincent said.

"I'd better dispose of his body before it turns into a necromorph." Isaac said.

Using his line gun, Isaac shot a mine ontop of the guys body, which was laying right in front of the guardian. It exploded, sending severed tentacles across the room. When the smoke cleared, the guardian was dead.

"Taioh!" Isaac said.

"What the fuck was that?" Richard asked.

"Just a victory phrase." Isaac said.

The guys crammed themselves on the 1 person elevator and rode it up to the top. They reached the gap in the ledge, with the platform on the cylinder rapidly moving back and forth. Isaac latched it with his kinesis module, but he couldn't move it himself.

"I don't think thats gonna work Isaac." Vincent said.

"It did last time." Isaac said.

"Last time, it probably wasn't moving around back and forth." Richard said.

"Someone must be controlling it from somewhere else." Isaac said.

Meanwhile, somewhere else...

"Raz, you really shouldn't." Milly said.

"I'm just playing pong." Raz said.

"Your moving a containment unit back and forth. Is there even a ball your bouncing?" Milly asked.

"No, not that I can see on the screen." Raz said, moving a stick back and forth.

"Thats not a screen, it's a poster of Leon 13's diaper real close." Milly said.

"Oh, I wondered why it was white." Raz said.

"We'd better get back to work. Theodore will kill us if he sees you doing this." Milly said.

"Ahh he'll kill us anyway. At least I'm having some fun doing this." Raz said.

Back in the room with the cylinder...

"Wheres the bitch in the white pants?" Richard asked.

"Over here you idiot." Faith said, on the other ledge.

"How'd you get over there?" Isaac asked.

"I jumped, retard, why don't you?" Faith asked.

"In an original horror game? No." Vincent said.

"WHOA!" Richard yelled.

Richard stepped on the platform as it swung past and was shooting back and forth, almost throwing Richard off.

"Hang on, let me try something." Isaac said.

Isaac shot some stasis at the platform, slowing it down and throwing Richard to the other edge. The gang quickly ran across before it wore off.

"They should put the stasis module in _Portal_." Isaac said.

Richard turned around and saw a lurker. As it leaped at him, he blasted it into the wall with a wide shot from the force gun.

"Taioh!" Isaac yelled.

"Please stop that." Faith asked.

Since I couldn't think of anything else funny in this room, they crossed the next ledge and went back to that claustrophobic room, where everyone was jammed inside.

"Why the hell did we go in here?" Faith asked.

"My locator pointed us in here." Isaac said.

"Who ever's feeling me up, stop it!" Vincent yelled.

"Eewww, I thought I was feeling someone else up." Faith said.

"Hang on, this door that was locked before is unlocked now." Isaac said.

Isaac opened the door and they squeezed into a small elevator. It took them down a level and into a small hallway that lead into the chemo lab.

Faith screamed when she saw a massive green glass tube with a slasher in it that looked like Dexter. There was also another green tube with some random scientist dude. Isaac listened to an audio log he picked up in the hallway.

"Dr. Challus Mercer's weekly update. My new tonic that can regenerate tissue is working very well. I tried it on my ex wife and she keeps growing her arms back whenever I saw them off. I've injected it into my latest creation, The Hunter. Thank the lord it can't speak, as the test subject would never stop talking." It said.

Richard almost screamed at the sight of the monster in the capsule. He pulled out a sharpie marker and drew sexy images on the glass, like breasts. Isaac went over to this big console and grabbed a capsule from it.

"Nice job, Isaac, now you just have to-" Kendra started.

Suddenly, the doors in the room locked. Shutters that blocked one of the windows lifted up, revealing Mercer behind the glass with his didgeridoo.

"You've wasted a lot of ammo on our new comrades." He said.

"What do you want, Lame white Mr T rip off without a mohawk!?" Faith demanded.

"I've come here to tell you all that your fighting is pointless. Humanity is about to become a new and improved species." Mercer said.

"That sounds like _Metro 2033_." Richard said.

"We have been blessed by a species so great, it will replace human kind completely." Mercer said.

"That still sounds like _Metro 2033_." Richard said.

"It isn't based on _Metro 2033_, it's based on Unitology!" Mercer said.

"Yeah, well unitolo this!" Faith yelled.

Faith fired several bullets at the window Mercer was behind. As you may have expected, it was bulletproof.

"Fucking vacuum resistant windows." Vincent muttered.

"Now it's time for you to stop interfering with me." Mercer said.

"Please stop this Lame white Mr T rip off without a mohawk. I have to repair the ship." Isaac said.

"My name is Challus Mercer! I would appreciate it if you called me by that." Mercer said.

"Whatever Lame white Mr T rip off without a mohawk. Can you let us go now?" Richard asked.

"AARRGGGHHH! I've had enough!" Lame white Mr T Rip off without a mohawk yelled.

Suddenly, the slasher that looked like Dexter who was in the green glass tube with breasts and a dick on it started moving. It bashed it's head against the glass several times and broke out.

"Now you will witness firsthand my latest creation!" Lame white Mr T rip off without a mohawk said.

Richard blasted it against the wall with his force gun and Vincent sliced off it's legs with her ripper. Isaac blew it's arms off with his line gun and Faith smashed it's head with her foot.

"You probably didn't expect that." Vincent said.

"Actually, I was counting out it." Lame white Mr T rip off without a mohawk said.

The Dexter monster sprouted new limbs to replace the ones that were just blown off. Richard blasted it against the wall with his force gun and Vincent sliced off it's legs with her ripper. Isaac blew it's arms off with his line gun and Faith smashed it's head with her foot.

The Dexter monster sprouted new limbs to replace the ones that were just blown off. Richard blasted it against the wall with his force gun and Vincent sliced off it's legs with her ripper. Isaac blew it's arms off with his line gun and Faith smashed it's head with her foot.

The Dexter monster sprouted new limbs to replace the ones that were just blown off. Richard blasted it against the wall with his force gun and Vincent sliced off it's legs with her ripper. Isaac blew it's arms off with his line gun and Faith smashed it's head with her foot.

The Dexter monster sprouted new limbs to replace the ones that were just blown off. Richard blasted it against the wall with his force gun and Vincent sliced off it's legs with her ripper. Isaac blew it's arms off with his line gun and Faith smashed it's head with her foot. Didn't I just say this?

"Isaac! You can't fight that thing! It's immortal!" Kendra yelled.

"You could have told us that before we wasted 5 rounds of ammo each!" Richard yelled.

The lame white Mr T rip off without a mohawk donned a witches hat, laughed manically and rode off on his didgeridoo.

"That will definitely get us some laughs." Richard said.

The Dexter monster grew it's limbs back one more time.

"Hang on, I'll open the door when my nails dry." Kendra said.

"I guess we'll keep shooting him then." Vincent said.

So they kept shooting him over and over again until Kendra's nails dried and she opened the door that lead back out into the hall. Isaac accidentally hit it with stasis, which he discovered was a positive effect.

"Wow, I could have just used that and we wouldn't have had to waste so much ammo." Isaac said.

Richard kicked Isaac in the groin as he dragged him out of the room. The Dexter monster simply flailed about in slow motion as it grew it limbs back and a very slow pace. The guys came back into the diagnostics room with the cylinder.

"Let's get some range between us and that thing." Faith said.

Faith ran back into the corridor that lead back to the lobby and screamed.

"Is she dead?" Vincent asked.

Faith suddenly stumbled back in the room with 20 of the swarm creatures clinging to her. Richard blasted her and them back with his force gun and she smashed into the cylinder as it moved back and forth. All the motion caused her to vomit on the corpse inside as she fell out.

"You expect me to be thankful for that?" Faith asked.

"No, I wanted to see if I could blow your clothes off." Richard said.

A loud roar caused the team to run like hell back to the lobby.

"It's okay everyone. I don't think the monsters can get us in here. No promises." Vincent said.

"Alright, now I need a DNA sample of the creature in the food storage bay. There should be one in the clinic." Kendra said.

"Can we stop by the food court? I'm hungry." Richard said.

"I only eat a tic tac for breakfast lunch and dinner." Faith said.

"There is no food court." Kendra said.

"What?! Why?" Richard demanded.

"Well, there was, but it was destroyed by a meteor." Kendra said.

"Fuck." Richard cursed.

The guys went through the door to the clinic. Suddenly, they got locked in the ER. Mercer (Lame white Mr T rip off without a mohawk) appeared behind another window.

"Eh heheheheheeh! Your persistence begins to annoy me my pretties." Lame white Mr T rip off without a mohawk said.

"Go fuck yourself, radical piece of shit." Richard insulted.

"Have a little fire scarecrow!" Lame white Mr T rip off without a mohawk said.

Suddenly, Dexter broke through a nearby vent and slasher's broke through the others. Mercer rode off on his didgeridoo again.

"I'll take the ugly one." Vincent said.

"Thats a very descriptive hint." Faith said.

"Oh shut it, Paris Hilton." Vincent taunted.

The team split up to fight the monsters equally. Faith slid on the floor towards Dexter and kicked him in the groin, causing him to fall over.

Isaac sliced off the legs of a slasher with his line gun then taunted it by running around it in circles.

Richard fired a ball of force energy into the center of a group of Slashers and knocked them all over like Bowling pins.

Vincent pulled her shirt up and mesmerized 2 slashers with her breasts. Then she cut them both up with her ripper.

Then the weird quarantine thing ended and the door at the other end of the room opened up. The gang sprinted out through that door as the Hunter/Dexter regrew it's limbs.

"Why aren't the fucking doors closing?" Richard asked.

Strangely enough, the doors weren't closing as Dexter ran towards them.

"Quick! Barricade the door!" Vincent yelled.

The team grabbed nearby items and shoved them infront of the doorway. This included a giant stuffed care bear, a gurney, a microwave, and a poster of Barack Obama. Dexter walked up to the barricade and lost interest and retreated into an air vent.

"I can't believe that worked." Richard said.

Before continuing on, Vincent shot a rivet at the poster of Barack Obama. After looting a small room, they continued down the hall and encountered another guardian by a door.

"These things are like cripples." Richard said.

That comment angered the Guardian and it shot out a pod. Isaac sliced off it's tentacle and shot another mine in front of it. Unfortunately, the guardian pulled it's tentacles back inside it's chest before it exploded, doing no damage. Isaac retaliated by shooting 15 more of them. When they all exploded, the guardian was reduced to a simple black mark on the wall.

"Taioh!" Isaac said.

"Whoa! I can make a bunch of rings out of this!" Faith said, holding a gold semi conductor.

"We need to sell that at the Kiosk so we can buy more supplies." Vincent said.

"What? Hell no!" Faith said.

Faith took off running down the hall with the rest of the crew in tow. They all paused at the end when they found another creepy female scientist standing by a corpse on a gurney, crying.

"Whats the matter ma'am?" Vincent asked.

"My husband's dead." She said, bawling.

"Hang on, I think we can revive him!" Richard said.

Richard went over to the corpse and grabbed a defibrillator. He shoved it on the corpse's chest and yelled "clear". The corpse didn't do anything.

"He's gone." The nurse said, bawling.

"No, we can still save him." Richard said.

"Why bother?" Faith asked.

"Because then we can have these 2 wander around with us and use them as bait." Richard said.

"Alright, lets operate." Faith said.

Richard and Faith Gathered next to the corpse. Richard tore it's shirt off and used a scalpel to cut a large hole in his chest.

"We need to replace his heart." Richard said.

"The ribs and lungs are in the way." Faith said.

"Lets remove them then." Richard said.

"Thats not how a heart transplant is done." Vincent said.

"Fuck that, this is funny." Richard said.

Richard got a ballpin hammer and smashed the rib cage to pieces as the nurse watched in horror. Then Faith used a pair of hedge clippers to snip out the lungs. Then Richard grabbed the heart and ripped it out without even cutting the arteries.

"Okay, new heart." Richard said.

"We don't have one." The nurse said.

"What? You don't have a single replacement heart?" Richard asked.

"No, we accidentally gave them to the cafeteria where they were eaten." The Nurse said bawling.

"Damn, we need something else then." Richard said.

Richard pulled out the automatic can opener he picked up in _Echo Night Beyond_. He took out it's battery and connected it's wires to the corpse's arteries. Then he taped the lungs back in, put a wire rack in place of the ribs, and sewed a paper towel over it all.

"There, good as new." Richard said.

The corpse sat up, it's face was decaying rapidly and held it's arms out towards the nurse, whom screamed and ran off with the corpse running after her.

"It's a happy ending." Richard said.

The team went back up the hallway and through the door next to the guardian. They located an office that belonged to Mercer.

"Lets teach that fucker a lesson by screwing up his office." Richard said.

The guys went into the office and started vandalizing. Richard spray painted the words "I like penis" on the wall. Faith pushed over his book shelf and then set fire to it. Vincent drew a mustache on his self portrait. Isaac picked up an audio log.

"The subject responds well to it's injection. The biggest advantage is that it cannot speak. Dr Kyne has succumbed to the weird hallucinations of the marker. He spoke to me at lunch that he had sex with his wife last night. His wife died during the great space herpes outbreak. Oh well, my specimen grows restless. I think I'll put on a movie for it. Than it's off to bedtime and I read it a story before getting it in it's sleeper and rocking it to sleep." Mercer said in the log.

"Now lets smash this expensive console!" Richard said, about to smash a console with a chair.

"Wait! The DNA sample is in there!" Isaac said.

"Well hurry up and get it out. I wanna smash this thing." Richard said.

Isaac got a DNA capsule out of the console.

"Well done Isaac, just get it back to the chemical lab and-" Kendra started before Mercer interrupted.

"How dare you destroy my lab! Your persistence has reached it's limit. Have a little vacuum scarecrow! Eh hehehehehehehe!" The Lame white Mr T rip off without a mohawk said.

"I can't breathe!" Richard said, choking.

"Space suits on!" Vincent said.

The team magically donned their space suits.

"Who was that? Oh, it looks like someone shut off the life support in that deck. Go to the security station. Theres a console there that can reset it." Kendra said.

The gang sprinted back down the hall. Richard however, briefly returned to Mercer's office and smashed the console with a chair before joining the others. When he rejoined them, he saw Isaac stumbling around with a bunch of swarmers all over him. Richard blasted them off with his force gun.

As they ran through the halls, they passed the corpses of the nurse and her undead husband, dead of suffocation.

"The perfect ending." Richard said.

The guys got back to the ER and Richard blew the barricade out of the way with his force gun. They were attacked by the hunter/Dexter again.

"That thing looks real familiar for some reason." Faith said.

"Don't talk. We running on oxygen." Isaac said.

Isaac hit Dexter with Stasis and watched helplessly as everyone slaughtered his Slasher and pregnant companions. Then everyone took turns refilling at the oxygen station and fled before the stasis wore off. Dexter fell to the ground, crying.

The gang made it back to the security station and re-pressurized the deck with a console behind the counter.

Meanwhile, somewhere on Earth...

Inside a secure F.E.A.R compound, a knob on an exit door jimmied. It refused to open, so the end of a crowbar was shoved through it's crack and ripped open. A red alarm light flashed above the door. Rebecca smashed it with her crowbar.

"Alright, he should be around here somewhere." She said.

"For fucks sakes, who?" The Marine asked.

"You'll see in just a second. Just try to be quiet." Rebecca said.

Suddenly, a car alarm went off. Rebecca saw Gex in a red gi with his foot through the window of a car he brutalized. Rebecca death glared at him. Suddenly, several soldiers with submachine guns showed up.

"Freeze! Hands in the air!" One of them yelled.

Gex jumped at them and knocked most of them off their feet with his tail. Then was shot in the chest by the last one. Before he could shoot Rebecca and the marine, a spectral figure appeared. He had black hair and a short sleeved gray uniform that had SFOD-D on it.

"BOO!" He yelled.

The remaining soldier pissed himself and feinted.

"What the hell are you doing here?" The Specter asked.

"I need a favor." Rebecca said.

"Wait, hes your contact?" The Marine asked.

"Whos this? Your new husband?" The specter asked.

"Look, stop being a dick. We need guns, lots of them." Rebecca said.

"You think I'm just gonna give them to you?" The specter said.

"How about we do you a favor?" Rebecca offered.

"I can get you lots of chicks." Gex said.

"Really?" The specter asked, happily.

"No, they all dumped me." Gex said.

"Well theres only one other thing you can do for me. Kill the bastard that killed me!" The specter said.

"You need someone dead? No sweat, just tell where to find him and he'll be dead before you know it." The Marine said.

"It's not that simple, he is already dead, a ghost like myself, Micheal Becket." The specter said.

"The guy from _Fear 2_?" The marine asked.

"Yeah, that bastard Paxton Fettel took me out of the series. I'm gonna make him pay!" Becket said.

"My husband told me all about freeing ghosts, but killing them is a different matter. We need to find someone who can help." Rebecca said.

"What about the kids from _Fatal Frame_?" Becket asked.

"Are you kidding? The author would never want to use those bitches." Rebecca said.

"Then how are you gonna kill him?" Becket asked.

"I guess we'll have to do it ourselves." Rebecca said.

"What the hell could you do?" Becket asked.

"Believe me, I'm capable of many things." Rebecca said.

"Like hand jobs?" Gex asked before Rebecca kicked him in the groin.

Back on the Ishimura...

"My wife is gonna kill me when I get home. I just thought of her." Richard said.

"Good work Isaac, now go back to the Chem lab and mix the poison." Kendra said.

"We ran all the way over here and now we have to run all the way back there? Fuck that." Richard said, sitting down.

"We'll come back for you when we're done, okay?" Isaac asked.

"Sure, whatever suits you." Richard said.

Vincent, Faith, and Isaac went back to Image Diagnostics while Richard stayed at the security station. He pulled out a book he picked up in _Echo Night Beyond_.

"12/9/2043, Jason spilled coffee all over dashboard. Yay." Richard read.

Suddenly, a diamond encrested throwing knife lodged into his book. Richard saw a young girl holding several other knives in a combat stance across from him.

"Aren't you a little young to be playing with knives?" Richard asked.

Another knife flew by his head.

"I'm Jennifer from the Psychological 7, I'm gonna kick your ass!" She said.

"Oh boy.." Richard sighed.

"I'm gonna pierce your ass with my-" Jennifer started before being slammed into the wall by a force gun energy ball.

"I think I'll meet up with the others." Richard said.

Back to the others...

"Isaac, I found some more logs, they said some weird ass creature that looks like an anus moved into the food storage bay and began poisoning the air by-" Kendra started.

"We don't want to know!" Vincent yelled.

"It's called Leviathan." Kendra said.

"Why?" Isaac asked.

"Because thats what they call it." Kendra said.

"Why?" Isaac asked.

"I just said." Kendra said.

"Why call it Leviathan? Why not..Big Mouth?" Isaac asked.

"Big mouth? That doesn't sound intimidating at all." Kendra said.

"But it makes more sense." Isaac said.

"I'd like to continue discussing this, but I ate a cracker not too long ago and I have to get it out of my system, so just finish the poison." Kendra said.

"Okay." Isaac said.

The guys made it back to the chemical lab and Isaac inserted the capsule into the console. After a few seconds, it popped back up and Isaac took the finished poison.

"Your persistence is somewhat admirable, even if it is misplaced." Lame white Mr T rip off without a mohawk said.

"Oh man it's you." Vincent said.

"Come into the cyrogenic room. I think you should hear of my plan." Lame white Mr T rip off without a mohawk said.

"Sorry deranged psycho, but we have to get to hydroponics to kill this weird anus monster." Isaac said.

Isaac threw a fit when he saw that the door they came through was locked.

"I guess we have to play his little game." Isaac said.

"I hope Richard finds us." Vincent said.

The gang went through the only other door that was open at the time. They eventually came in the cyrogenics room Faith woke up in. There was a massive piece of plywood over one of the windows of the control room.

"Earth has yet to realize the magnificence of these creatures." Mercer started.

"Who said that?" Isaac asked.

"Over here, idiot." Mercer said, walking behind a different window.

"Oh, okay, I didn't see you there." Isaac said.

"I've decided to take some of the creatures back to Earth with me." Mercer said.

"You can't do that! Everyones going to die!" Vincent yelled.

"No, they will become a new species." Mercer said.

"I'm sick of your radical religious behavior. I'm gonna shove this ripper up your ass." Vincent threatened.

"I don't think so, my pretty. My pet still wants to play with you." Mercer said.

Suddenly, Dexter broke through a vent on the ceiling and jumped onto the floor. Mercer laughed like a witch again and rode off on his magic Didgeridoo. Isaac cut off Dexter's legs with his line gun.

"I Hope Richard gets here before I run out of ammo." Isaac said.

Suddenly, Richard fell out of a ceiling vent and landed on Dexter.

"Hi guys. The door was locked so I tried crawling through the air vents." Richard said.

Dexter grew his legs back right infront of Richard, who shrieked and blasted them off again with his force gun before jumping to his feet and standing with the others.

"Lets fuck outta here." Faith yelled.

Faith went over to the door they came through and found it locked. She kicked it and almost broke her leg.

"Why can't they just use regular doors?" Faith asked.

Just as Dexter started crawling towards them, Jennier fell through the air vent on the ceiling and landed on him. She jumped to her feet, posing like a power ranger.

"Is that your new girlfriend?" Vincent asked.

"Ewww no. She's like, 12." Richard said.

"Prepare to die Osmond!" Jennifer yelled.

"You leave my buddy alone." Isaac said.

"Fuck you!" Jennifer yelled.

Jennifer threw a knife at Isaac, who caught it midair with his Kinesis module and threw it back into her shoulder.

"Ow, what the fuck?!" Jennifer whined.

To add more insult, Isaac hit her with stasis.

"Your dead meat motherfucker." She said in slow motion.

She threw a knife in slow motion which Isaac easily side stepped before it hit him. Dexter regrew his legs again and hissed at Jennifer.

"Back off, he's mine!" She yelled.

Jennifer threw a knife at Dexter, which didn't actually do anything. She threw, like 14 more at him and it still didn't do anything. He swiped at her, which she ducked under and ran off.

"Get away from me, pervert!" She yelled.

Dexter chased her around the room as some other Necromorphs appeared from the vents. Isaac fought hundreds of them already so he easily took care of them with his plasma cutter.

"How are we gonna kill that giant potato?" Richard asked.

"If only there was some way to cryogenically freeze him." Isaac said, oblivious to the cryogenic chamber in the middle of the room.

"What about the cryogenic chamber the author just mentioned?" Vincent asked.

"Well, I was thinking we just staple him to the wall, but that works too." Isaac said.

"But the control room is locked. Oh wait, it's open now." Richard said.

"Good, you guys get to the controls, I stun him in the chamber with my stasis." Isaac said.

Richard, Faith, and Vincent ran into the control room.

"How the fuck do you work this thing?" Richard asked.

"Just push the button." Vincent said.

Richard pushed the holographic button and the chamber closed and sprayed liquid nitrogen inside.

"Not now!" Vincent said.

"Well you told me to push the button!" Richard yelled.

A lurker suddenly broke through a nearby vent and jumped on Vincent. Another one jumped on Faith.

"What is with these retarded holographic panels anyway? Were they really that cheap!?" Richard asked.

Vincent punched the Lurker on her back while Faith bit the tentacle of the one that was on her. Dexter stabbed Jennifer through the waist and lifted her off the ground.

"Put me down! Put me down!" She yelled, stabbing a knife in his face.

Isaac blasted his other arm off to get his attention.

"Your so ugly, even Obama wouldn't give you aid!" Isaac taunted.

This made Dexter angry and started running towards Isaac. Isaac ran blindly for the chamber and ran into it's closed door, because it was still active.

"Did you press the button too early?" Isaac yelled.

Richard was trying to pull the lurker off Faith while Vincent kept banging her Lurker against the wall. Isaac jumped out of the way as Dexter was about to hit him. The door suddenly opened and Dexter hit the floor, with Jennifer still attached to his arm. Isaac hit them with stasis.

"I'm going to sue your ass!" Jennifer yelled, in slow motion.

"Now! Freeze them like those little juice pops!" Isaac yelled.

"Oh right." Richard said.

Richard let go of the Lurker clinging to Faith and pressed the button again. The doors to the chamber seal shut and sprayed liquid nitrogen on Dexter and Jennifer. They both froze in their stupid position with her stabbing him in the face. An elevator under the chamber descended.

"Specimen stored for later use." A voice said.

"Taioh!" Isaac said.

Vincent finally killed the Lurker that was on her back and then killed the one that was on Faith. Isaac came into the control room and took a power node.

"I just now noticed you were locked in the cryogenic chamber, so I unlocked the doors. There should be a secondary tram through that door. Head to Hydroponics." Kendra said.

"Why didn't you use that secondary tram earlier when we first got here?" Isaac asked.

"Isaac, where are you?" Another voice on the radio asked.

"Nicole?! Where are you? Nicole!? NICOLE?! Oh well, maybe she had another call. I'll leave a message." Isaac said.

"I hope we catch that fucked up scientist so we can fuck him up." Richard said.

"Revenge doesn't solve anything." Vincent said.

"You would say that, Miss backstabbed by Unitologist!" Richard said.

"Fine, I get first shot at him." Vincent said.

The guys went through the door and found another tram.

"I hope there are peanuts or something on it. I'm fucking hungry." Richard said.

The team got on the tram and Isaac pressed the switch. Much to Richard's dismay, there were no peanuts on board.

Meanwhile, on the Psychological 7's ship...

"Jesus, that Richard guy is tougher than he looks. I should hire him to replace Daniel." Thomas said.

Suddenly, Daniel popped up beside him, wearing a red spandex suit and eye mask.

"What the fuck are you doing?" Thomas asked.

"I'm the Shadow of the orb! The most fearsome member of the Psychological 7!" Daniel said.

"Really? Why?" Thomas asked.

"Because I possess a technique only I can use! The techique..of Lantern Combat!" Daniel said, holding his lantern out.

"Lanterns! Ooohh Scary!" Thomas said sarcastically.

"It is, watch this." Daniel said.

Daniel swung his lantern around like a nun-chuck, then hit Thomas in the face. Thomas grabbed it and smashed it on the floor.

"Please boss, let me try an kill him. I won't let you down." Daniel said.

"No! You'll just fuck it up." Thomas said.

"Why am I even on this team if I never get to do anything?" Daniel asked.

"Because we need someone to scrub the latrines. Now stop crying and get back to work." Thomas said.

Tears flowed from Daniel's eyes as he ran down the hallway crying. The guy from _The Dark _eye approached Thomas.

"Can I try to kill him?" He asked.

"Sure. Knock yourself out. Let me give you a weapon." Thomas said.

"Don't bother, I'm the only one on this team who knows what Psychological horror means." The guy from _The Dark Eye_ said.

"I love the way you think." Thomas said.

"I know." The guy from _The Dark Eye_ said.

"On your way out, tell Benny to retrieve Jennifer." Thomas said.

Meanwhile, on the bridge...

Theodore was trying to enjoy a nice Pumpkin latte in the room with all the holograms. The Raz and Milly stumbled in and somehow spilled it on his Parka. A look of rage appeared on his face.

"No! Don't worry! I'll fix it!" Raz said.

Raz took off his boot and rubbed it over the stain on his parka, leaving mud on it. Theodore punched Raz.

"What do you need us to do sir?" Milly asked.

"I wanted to introduce you both to some new faces." Theodore said.

"Oh! I love new faces! Their my favorite part of people! Unless their ugly, in which case I like their genitals." Raz said.

"Yes, thank you for sharing that. Here they are." Theodore said.

3 figures walked out of a red portal. One was Asian with a green jumpsuit with black around the torso area. The second was black with a gray jumpsuit. The third was a woman with brown hair in a blue jumpsuit.

"This is Kenzo Uji, Martin Karne, and Diane Matlock. Your replacements." Theodore said.

"Nice to meet you. It's finally nice to meet some more intelligent, wait. Did you just say replacements!?" Milly demanded.

"Yes, they are now my right hand minions." Theodore said.

"Thats crap! You can't fire us! They never even had a sequel!" Raz said.

"They made a sequel to _Overblood_?" Kenzo asked.

"Oh I'm not firing you." Theodore said.

"Phew, thats a relief." Milly said.

"I've simply demoted you to the role of baggage carriers." Theodore said.

"WUT!?" Raz asked.

"You can't do this to us." Milly said.

Theodore zapped them in their sensitive areas again.

"What would you like us to transport first?" Milly asked.

"My new minions need some of their equipment carried here from their game. Use the portal to bring it here. And make sure it's in one piece or you'll get hell for it." Theodore said.

"Yes sir." Raz and Milly both said.

Raz and Milly went though the portal and found themselves in a room with a glass ceiling that showed a red sky. Around them, they were surrounded by zombies.

"Wheres the stuff?" Raz asked.

"I have a list here." Milly said.

Milly pulled out a big roll of paper and unrolled it. It rolled all the way down the hall.

"That horrible selfish prick. We'll make him sorry." Milly said.

"Don't worry, I have a plan." Raz said.

Raz whispered into Milly's ear and a fiendish smile appeared on both of their faces. Then a zombie tackled Raz and Milly just stood there and watched.

To Be Continued...

**Okay, lets get some reviews this time around. The new guys that replaced Raz and Milly are from a cheap horror game called **_**Martian Gothic Unification**_**. You can find it cheap on the internet, or just watch some walkthrough videos of it and save the money. Well, see you next month.**

**(Takes off diaper and runs around naked.)**


	6. Banana ethusiast

Chapter 6: Banana enthusiast

Gordon, 6, and Dante wandered into some random crew member's quarters. 6 slunked out on a bunk.

"This looks like a nice place to barricade ourselves in." 6 said.

"Yeah, I'll look for something to block the door with." Gordon said, going into the bathroom.

"A fine home this place will make." Dante said.

Dante crafted a scythe out of spine and a slasher's blade. 6 went over to a dresser.

"I'm gonna find you some clothes." 6 said.

"I need no clothes of any kind." Dante said.

"Thats a shame, because you'd look very Faithful if you wore this." 6 said, pulling out a pink dress.

"I would? Well, perhaps I can make an exception." Dante said.

Dante slipped on the dress. 6 could be heard giggling from behind his helmet. Gordon came back out dragging a bathtub and broke into laughter when he saw Dante.

Meanwhile, in Hydroponics bay...

Richard searched the waiting area for any snacks of enjoyment. He broke open suitcases and found drugs, underwear, dynamite, and assless chaps, but no food. Isaac did find an audio log.

"This is Dr Elizebeth Cross. I'm sorry to say that while we are experiencing a good season, the surplus it produced has not. Simply a day ago, several of our most obese workers came down here and ate the surplus because they were bored. As such, I have banned them from access of the hydroponics. I was going to give the surplus to the colony on the surface, but the Captain refused it. I was going to bitchslap him if those fat hogs didn't eat what could have save hundreds of lives." It said.

The girls were in the bathroom looking for anything of use. Sadly, they couldn't pick anything up because there was a bunch of green alien shit in one of the toilets and it freaked them out too much. They grabbed a schematic for contact energy and took another elevator down and Richard put up another certificate of authenticity. When they got off the elevator, a toxic smell filled their nostrils.

"God, it smells like that catacomb I was in back in _Echo Night 1_." Richard said.

"We'd better put on our space suits." Vincent said.

"The author colored them for us." Faith said.

"Really? Thats nice of him." Isaac said.

The gang magically donned their space suits. Richard's was white with a blue torso area. Faith's upper half was black with white legs. Vincent's was the same color it was before.

"I guess brown must be my color." Vincent said.

Loud coughing was heard from around the corner. Hammond was leaning against one of the glass walls that housed the plants, like pumpkins and other stuff.

"I can make some pumpkin pie with that shit." Richard said, trying to break open the glass.

"Isaac, don't take your helmet off. It's toxic up in here. Oh, I see you found another female survivor." Hammond said.

"Holy shit! Your alive Hammond! For a second I thought I was about to get promoted, but sadly no." Kendra said.

"Say, can you feel my pulse? I can't feel it in these gloves." Hammond asked Faith.

"Okay, I going to be a doctor before my parents died." Faith said.

Faith felt Hammond's pulse while he grabbed one of her small breasts. She punched him in the face.

"Damn, not much meat there at all." Hammond said before Faith kicked him. "The crew, they're the source of the toxin. They got turned into weird naked freaks with big humps on their backs. I think I'm just gonna sit here and be useless until you finish up."

"Hammonds not gonna last much longer until you freshen things up down there." Kendra said.

"Does the store sell Febreeze plug ins?" Richard asked.

"No, so the only way to do that is to kill the poison pods, the food storage won't open until you do. And take your time, I know Hammond doesn't have long, but you don't want to be reckless. And I'm not trying to let him die so I can get that promotion or anything, but you know, just sitting here doing my make up." Kendra said.

"Thats a world record for longest speech in fanfiction." Richard said.

The team left Hammond sitting up against the wall and entered the atmosphere control room. They stopped at the kiosk and Isaac was able to purchase a Contact beam and Flamethrower after entering cheat codes in the pause menu. He gave the Flamethrower to Faith and kept the contact beam for himself. Richard went up to the control console and pressed the button.

"Air quality too low." The computer said.

"Fuck, why does the air quality have to be high just for us to enter the food storage?" Richard asked.

The guys went through a door into a small hallway.

"Isaac." Kendra started.

"Try to keep it under 500 words this time." Vincent said.

"Even though hes about to die and I should feel sorry for him, I still say Hammond knows more than hes letting on about the marker. He's a dirty lying bastard." She said.

"Whatever, we'll call back." Richard said before turning off Isaac's TV.

"But I was about to ask her about Nicole." Isaac said.

"We'll find her-" Richard started before hot steam shot into his torso.

Isaac rushed to help him, but he got shot with a hot blast of steam too. Vincent and Faith helped them to their feet as more steam shot out of a pipe. They panicked and ran to the end of the hall and got on a small lift, except Faith, who was unable to catch up as the lift started ascending. She grabbed hold on the bottom of it though.

"What the fuck was that stuff? Acid?" Richard asked.

"I think those were from the gas lines." Vincent said.

"Wheres Faithy?" Richard asked.

"I'm down here you fucking jackasses." Faith yelled, clutching the bottom of the elevator.

"Oh, what are you doing down there?" Isaac asked.

"Help me up there, you dumbass!" Faith yelled.

"Theres not enough room. Just shimmy along that catwalk and climb over a railing." Richard said.

"I fucking hate you guys, I should have just stayed on that tram." Faith muttered.

The team got off the elevator and a single slasher jumped onto the catwalk from the ceiling. The guys aimed their guns at it and they all just clicked.

"Oh fuck, I forgot to buy more ammo." Isaac said.

"What happened to the massive stockpile Richard was carrying?" Vincent asked.

"I sold everything to buy power nodes." Richard said.

"My rivet gun has unlimited ammo, thankfully." Vincent said, pulling out her Rivet gun.

"No it doesn't." Isaac said.

"Yes, it's the one from _Dead Space Extraction_." Vincent said.

Vincent fired 2 shots at the slasher's arms, not even severing them.

"Damn it, gotta reload." Vincent said.

"I thought you said it has unlimited ammo." Richard said.

"I did, I never said it didn't have to be reloaded." Vincent said.

The slasher roared at them and they ran back to the lift and Isaac started tapping the button.

"Why can't they have fucking stairs?!" Richard demanded.

Richard grabbed the slasher's arms as it tried to stab him and barely held it back. Vincent and Isaac started pummeling it. They knocked it off it's legs and threw it back. Faith finally climbed over the railing and blasted it with her flamethrower, burning it's limbs off.

"Thank god that gun had ammo in it when you purchased it." Richard said.

"Oh, I forgot my contact beam has ammo in it too." Isaac said.

"You fucker." Vincent muttered.

The guys went through the door at the end of the catwalk and entered the west grow chamber that had various glass chambers with plants in them. Richard pressed his face up against one, drooling while looking at the bananas on the other side.

"They say banana based diets can hurt you, but I'm all for it now." Richard said.

Isaac saw Vincent kneel down beside some body parts. He went over beside her and saw her sobbing, with snot coming out of her nose.

"Did you just remember the ending of _Klonoa: Door to Phantomisle_? I always cry when I do too." Isaac said.

"No, these are my team mates. This halved one is Shen and, I think this headless corpse is Hanson." Vincent said.

"Don't worry, I've lost 2 team mates since I first got here." Isaac said.

"It must have been painful losing close friends." Vincent said.

"Not really, they never even talked to me." Isaac said.

Suddenly, a slasher broke through a nearby vent. Vincent reloaded her rivet gun and nailed it to the wall with four shots. A lurker crawled along the wall and stuck out it's tentacles. Isaac aimed his contact beam at it and pulled the trigger, it started charging.

"Why isn't it shooting anything? It must be defect-" He started before it fired and completely eviscerated the lurker.

Richard was chased by a slasher, whom followed him as he ran around this containment unit several times. Faith blasted it with her flamethrower, where it still continued to chase him around the unit. It burned out eventually and Isaac lead the team with his locator device. They heard deep breathing coming from inside a small room. They cautiously proceeded inside and suddenly had to switch to their oxygen reserves as it was filled with gas.

"Phew, smells like taco bell in here." Faith said.

Richard shrieked when he saw this hideous creature in the corner. It was a man, but it was naked and had a massive hump on it's back with gas holes in it. Disgusted by it's appearance, Isaac sliced it's head off with his plasma cutter (which used ammo he salvaged from a slasher) and the gas disappeared.

"Great, one down, who knows how many more to go." Richard said unenthusiastically.

The guys went back into the grow chamber and encountered a pregnant necromorph.

"Someone get me a doctor!" It screamed.

"You can fucking talk?" Faith asked.

"It's a motherfucking fan fic! Of course I can talk!" It yelled.

"Whats wrong?" Isaac asked.

"What do you think dipshit!? I'm in labor!" It yelled.

"I kinda know medical shit, so let me handle it. Lie down and push." Richard said.

The pregnant laid down and pushed a baby leaper out of her massive gut. Richard diapered it and gave it to her.

"I'm gonna call him leapy." She said.

"I think it's a girl. And one more thing..." Richard said.

Richard pulled out his force gun and blew her and her baby to pieces.

"OMG! Richard! What have you done!?" Isaac flipped out.

"Dude, shes a hideous laborous beast. Shes better off dead, she probably got divorced." Richard said.

"But she still had a heart..." Isaac said, crying under his helmet.

"He's pretty much right Isaac." Vincent said.

"Your too dangerous to let live Richard!" Isaac yelled, aiming his plasma cutter at Richard's head.

"Whoa, calm down man, we're supposed to be old friends." Richard said.

"Isaac? Can you hurry it up with those poison pods? I'm dying over here." Hammond said on the radio.

"Alright, this ain't over." Isaac said.

"Of course not." Richard said.

"Of course not what?" Isaac asked.

"Nothing." Richard said.

They went into another gas filled room and sliced the head off another poison pod.

"Where are the others Kendra?" Isaac asked.

"Can't talk, my toe nails are drying." Kendra said.

"Why don't you get your face out of your makeup box and start helping us?" Vincent demanded.

"What?" Kendra asked.

"Up yours." Vincent said.

The guys decided to follow Isaac's locator again, which was much more valuable than Kendra. It lead them onto an elevator, where it pointed straight up.

"I don't see a ladder anywhere. They must have taken it down. Blast." Isaac said.

"Or they could just do this." Faith said, starting the elevator.

"Oh, I thought the control panel was a watering system." Isaac said.

They took the lift to the 3rd floor and started exploring the catwalk.

"I found a gold semi conductor." Richard said.

"Give it to me! It'll look great on my legs." Faith said.

"Sorry, I need this thing to buy some more power nodes. I'm gonna give them to my wife for her birthday." Richard said, putting it in his backpack.

"You are aware those things are used to upgrade your weapons, right?" Vincent asked.

"What does that do?" Richard asked.

"It gives them more ammo, increases power, increases reload speed." Isaac said.

"How does putting a glowing node in a gun increase it's reload speed?" Richard asked.

"Maybe..it..greases the clips?" Isaac suggested.

"How does it do that?" Richard asked.

"I don't know, dial the power node support number." Isaac said.

"With the reception on this ship? Thats impossible." Vincent said.

"What!? We're on Impossible difficulty!?" Isaac panicked.

"No no no, we're playing on easy." Vincent said.

"Thank god, I'd die 10 times more if this fan fic was on Impossible difficulty." Isaac said.

The guys went back down one level to the second floor since there was nothing else on the 3rd floor. They went into a room at the end of the catwalk. Suddenly, a blonde girl's face appeared on the monitors.

"Isaac..help me...make us whole...make us whole.." She said.

"Nicole!" Isaac screeched.

Isaac ran headfirst into the monitor again as it went blank. Everyone laughed until Isaac almost shot their heads off with his line gun. The room was filled with green gas and corpses as well as another fucking poison pod. Vincent popped it with her rivet gun. Suddenly, 2 infectors came in through the vents and infected the corpses on the ground.

"Ewww, their fucking dead people." Faith said.

"Yeah, and their semen turns them into monsters." Richard said.

Faith shot a fireball out from her flamethrower and set everything on fire, including Isaac.

"AAAHHAHH! Stop drop and roll!" Isaac yelled, rolling around on the floor.

Richard grabbed a chair and started hitting Isaac with it in an attempt to put out the fire. Vincent picked up a dead infector and squeezed blood out from it's mouth tube onto Isaac, which somehow put out the fire, although now he was black and covered in blood with various stuff from the ground stuck to it, like pens, paper clips, sticky notes, and gum.

The guys had to carry Isaac since he was too weak to walk. They went to the door opposite of the one they entered. They came to a long hallway with 2 air vents at the end. They shattered and 2 creatures with big glowing sacs attached to their arms crawled out.

"Have we encountered these guys yet?" Vincent asked.

"I can't remember." Richard said.

"Fuck that, I'm gonna rupture those giant testicles of theirs." Faith said.

Faith grabbed Vincent's rivet gun and shot one at a glowing sac, which exploded it and the one next to it.

"Smoked their asses." Faith said.

Suddenly, 2 more exploders climbed out of the vents, whom Faith blew up again.

"Smoked their asses too." Faith said again.

Then more exploders climbed out of the vents.

"Oh come on." Faith said as she blew them up too.

They waited a moment to see if anymore would come out.

"Good, I think I popped them all." Faith said.

Then as she ran to the end of the hall, 2 more exploders crawled out. As she cursed loudly, they slammed their massive testicle arms on her and exploded. Faith was then laying on the floor covered in ash and blood. Vincent ended up having to drag her while Richard dragged Isaac.

Meanwhile, somewhere on the bridge...

Theodore was looking at his remarkably restored red stone dagger. Courtesy of Challus Mercer. Before he could swing it round to look cool. He heard several knocks on the door.

"Come in." He said, more knocks were heard. "I said come in!"

More knocks were heard. He angerly stomped over to the door and opened it himself, where he saw Raz and Milly.

"What are you 2 doing here? I thought I told you to move the supplies." Theodore said, losing his temper.

"We did that stuff, but me and Milly wanted to show you something." Raz said.

They both entered the room and 2 other figures walked in. The first had spiky blonde hair with blue pants, strange boots, and a black jacket with red sleeves. The other was a woman with a black skirt, red hair, green and black striped tank top, black stockings, and long black gloves.

"Who are these freaks?" Theodore asked.

"These are the protagonists of _Overblood 2_." Milly said.

"They made an _Overblood 2_? When did that happen?" Theodore asked.

"I'm Arcano Brady. I'm a junk blade racer." The blonde guy said.

"What the hell is a junk blade?" Theodore asked again, not understanding anything that was going on.

"And I'm Chris. I'm a government agent." The girl said.

"Why do you have a man's name?" Theodore asked again.

"With these 2 working with us, we're way better than those fags from _Martian Gothic Unification_." Raz said.

"Yeah, so what do you say? Give us our old positions back?" Milly asked.

Theodore was getting tired of his retarded companion's attempts to regain his favor. He decided to do something that would shut them up.

"Yes, I do have a special assignment for you." Theodore said.

"You do? Would you like us to polish your dagger?" Milly asked.

"NO! I just got it back from Mercer!" Theodore said.

"Not that dagger, I meant-" Milly started.

"NO! Not that one either! I need to to protect something." Theodore said.

"I'm great at protecting stuff, I had to babysit Milly back in _Overblood 1_." Raz said.

"Did not." Milly said.

"Did too." Raz said.

"Did not." Milly said.

"Did too." Raz said.

"I safeguarded this data storage capsule back in _Overblood 2_." Arcano said.

"Guard? You were trying to sell it." Chris said.

"Hey, these junk blade boots don't pay for themselves." Arcano said.

"Whatever, anyway, in the cargo hold, there is a special...Table. Yes, a table! A table thats part of a critical weapon that I plan on using to kill Richard Osmond." Theodore said.

"I though you were using the psychological 7 to kill him." Milly said.

"Well, the table is a back up plan. Anyway, just go down there, and don't let anyone near it. And don't leave it either, no matter what!" Theodore said.

"You can count on us master." Raz said.

"I'm not." Theodore said.

"Let's go team _Overblood_!" Raz said.

They all tried to high five each other at the same time, but ended up slapping each other in the faces. Then they all jammed into the doorway and got stuck for a brief second before they finally wedged through and ran for the cargo hold.

"Finally, maybe now I can get some work done." Theodore muttered.

Back in the hydroponics bay...

"Come on Isaac, move the hatch." Vincent said.

The guys had entered a zero gravity room filled with spike coated walls. Vincent and Richard were trying to get Isaac, who just recovered, to move a hatch with his kinesis module. Isaac grabbed a waste bin near the entrance.

"The hatch! Not the trash!" Vincent yelled.

"Oh, sorry." Isaac said.

Isaac shot it into Richard's head. Isaac finally moved the hatch open. Faith was resting face down on the floor. A lurker jumped through the now open hatch. Isaac picked up the trash bin again and punted it at the Lurker, knocking it back and impaling it on a spike.

"Again with more logical questioning, why the hell is this room covered in spikes?" Richard asked.

"I think the spikes are supposed to be little refrigeration modules, I think." Vincent said.

Richard slung Faith over his shoulder and they jumped through it and repeated the process a second time where the came to a small alcove on the wall. Upon walking up to it, Vincent was tackled by a leaper that was killed by a couple shots from Isaac's plasma cutter. Then they entered the air filtration room where they were tormented by massive bursts of fire sprouting below them. Isaac grabbed an audio log.

"Hello? This is Dr. Cross. I'm trying to locate my boyfriend Jacob Temple. Of course I know theres a state of emergency, everyones acting like Obama forced Shriah law on everyone. We've locked ourselves in the bathroom for now. Everyone outside keeps yelling at us to let them in because they really have to go. The tram is out, so we can't reach the escape pods. You'd think we'd have some form of back up route. Hello? Damn it, they hung up." It said.

Isaac lead the group to a small lift which took them down to the same floor as the sprouting fire, separated by a wall. There were 15 explosive canisters in front of them. Isaac stared at them, thinking of all the killing they could do. A door with a fuse next to it was on the wall. Richard set Faith down and tried to get her back on her feet.

"Come on, your a runner." Richard said.

"That was before I got hit with 5 kegs of explosives." Faith said.

"Would you do it for an automatic can opener?" Richard asked, holding out the said object.

"No." Faith said.

"A level 4 keycard?" Richard asked.

"No." Faith said.

"A flashlight battery?" Richard asked.

"No." Faith said.

"A picture of my dead girlfriend?" Richard asked.

"No." Faith said.

"A level 2 employee ID card?" Richard asked.

"No." Faith said.

"How about-" He started.

"No." Faith said.

"Fine, be a lazy bitch." Richard said.

"Whoa, I am not lazy! How else am I this thin?" Faith asked.

Isaac smashed the fuse next to the door and saw fire shoot past like the road runner.

"Shouldn't there be a safer way than this?" Richard asked.

"There was..." Vincent said.

Flashback...

A guy in a scientist uniform was walking along a walkway above the corridors that shoot fire, drinking a star bucks coffee. Suddenly, a rusty screw broke and the whole walkway collapsed and the guy fell into one of the corridors.

"Uh Hello? Could someone let me out? The catwalk broke again." He said.

Suddenly, he could see the furnaces warming up.

"LET ME OUT YOU ASSHOLES! I'M GONNA FUCKING BURN! WHAT IS THIS ROOM EVEN USED FOR!?" He yelled banging on a door before being incinerated.

Back to the present...

"Guess we'll have to time it." Isaac said.

After another burst of fire shot past, the team ran into the corridor and immediately backtracked when they saw the next door was locked with a fuse as well.

"Safety locks I presume?" Richard asked.

"I just guard the ship. I don't know shit about their locks." Vincent said.

Vincent shot the fuse with her rivet gun and waited for another burst of fire to pass before running back through. And encountering another fused door in the second corridor.

"Oh crap, we gotta go back!" Isaac panicked.

"Relax." Vincent said, shooting the fuse.

They ran into the other side of the room that did not have any fire shooting, thankfully. Then a slasher charged at the group. Isaac hit it with his plasma cutter and knocked it back into the corridor with the fire, where it was incinerated.

"Sorry!" Isaac said.

Vincent grabbed a nearby poison pod and threw it into the corridor as well, where it was also incinerated. The guys rode another lift up to another catwalk and got on another elevator. And you guessed right, Richard hung another certificate of authenticity. They found themselves back in the west grow chamber.

"I can't take it anymore!" Richard yelled.

Richard picked up a waste basket and slammed it against the windows sealing the bananas. The waste basket broke into pieces.

"Don't tell me these windows are made out of the same shit that was in the bridge?" Richard asked.

Before anyone could answer, another pregnant necromorph and a Lurker climbed out of the vents. Richard grabbed the Lurker by the tentacles and swung it at the pregnant's tiny legs, knocking it on the floor. Then he repeatedly bashed the pregnant's face until the lurker was nothing more but a few tentacles. Vincent nailed the pregnant to the floor with her rivet gun.

"I wonder if I can fry her fetus." Richard said.

"Ewww, thats beyond gross." Faith said.

"What? The build a Bilderburg foundation does it all the time." Richard said.

"Eccch, I think you made the reader vomit." Faith said.

"You vomit every time you swallow a cracker." Richard said.

"Alright, save some arguing for later." Vincent said.

The guys went back to the atmosphere control room, where they stopped at the Kiosk and purchased more ammo and sold Faith's semi-conductors. Then they started towards the east grow chamber. Isaac found another audio log.

"I just heard something big smash into the hull near the food storage bay. It's not an asteroid, I know what that sounds like, when one hit the med bay because the ADS was down. One things for sure, it isn't a giant alien fleshy monster that looks like an anus." It said.

Another guardian was on the wall near the end of the hall. It shot out some of it's little pods with the tentacles that shoot stuff. Richard grabbed one and held his force gun at it.

"Drop your tentacles or your brat gets it." He threatened.

The guardian simply stuck out it's own tentacles and swirled them around.

"So, you surrender?" Richard asked.

Suddenly, the pod Richard was holding exploded into goo. Seeing that their treaty was broken, Isaac blasted the guardian with his Contact beam, leaving only a bloody stain on the wall. Using a power node, Richard unlocked a door that was chock full of supplies.

"If I knew this was coming, I could've saved all those credits." He said.

The gang grabbed a bunch of ammo for their guns and entered another room on the side that had a workbench.

"So how do these power nodes work again?" Richard asked.

"Read the instruction manual." Vincent said.

Vincent handed Richard a book about power nodes, which he began to read. Isaac was staring at the benches screen, wondering what to upgrade.

"Hurry up, I want to upgrade my Ripper." Vincent said.

"Don't rush me! I have a lot of crap to upgrade!" Isaac said.

"Well hurry it up." Vincent said.

Isaac continued to stare blankly at the screen for another minute.

"That does it, my turn." Vincent said.

"NO!" Isaac yelled, blocking the bench.

Isaac and Vincent started slapping each other like little children. Richard got on the bench while they were fighting and upgraded his force gun. Then Faith upgraded her Flamethrower. Then Isaac and Vincent struggled, reaching for the bench. Isaac pulled her back by the hair and stuck out his tongue at her from behind his helmet. He upgraded his Stasis, since he fully upgraded his plasma cutter. Then Vincent finally managed to upgrade her ripper. Isaac went back into the hall and was tackled by 2 slashers. The others just stood there and watched him get mauled.

After fighting off both slashers by himself and barely able to walk, Isaac said Vincent had first dibs on every work bench from now on. They all got on an elevator and rode it to the east grow chamber. It was darker compared to the one in the west.

"I doubt there will be any fresh bananas in here." Richard said.

A brute stormed in from around the corner. Faith ran the other direction in fear, soon being followed by the others. The brute chased after them and they ran around in _Scooby Doo_ style. Richard blasted it with his force gun at close range, but it didn't even phase it. The brute punched him into an airvent. Vincent shot a ripper blade in it's back. As it turned to face her, Isaac shot it in the back with his plasma cutter. It turned to face him and Vincent shot it again. They repeated this until it died.

They pulled Richard out of the vent he was stuck in and they found Faith hiding in another one. They found another poison pod in a corner room and killed it in an unfunny way. Then they followed Isaac's locator, which stopped in the middle of the floor.

"Your stupid waypoint thing is broken." Richard said.

"It's not a waypoint thing, it's a locator." Isaac said.

"Well don't look at me, I don't have one." Vincent said.

"What about you? What do you use for way points?" Richard asked Faith.

"I have something called runner vision. Key objects turn red. Like that panel over there." Faith said, pointing at a control panel.

"That ain't red." Richard said.

"Well it's red to me." Faith said.

"Thats the feed system for the plants, I don't see how that will help." Vincent said.

"If it will grow me some bananas, I'm gonna use it." Richard said.

Richard pressed a button and a glass floor opened and a canister was lowered under it. A poison pod breathed heavily from under it.

"Theres the bitch!" Vincent yelled, shooting it.

"Awww man, he spoiled the bananas." Richard said.

They followed Isaac's locator to another lift and entered a small hallway that had a power node and a save point that was useless because Isaac' hard drive was still full. They entered the next room which had a gold semi-conductor at the other side of the room.

"Hah! Your not snatching this one from me!" Faith said, running for it.

Suddenly, a tentacle lurked in from around the corner. Instead of grabbing Faith as you may have expected. It grabbed Isaac because it loved molesting him.

"Oh come on!" He yelled, shooting at it.

The others actually followed him this time. Faith jumped on it and started punching it's yellow sac. Richard grabbed Isaac and tried to pull him free which only lead to more pain. And Vincent accidentally shot Faith with her ripper. The tentacle suddenly jerked back, knocking everyone down. Isaac equipped his contact beam and, after charging it up, shot the tentacle and blew it up.

"I should put a restraining order on these assholes." Isaac said.

Isaac picked up an audio log that was covered in tentacle goo.

"Hydroponics log, this is Dr Elizabeth Cross. I can't believe whats going on down here. Everyone is naked and running around stabbing everyone else. The survivors are holing up on the bridge, so I'm going to the mining deck. Jacob, I'll see you there, honey." It said.

The guys made their way through the hallway and entered another zero gravity area, as announced by the mysterious female voice on the loudspeaker. The main difference from the last zero gravity area is that almost everything was covered by flesh.

"Ewww, it looks like _Silent Hill_ puked everywhere." Faith said.

"It gets old very fast, trust me." Richard said.

Richard aimed his shoulder light to the left and saw a legless man attached to the wall with a massive crevice in his gut. Richard screamed and pointed at it, where it was blown up by Isaac's contact beam.

"Isaac! That might have been a survivor." Vincent said.

"You mean that Jacob guy?" Isaac asked.

"Well...maybe. But it could be someone else." Vincent said.

"Like that Cross woman? That didn't look like a woman." Isaac said.

"It might be someone else." Vincent said, clearly.

"You mean there are other people who may still be alive on this ship besides that Jacob guy and Cross woman?" Isaac asked.

"Well...good point, they're all probably fucked." Vincent said.

"Well, blue skiddo, we can too." Isaac said, jumping towards a hatch with live electrical wire.

"Wait! That wire is-" Vincent started.

Then Isaac got electrocuted and fell back down, twitching.

"I should probably stasis that wire." Isaac said.

Isaac froze the wire when it was out of the way and they all jumped through the hatch.

"Hey, theres a turn off switch over here. It would've been a lot more useful if it was on the other freaking side." Richard said.

Then a lurker jumped on Richard's head. Richard flailed about, trying to get it off with his comrades constantly missing it. Richard banged the back of his head against the wall. Isaac stasis'd him and the lurker, flailing about in slow mo. Isaac then surgically removed with by pounding 20 plasma cutter slugs into it's tiny misshapen body.

"Whhhhhhhhaaaaaat toooooooooooook sooooooooo looooooonnngggg?" Richard asked, still in stasis.

"Don't worry, stasis wears off in a short minute." Isaac said.

"Whats stasis again?" Richard asked, normally.

"There." Isaac said.

They jumped into another room and violently fucked up another poison pod.

"How the hell did the crew turn into these things? Did they have toxic waste barrels shoved down their throats?" Richard asked.

Suddenly, 2 lurkers jumped into the room and shot projectiles at the group. They all rolled to the side behind a bunch of sand bags that popped up out of nowhere. Isaac went out in the open, his plasma cutter strapped to his waist.

He and one of the lurkers stared at each other while the sun set in the background like an old western film. After several moments of silence, the lurker stretched out it's tentacles which were then blown off by Isaac's plasma cutter. The other lurker ran away in fear.

"That was the stupidest scene we've done yet." Faith said.

"What would you like to do for the next scene?" Richard asked.

"I dunno, maybe a musical number?" Faith asked.

Back in the grow chamber...

The guys were on the 3rd floor catwalk in front of another poison pod. They all danced synced.

"_We found the last poison pod, now we gotta send it to god!_" They sang.

"_This thing steals our air._" Vincent sang.

"_The player doesn't even care._" Richard said.

"_Our time is running out._" Faith said.

"Okay, I can't do this anymore." Richard said, blasting the pod.

"Oh come on, you said we'd try my idea." Faith said.

"Your idea is bullshit." Richard said.

"Nice job guys. Now head back to the control room and recycle the air. Also, in some of the logs I found, they said some of the crew members started experiencing hallucinations. I just saw my brother on one of the monitors. And that can't be possible." Kendra said.

"Why? He doesn't work here?" Isaac asked.

"No, I killed, I mean, watched him die from tuberculosis." Kendra said.

"He was probably allergic to your perfume." Faith said

"How'd you know!? I mean, ha ha ha. Very funny." Kendra said.

The guys started going back to the atmosphere control room. 3 slashers literally stood in their way. Isaac sliced off all of their legs with a single line gun shot and Richard knocked them over with his force gun's bowling ball energy.

"Lets get some air up in here." Richard said.

"Air is the least of your worries." A voice said.

The gang shrieked like little girls when they saw the guy from _The Dark Eye_.

"I think you've lived long enough Mr Osmond." He said.

"Who are you? A rejected character from Gumby?" Richard asked.

"I am the player character from _The Dark Eye_. I am your worst nightmare." The guy from _The Dark Eye_ said.

"Let me guess, your part of those power ranger fucks?" Richard asked.

"Yes, I am the most powerful of them all." The guy from _The Dark Eye_ said.

"Your made of fucking clay." Richard said.

"Thats what makes me so scary." The guy from the _Dark Eye_ said.

"Hes right about that." Isaac said, hiding behind Richard.

"And now to face the true meaning of fear!" The guy from _The Dark Eye_ said.

"A bottle and a lantern?" Richard asked as the guy pulled out a bottle and a lantern.

"This is a bottle of Paint thinner. A single whiff is enough to drive a man insane." The guy said.

"SO?" Richard asked.

"When I pour it in this lantern, it will drive you all insane." The guy said.

"So?" Richard asked.

"So you'll all scratch your eyes out." The guy said.

"Dude, we're in space suits, you can't touch us. Isn't that right Klonoa?" Richard asked.

"suki suki." A weird cat with long ears, red pants, red collar, and blue hat with a pac man symbol on it said.

"HA! It's working!" The guy said.

"Whats working? AAAHHHHH! I'm on fire!" Vincent yelled.

Isaac suddenly found himself falling down a rainbow colored pit. He passed several Huggle monsters and other weird childish characters before landing in a pool of grape jello.

Faith looked at Isaac and saw a man in a black and blue jacket.

"Hey there Faithy, I raped your sister." He said.

"Jack Knife!" Faith yelled.

Faith tackled the man and started strangling him, who was actually Isaac. Meanwhile, Isaac thought he was drowning his jello. Richard looked at Vincent and saw an old man with gray hair, yellow shirt, brown vest, brown pants, and only one arm.

"Richard, your a retard!" he said.

"Dad?! I thought you died!" Richard said.

"I should have smothered you with a pillow when you were 12." His dad said.

"Why you old-" Richard started before he tackled the old guy and started punching him.

"Ha Ha Ha! Just as I planned. What the?" The guy started.

The guy suddenly saw the gang turn into slashers.

"On no! It's affecting me too!" He panicked.

Richard looked up from his dad and looked at the guy. He saw another old man in a long black coat with a preacher's hat and a red stone.

"I'm here to eat your soul!" He said.

"William Rockwell!" Richard said.

Richard grabbed Faith's Flamethrower off the floor and fired it at the man, who was actually the guy from _The Dark Eye_. The guy thought a slasher was breathing fire at him. His clay body began to melt.

"NOOOO! Why did they have to make _The Dark Eye_ in clay animation!?" He demanded.

He melted into a small puddle and seeped into a grate on the floor. The flamethrower burnt the paint thinner fumes in the air and everyone emerged from their deliriums. Faith saw Isaac, her hands clutched around his neck. She released him and he took a deep breath.

"Why'd you have to drag all those idiots with you?" Vincent asked.

"I didn't know they'd follow me! They said some guy whos game I supposedly ripped off sent them." Richard said.

Isaac got up and pressed some buttons on a nearby console.

"Air recycled. Access to food storage now available." The intercom said.

"All this trouble for a single door." Vincent said.

"I'm damn sure it will be worth it. Theres got to be something to nibble on in the food storage." Richard said.

The guys went through a circular door behind the console. They came into a small corridor where they barely had any room with a small machine with a slot. The door across from them was covered by tentacles.

"Now Isaac, inject the poison." Kendra said.

"No! That'll spoil the food!" Richard said.

"Food thats most likely covered by a monster that looks like an anus?" Vincent asked.

"...Alright, inject it." Richard said.

Isaac inserted the poison capsule into the slot. It emptied and loud painful growling could be heard in the next room. The tentacles sealing the door withered.

"Damn! It's weakened, but it's still alive!" Kendra said.

"So we made this piece of shit toxin for nothing?" Faith asked.

"You'll have to go inside and kill it yourself." Kendra said.

"I have nothing to respond to that." Richard said.

"Let's kick it's ass." Faith said.

Faith ran into the room and was immediately thrown back out.

"He fucking bitch slapped me!" She yelled.

The guys curiously went inside they chamber and saw a giant fleshy wall with a mouth in the center and 3 tentacles with yellow sacs.

"Entering zero-" The intercom started before Richard shot it.

"I hate that bitch." He said.

The guys yelled and fired blindly at the monster, missing it's closed mouth and tentacles. Ripper blades stuck to it's flesh like darts and plasma cutter rounds left burnt marks whereas Richard's force gun didn't even reach it. It slammed one of it's tentacles down hard on the gang. As they tried to get up, it did it again. Faith entered the room after recovering to see them get slammed again.

"Payback time bitch!" Faith yelled.

Faith jumped in the air and kicked an explosive canister at one of it's tentacles, severing it. The creature opened it's mouth and revealed a heart in it's throat.

"There! Shoot there!" Faith yelled.

Before the others could, it spat out a weird flesh covered ball that exploded when it hit the team, sending them flying around like pinballs. Faith kicked another canister at it's mouth and hit it's heart. Faith grabbed Isaac and shook him violently.

"What the hell is wrong with you!?" She demanded.

She grabbed a med kit from his inventory and splashed it on his face. Isaac slowly opened his eyes and screamed when his saw the monster shoot a ball at him. He grabbed it with Kinesis and threw it back in it's mouth. The creature acted like it was choking.

"It's working! He's gonna die!" Faith said, happily.

Then the creature spit it out again, hitting Faith and knocking her out. Isaac saw Richard's and Vincent's unconscious bodies drift into each other and looked like they were dancing. Isaac splashed some med gel on them to revive them. They woke up.

"Hey there. Like fooling around?" Richard asked.

Vincent slapped him as another explosive spit ball shot past. Isaac blasted another tentacle with his contact beam, severing it with one shot. Seeing how effective it was, he did the same with the last tentacle.

Richard gathered a bunch of explosive canisters floating around the room and tied them all together with duct tape. As Isaac tossed spit balls back and forth between himself and the monster, Vincent came over.

"Help us push this shit into it's mouth." She said.

Richard and Vincent grabbed the edges of the leviathan's mouth and held them wide open. Isaac grabbed the canisters with Kinesis and shoved them into the creature's mouth. Then he detonated them with his plasma cutter, where the creature's entire face was blown off.

"Theres only 4 life signs in the food storage bay. I hope thats you guys. I lost Hammond's RIG signal, he must have died." Kendra said.

"We were too late." Isaac said, crying beneath his helmet.

"What? I'm not blocking his signal myself! Stop accusing me! Anyway, I just located an SOS beacon on the mining deck. Head over there and I'll tell you what to do next. And stop blaming me!" Kendra said.

"What a bitch." Vincent said.

"Is Faith over here dead? Can I make love to her?" Richard asked.

"Fuck no!" Faith said, grabbing Richard by the neck.

The guys left the food storage bay and finally took off their space suits.

"Ahhh, I can finally stop sweating around my VJJ region." Vincent said.

"Oohhh, thats sexy." Richard said.

"Shut up and get to the tram." Vincent said.

As the guys started back to the tram, they passed the area where Hammond was and found he wasn't there.

"He must have gotten eaten." Faith said.

Isaac broke out crying.

"Don't be sad, maybe he got turned into a monster." Richard said.

Isaac cried even harder.

"I don't suppose we could grab any bananas, could we?" Richard asked.

"They're probably all stale." Vincent said.

"Motherfucker." Richard said.

Meanwhile, in the cargo hold...

Raz, Milly, Arcano, and Chris were all standing by a simple folding table. Chris was laying on top of it, drinking.

"I'm gonna guard the shit out of this table." Arcano said.

"Raz, I have a feeling we were duped." Milly said.

"Duped? We're Theodore's favorites again! He gave us the task of protecting this super important table!" Raz said.

"I still have a feeling he doesn't trust us." Milly said.

"Your probably just feeling your period." Raz said.

Milly growled and tackled Raz and started punching him. Arcano cheered her on.

Meanwhile, on the Psychological 7's ship...

Thomas was sitting in his recliner, watching Mad Tv reruns. Roger Samms crawled up onto the arm.

"They got the guy." He said.

"Fuck. This is not a good month." Thomas said.

"Let Psycho boy deal with them!" Daniel said.

Thomas tazed Daniel.

"Send Walters after them." Thomas said.

Meanwhile, back on Earth...

A man in a black and red jacket surrounded by a red aura walked down the alleyway of a ghetto. Suddenly, he saw a figure sitting on the ground with their legs coiled up.

"MmMmmm, Another soul to possess." he said.

The man went over to the figure and grabbed it by the shoulder. It's head rolled off onto the ground, revealing to be a grape fruit.

"What the?" The man said.

Suddenly, the marine, cloaked in a green aura, popped out from around the corner and peppered the first man with his Gatling gun. Then Becket rushed him.

"Hey Fettel, remember me?" he asked.

He punched Fettel in the head seven times. Then he and the marine restrained his arms. Gex came up, in his karate Gi, cloaked in a purple Aura.

"Like my feet? Your gonna see a lot of them." He said.

Gex kicked Fettel in the face several times. Then he moved aside, where Rebecca kneeled on the ground and aimed an old camera at him.

"A camera Obscura!? Where did you get that?" Fettel asked.

"I borrowed it from an old school friend." Rebecca said.

Rebecca took a picture of Fettel, who was sucked into the camera and came out on a little picture.

"There, One captured backstabbing ghost." Rebecca said, handing the picture to Becket.

"Now can we get back in our bodies?" Marine asked.

"They're right over here." Rebecca said.

The Marine and Gex slipped back into their real world lifeless bodies.

"I've already arranged for the UAC to take some fuel to your nut job friend's mansion." The Marine said.

"And I gave them the passcodes to the gun storage area." Becket said.

"Lets board the Gex express and fly to the outer rims baby!" Gex said.

"Just remind me not to touch anything in that mansion of yours." Rebecca said.

To be continued...

**You know the drill, review or no more chapters. C****ontinuer à surveiller.**


	7. Fem-tones

Chapter 7: Fem-tone

**Just so you know, I'm going to finish my parody of Haze one of these days. ****When? Who knows.**

The space shuttle Gex kept talking about wasn't actually at his mansion. It was at some weird ghetto area known as Funky town. After the UAC fueled it up, Rebecca and everyone else got on board. She donned a white slim space suit while Gex was dressed up like a storm trooper from _Star Wars_.

They were all strapped in the cockpit. Gex aimlessly pressed buttons and shit.

"Do you even know how to pilot this thing?" Rebecca asked.

"Of course, I piloted one back in _Gex 2_." Gex said.

Gex pressed a button and the back doors opened, and a lunar module fell out and crushed a nearby Church.

"Get the fuck off there." Rebecca said, shoving Gex aside.

"You probably can't fly this thing either." Gex said.

Rebecca strapped in and professionally pulled levers and pressed buttons.

"Launch sequence initiated. Launching in 10, 9, 8, 7-" A voice started.

"So it's talking, it doesn't mean it'll work." Gex said.

"654321, blastoff." The voice said quickly.

Gex was suddenly pressed against the wall as the shuttle launched into the sky. The exhausts scorched the survivors of the crushed Church, so most likely, Gex was going to hell.

"Where the fuck did you learn to pilot a fucking space ship?" Becket asked.

"My husband kept giving me lessons for his space shuttle. He just went on and on and on, never realizing how bored I was." Rebecca said.

Meanwhile, on the USG Ishimura...

"I remember when I used to give Rebecca driving lessons for the space shuttle. She loved them." Richard said.

"Oh for fucks sake, shut up!" Vincent yelled, covering her ears.

The tram docked at the mining bay.

"Then there was the time-" Richard started before Vincent shoved a stasis pack down his mouth.

"Okay Isaac, there should be an SOS beacon somewhere on the lower decks. If you can attach it to the asteroid in the mining bay, then launch it into space, we may be able to reach passing fleets." Kendra said.

"Can't we just fly the ship somewhere closer?" Faith asked.

"And me leave the computer core? No way. Just find the beacon and do what I said." Kendra said.

"mmm hmm nmmm." Richard mumbled.

"What?" Vincent asked, pulling the stasis pack out of his mouth.

"I said mmm hmm nmmm." Richard said.

"Lets just get to the fucking beacon." Vincent said.

The guys nabbed a power node at the waiting area, then they entered a RIG room with a Kiosk and work bench. Richard threw up at the site of them, as he became sick of seeing the same thing over and over again. They got on a massive cargo elevator, in which they could select which level they wanted to go to.

"Take us to the fucking mess hall." Richard asked.

"I'll take us to processing." Isaac said.

"Of food?" Richard asked.

Before they could continue their conversation, a slasher smashed through a vent above them and dove down into the shaft. After it landed on the elevator, Isaac punched it to the side, then Richard shoved it's face against the wall, smearing it's flesh against it. Then he remembered that head shots didn't do any good, so he grabbed it's leg and smeared it's flesh and bone against the wall before throwing it to the floor and stomping on it.

The a bunch more slashers started diving towards the elevator. The guys wildly shot upwards, causing body parts, some on fire, to come raining down. A flaming foot landed on Faith's head and she ran around screaming. The others were too busy reeling in pain as other parts hit them. Faith grabbed a severed torso, ripped out a blood vein, and sprayed blood into her hair to put out the fire.

Upon leaving the elevator, Richard slipped on an audio diary and landed in some guy's intestines.

"I found Liz, but there isn't any space craft in this entire deck, fuck! (bong) OWW Damn it! Jacob, stop dicking around. We have to find the beacon. Whats it look like? It's like a yellow cylinder. Oh crap. What? I think I just kicked it across this small gap and into that storage room." It said.

"I was done here once, follow me." Vincent said.

The guys followed Vincent through a long twisted hallway that never seemed to end.

"That odd, I don't remember there being another cargo elevator here." Vincent said.

"I think thats the one we were just on." Isaac said.

"No, it's probably just another elevator that I've never seen before." Vincent said.

"Sure looks the same to me." Richard said before he vomited.

"How can you vomit if you haven't even eaten anything?" Faith asked.

"Bile." Richard said.

The guys followed Vincent down the hallway again and came to another cargo elevator and pile of puke.

"That does it, we've been walking in circles." Richard said.

"No we aren't, there are just more elevators than I thought." Vincent said.

"And what about that puke?" Faith asked.

"Maybe one of the monsters ate some rotten vertebrae." Vincent said.

"My locator says to go this way." Isaac said.

"Who are you gonna trust? A piece of junk or an experienced security guard?" Vincent asked.

The guys looked at her for a second then turned around and followed Isaac's locator. A slasher burst from a vent. Isaac sliced off it's legs, Faith set it on fire, then Richard blasted it down the hall.

"Triple poned bitch." Richard said, high fiving the others.

Then a pregnant, along with 2 slashers, came running down the hall. Vincent took the front and charged them with her ripper. She just stood in the hall, holding her ripper in front of her as the monsters blindly ran into the blade and got torn up.

"I'll take mine extra thin." She said.

"You have meat?" Richard asked.

Meanwhile, on the crew quarters...

The other group of survivors had shoved every piece of furniture and appliances they weren't interested in against the doorway. Gordon and Noble 6 found a Zathura game under one of the bunks and were playing it. Dante was trying on some other women's clothing, like a sun hat.

"Asteroid shower, take evasive action."Gordon said, reading a game card.

A bunch of miniature asteroids started shooting through the ceiling, both 6 and Gordon were unfazed by it, as all sorts of crappy shit happened when they played the game.

"Your move." Gordon said.

6 pressed a button and his red space ship moved a few spaces forward. A little card came out of the slot.

"Rescue scientist outside door." 6 said.

"Hello? May I come in?" A kind voice said from behind the barricade.

"Your not real." 6 said.

"Actually, I am. My name is Dr Kyne. I work on this ship." Kyne said.

"ShiP? We're on a ship?" Gordon asked.

"Yes, the USG Ishimura." Kyne said.

"Like an ocean liner or an experimental test bed?" Gordon asked.

"No, a space mining frigate." Kyne said.

"Holy shit! We're in space!?" Gordon asked.

"Yes, did you just awaken from Cryogenic stasis?" Kyne asked.

"Enough of your devilish deeds! Begone!" Dante said.

"Stow it, Shakespeare. Listen, are there any methods of escaping this rust bucket?" 6 asked.

"So far no, some jack ass ejected the escape pods." Kyne said.

"That sucks." Gordon said.

"Go back to the hell from which ye came!" Dante yelled.

"Shut up I said. You wanna hole up with us?" 6 asked.

"Don't offer him that, it will become too cluttered if we allow anyone else inside." Gordon said.

"This room is the size of a yacht, I'm sure we can manage." 6 said.

"Alright, Dante, help me move the barricade." Gordon said.

"AHHHH! I will not break the chain of Judeccas! Dante yelled, hiding under a bunk.

"What a fagg." Gordon said.

Back on the mining Deck...

A slasher without any limbs hit the floor hard. Then Richard crouched up and down on his face.

"What are you doing?" Vincent asked.

"Teabag. People do it all the time in _Halo_." Richard said.

Isaac found another Audio log.

"Dr. Kyne? What are you-? Stay the fuck back or I'll drive this screwdriver into his eye! Why aren't you wearing any pants? I was making love to my wife a minute ago, but thats not important. Give me the fucking codes to the cargo bay! Dude, I'm just a fucking Janitor for the mining bay when it gets dusty, why would I have the codes to the cargo bay!? Don't you lie to me you Cockroach! I'm sick of all you Muslims lying to me! I have to get to the Marker! I. Don't. Have. The. Codes. Is this what you did to the captain? Stabbed him in the eye while pants-less? Oh fuck you. (Scream) Jesus! (Scream accompanied by loud gushing noises) I'm sure you won't need your pants anymore." It said.

A large hole in the wall lead into a large Zero gravity chamber with a large laser and asteroids floating around.

"Someone got a little crazy with the gravity beam last month. Thats why this hole is here." Vincent said.

"Oh, I was just about to ask about that." Richard said.

"Kendra? Is the beacon in here?" Isaac asked.

"What? Oh, no, the beacon is somewhere else." Kendra said.

"Then why the hell did we come down here!?" Richard demanded.

"I think theres a key to the asteroid launch room somewhere down there." Kendra said.

"You think?" Faith asked.

"Can we talk later? I'm eating." Kendra said.

"Eating what? Diet pills?" Vincent asked.

"How'd you know?" Kendra asked.

"I can read your mind." Vincent said sarcastically.

"You can!? You know about my true agenda about not really being a computer specialist and I'm actually planning on backstabbing Isaac and blocking Hammond's RIG signal!?" Kendra asked nervously.

"No." Vincent said.

"Oh, wow. Look at me getting all excited. Let me know when you find the key." Kendra said.

"Rogue asteroids detected. Area locked down for safety." A voice said.

"Motherfucker." Richard said.

"Also, that stuff I said was a joke, don't take it seriously." Kendra said.

"Alright, we get it." Vincent said.

"I mean, I don't want you guys to think I'm the bad guy with their own fan-site." Kendra said.

Then Vincent cut their comm link.

"So what do we do now?" Faith asked.

"Just toss the asteroids into the gravity beam." Vincent said.

"Thats way better than my idea, I was gonna blow up the doors." Isaac said.

"Actually that seems like a more-" Richard started before Isaac jumped onto the wall.

Isaac tried to grab an asteroid with kinesis, but it couldn't reach it. So, he jumped to the ceiling and grabbed it. Then he tossed it into the gravity beam, where it disintegrated.

A leaper suddenly appeared on the left wall. Richard pulled out the Pulse Rifle he stole from Hammond and started spraying the room with it. He naturally missed every shot. The leaper jumped at Isaac, who was still on the ceiling and went into the gravity beam, where is was disintegrated, most likely because it was unhappy with it's life.

"Oooh! Whats that!?" Isaac wondered.

Isaac jumped back down to the ground floor and found a power node door. He was out of power nodes, so he went to the control panel behind him and smashed it with his plasma cutter. The others didn't have the slightest idea what he was doing.

He pulled a bunch of wires and circuits out and set them on the ground. He sat down and started putting shit together. In the end, he made a blue artificial power node. He slid it into the door and it opened. Just as he went in, the power node died and the door slammed shut on his groin. He pushed it back open and broke it. Inside, he found some ammo and a ruby semi conductor.

Richard was getting bored, so he jumped at one of the asteroids in an attempt to knock it into the gravity beam. Unfortunately, he just slammed his face into the asteroid and it didn't even move. He was shoved back down and collided into Isaac as he left the maintenance room. Richard's face was facing Isaac's groin.

"Ewww, I'm not homo Richard. I tried that back in college and it ended horribly." Isaac said.

Richard scurried to his feet. Isaac grabbed another asteroid and mistakenly misfired it.

"Oops." He said.

The asteroid hit Vincent and embedded her in the wall.

"What he fuck was that!?" She demanded.

"It was an asteroid." Isaac said.

"I know that, I mean why did it hit me!?" She demanded again.

"Because it's an asteroid." Isaac said.

"Will you stop being a dumbass and get me out of this wall!?" Vincent demanded.

"I don't like your tone young lady. Say please." Isaac said.

"Motherfucking please." She said.

"Thats better." Isaac said.

Isaac pulled out his line gun and fired horizontally above Vincent and below her.

"Wait, what are you doing!?" She demanded, again.

Then he held the line gun on it's side like a gangster and fired left and right of her. The wall Vincent was in came loose and flopped out on her side on the floor.

"Your welcome." Isaac said.

Isaac threw the asteroid that hit Vincent into the gravity beam. Faith was reading a magazine whilst leaning against a wall. Some more leapers came in. Vincent was unable to do anything because she was under a fucking wall. Richard's Force gun couldn't reach them, and Faith, she was just useless. Isaac blew the shit out of them with his Contact beam, after missing 7 times, saying stuff like "Damn" and "Floasher".

Anyway, after tossing all the dumb asteroids into the gravity beam, Isaac went back to the console he butchered and was about to raise the gravity platforms, but then he remembered that he butchered it.

"Can I borrow this?" He asked Richard, tearing off his shoulder flashlight.

"No!" Richard yelled.

Isaac took the flashlight, dissected it, and put a bunch of it's parts in the control console. It lit up again and he pressed a button. Several platforms raised up, connecting one platform to the other.

"Why the fuck do we need these? Couldn't we just Zero jump to the other side?" Richard asked.

Then some Exploders popped out of nowhere and walked over the wall Vincent was under.

"Hey! Watch it asshole!" She yelled.

One exploder hit it's explody arm on an Unaware Faith and sent her flying across the room, heading directly towards the gravity beam.

"Oh no!" Isaac yelled.

Thinking fast, Isaac grabbed Faith with Kinesis and then slammed her down on the other exploders, killing them. Faith stumbled out of the smoke, covered in goo.

"You expect me to be grateful for that!?" She demanded.

"No need to thank me." Isaac said.

Faith started strangling Isaac. Richard managed to separate them and gave Isaac CPR, which was hard as shit since he was wearing a helmet. They followed the raised platforms to a door.

"Hey! Is anyone still out there!?" Vincent yelled from under her wall.

The room they entered didn't have much in it, there was a power node and a dead body with a key card clutched in it's fist. Richard grabbed it and found that the body was holding tightly onto it. Attempts to pull it away and crushing the fist failed.

"Can I borrow that cutter thing?" Richard asked.

"Take real good care of her." Isaac said, handing him his Plasma cutter.

Richard used the plasma cutter to shoot the fist off the rest of the body and picked it up.

"There, problem solved." He said.

The guys went back out and started heading back to the elevator.

"Where the hell is Vincent?" Richard asked.

"I'm under here you jackass!" Vincent yelled.

The guys hoisted up the wall on it's side and started pushing it back to the elevator. As they started pushing it through an open door, it suddenly slammed shut, hitting Vincent in the head. The guys managed to break it's opening system and got her back on the elevator.

"Can you jackasses get me out of here?" Vincent asked.

"With what? A giant crowbar!?" Richard asked.

"Yes!" Vincent yelled.

Isaac started the elevator and Vincent landed on her face again, and shattered the bones in Richard's foot. They rode it down to the maintenance level. Faith stepped off the elevator and was tackled by an Infector.

"Get this dick monster off me!" She yelled, as it touched her cheek with it's tube tounge.

"I dunno. The author was thinking about letting you die." Richard said.

"What!? But I'm wise cracking like you!" Faith yelled.

"True, but your kind of an unlikable character." Richard said.

"I am not!" Faith said.

"Your way too tomboyish." Richard said.

"So is she!" Faith yelled, pointing at Vincent.

"Shes a security chief. Shes supposed to be that way." Richard said.

"What the hell does that mean!?" Vincent asked.

"Thats my line." Richard said.

"When I catch that backstabbing Author, I'm gonna take his diaper and smother him with it!" Faith yelled.

"Or you could be less bitchy." Richard said.

"I am not bitchy!" Faith yelled.

"Are too." Richard said.

"Are not!"

"Are too."

"Are not!"

"Are too."

"ARE NOT!"

"See?" Richard asked.

"Fine, I'll try to be less tomboyish." Faith said.

"Thats all we're asking." Richard said.

Then Richard blasted the infector away with his force gun.

"It's about damn time." Faith said.

"Uh-uh-uh." Richard said, shaking his finger.

"Oh, right. Tee hee hee! Thank you, you big strong man." Faith said.

The team proceeded down the corridor and Faith screamed when they came to a ring of human arms. A slasher with only one arm crawled towards them. Isaac blew it off.

"Tee hee hee!" Faith said.

Isaac found an audio log in the center of the ring.

"Engineer Dallas reporting. This is my last report, thank god. I've seen these weird bat things change people into those weird naked monsters. Theres no way I'm gonna end up like that. I'm gonna cut my limbs off. Tell my wife Dawn and my kids that I hate them and I've been banging the security chief. Okay, here it goes. (Gun shot) Ouch! Jesus that hurts way more than I thought it would! (Gun shot) There goes my dreams of becoming a ballerina dancer and wearing tight leotards with a tutu. One more. (Gun shot)." It said.

"Tee hee hee." Faith said.

"Okay, you cut that back a little." Richard said.

Suddenly, Jack Walters jumped out from around a corner and Faith screamed.

"Cut that out!" Richard hissed.

"Your a dead man Mr. Osmond." Walters said.

"Who are you? The psychological 7's shoe shiner?" Richard said.

"Fuck off! I'm from _Call of Cthulhu Dark Corners of the Earth_." Walters said, pulling out a weird tesla gun. "This Yithian lightning gun will make short work of you."

"What the hell does Yithian mean?" Richard asked.

"It means OH MY gOD!" Walters yelled.

"Why would they call a gun that?" Richard asked.

"Not that! What the hell made all this!?" Walter asked, pointing at the ring of human arms.

"I dunno, that crazy Mercer guy." Richard said.

"It's so upsetting!" Walters said.

"So? We see shit like that all the time. We've seen hundreds of corpses already." Richard said.

Walters bent over and threw up.

"Ewww!" Faith said.

"Whats the matter? Can't stand the sight of corpses?" Richard asked.

"What? Of course not!" Walters said.

"Then why did you puke?" Richard asked.

"I ate some bad chinese food earlier." Walter said, not taking his eyes off the arms.

"Yeah right." Richard said.

"It's true! Isn't that right Brian?" Walters asked.

"Brian? Who the fuck is he?" Vincent asked.

"My partner. Don't you see him?" Walters asked.

"Your a fruit loop man." Richard said.

"I am not! Everyone keeps saying I have schizophrenia, but they're wrong! I don't have schizophrenia!" Walters said.

"Your a fruit loop." Richard said.

"Stop calling me that!" Walters yelled.

"Fruit loop, fruit loop, fruit loop, fruit loop, fruit loop, fruit loop, fruit loop, fruit loop." Richard taunted.

"Stop it!" Walters yelled.

Walters glanced at the fingers again and his vision became blurry. He accidentally pulled the trigger of his Yithian Lightning gun and almost hit Faith.

"HEY! Watch it you brute!" Faith said.

"Sorry, next time, I'll incinerate yoU!" Walters yelled.

Walters fired several shots from the lightning gun, all of them missed.

"Damn it! Those body parts keep distracting me!" Walters yelled.

"So call Johnny Cockran or something, don't go whining to us." Richard said.

"I can't take this anymore!" Walters yelled.

Walters pressed the end of his lightning gun against his head and pulled the trigger. The blood from the explosion of his head coated the team.

"Oh no! My white pants have blood all over them!" Faith said.

"Here, this should make up for it." Richard said, handing her Walter's Yithian Lightning gun.

"But it's not my color." Faith said.

The gang went into a big area called "Equipment maintenance". There was a long deep trench with platforms on the side that the team couldn't reach.

"Alright, how is this used for equipment maintenance?" Richard asked.

"Maybe they toss the faulty equipment down the trench." Faith said.

"Good, then I can rid rid of this useless thing." Richard said, throwing Hammond's pulse rifle in the trench. "It's out of ammo and it doesn't do shit even when loaded."

"Hammond got that Pulse rifle from his father. It's worth over 100000 credits." Isaac said.

Richard stared at Isaac for a second before jumping head first down into the trench, screaming before a loud crash was heard.

"Holy shit!" Isaac yelled.

"Are you alright, Richie?" Faith asked.

"Yeah, I landed on a massive pile of cigarette butts. That thing has to be around here somewhere. You go on, I'll catch up." Richard said.

"But how, we can't jump to those other platforms." Vincent said.

"Theres a gondola over there." Isaac said.

"Yes, but the auto return function broke, it's stuck." Vincent said.

"Can I use kinesis to pull it over?" Isaac asked.

"I guess, doesn't fix the auto return though." Vincent said.

Isaac was able to grab the gondola and pull it over to their platform. After ripping Vincent out of the wall with his kinesis module, The gang boarded it and pressed a button. It slowly began to move across the trench.

"I'm still trying to find that damn pulse rifle. Theres so much garbage down here." Richard yelled up.

"How about a game to pass the time?" Faith asked.

"Like what?" Vincent asked.

"How about I Spy?" Faith asked.

"What do you spy?" Isaac asked.

"I spy with my little eye, something with a tentacle." Faith said.

"A tentacle?" Vincent asked before a weird projectile shot past her head. "Fuck!"

On the walkways the team couldn't reach were those weird little pods the guardian's spit out. Vincent neutered one with her ripper. Isaac disintegrated another with his contact beam.

"Overkill." Isaac said.

Suddenly they were attacked from the opposite side of the walkway. They cut and disintegrated the pods over there as well. Then a lurker jumped down from the ceiling and was also blown apart by Isaac's contact beam. As the gondola continued to move slowly across the trench, Isaac noticed some ammo laying on the platforms.

"I could use some more ammo to put in Richard's backpack and have him accidentally sell them." Isaac said.

Unfortunately, Isaac's kinesis couldn't reach the ammo. He threw out it's beam over and over and over again to no avail. Suddenly, the gondola stopped right before it reached the other side. As emergency lights flashed, a female scientist with blonde hair walked out onto the platform on the right.

"NICOLE!" Isaac yelled happily.

"Isaac? Is that really you!?" Nicole asked.

"In the flesh baby. Let me come over there and give you a monster hug." Isaac said, climbing on the railing.

"I don't think you should do that honey. This platforms a long way away." Nicole said.

"Shes right Isaac, you'll never make it." Vincent said.

"Have we met before?" Nicole asked.

"You do look familiar." Vincent said.

"Nothing gonna keep me separated from my snookums." Isaac said before he slipped and dangled from the side with Vincent and Faith hanging onto his foot.

"Oh my! Isaac, are you okay?" Nicole asked.

"I'm fine honey." Isaac said.

Isaac dropped his contact beam and it fell into the trench.

"Ow! Motherfucker!" Richard yelled.

"Those aren't your new girlfriends are they?" Nicole asked.

"What? No, I think they're ugly and have bad personalities." Isaac said.

"UGLY!?" Faith yelled.

"Well your personality is nice, but you still look tomboyish." Isaac said.

"Good, you can find me some new clothes when you hit the ground." Faith said.

"Vincent! Help me!" Isaac yelled.

"Actually, I kinda agree with her." Vincent said.

"You pull my boyfriend up right now or I'll incinerate you both!" Nicole yelled, with glowing eyes.

The horrifying sight caused Faith and Vincent to pull Isaac up hastily.

"Thanks pumpkin." Isaac said.

"Good, meet in the other room, I think I can help you." Nicole said.

Nicole went behind a wall and the gondola finally docked to the other side.

"Ain't she a gem?" Isaac asked.

The guys went into the next room. Nicole was standing on another platform higher than theirs that was separated by a small chasm.

"The beacon you need is in that room, but it's locked. I think I can open it from here." Nicole said.

"Thats my sugar plum." Isaac said.

Nicole got on a nearby computer console and started typing. Suddenly a slasher broke through a ceiling vent on her platform. Nicole screamed and cowered. Isaac's visor flashed red and sliced the necromorph's arms off with his line gun.

"Thanks Isaac, keep me covered." Nicole said.

"No problem babe." Isaac said.

Suddenly, a necromorph climbed out of the chasm onto the team's platform. Vincent ripped it apart. Then 3 more appeared.

"Isaac help me! Have to reload!" Vincent said.

"I can't, I have to protect Nicole." Isaac said.

"Theres no one attacking Nicole!" Vincent yelled, holding a slasher back.

"I have to be prepared." Isaac said.

"Faith! Can you fucking help me!?" Vincent asked.

"A lady doesn't fight." Faith said.

"Yeah? What about Princess Zelda from _The Wand of Gamelon_?" Vincent said.

"That wasn't a canonical game." Faith said.

Just then, a slasher ripped Faith's white pantleg.

"These were limited edition! On second thought, maybe that was a canonical game." Faith said.

Faith whipped out her flamethrower and launched a fire ball in the middle of the mess, setting all the slashers on fire and their limbs fell off. Every time a necro popped up on Nicole's platform, Isaac instantly killed it. Just as another slasher was climbing over the railing on Isaac's platform, it was blown t bits by a contact beam blast. Richard climbed over the railing and joined them.

"Jesus, it was fucking dark down there, but I got it. I find this little bad boy too." Richard said, holding Isaac's contact beam.

"There, the doors unlocked." Nicole said.

"Whos that hot ass?" Richard asked.

"Stay the fuck away from her." Isaac said in a demonic voice with red visor.

"Theres no way I can get to you." Nicole said.

"Can't you just jump?" Vincent asked.

"No, I have arthritis." Nicole said.

"How are people from up there supposed to get down here?" Richard asked.

"...I know you'll find a way to make us whole Isaac." Nicole said.

Nicole went around a corner and vanished.

"I will make us whole darling! Even if I must slay every creature on this ship!" Isaac said.

"Tee hee hee." Faith said, then Richard slapped her for it.

The others followed Isaac into the storage room, where he grabbed the Beacon and a schematic for a level 4 RIG.

"Okay, we got it." Isaac said.

"Now what? Is that what we came all the way over here for?" Richard asked.

"Yep." Isaac said.

"So now we have to go all the way back?!" Richard asked.

"Yep." Isaac said.

"Alright, I've done lots of stuff like that before." Richard said.

The guys got back on the gondola and it started moving back across the chasm.

"Wanna play another game?" Faith asked.

"No." Vincent and Richard said simultaneously.

"How about a song?" Faith asked.

"No." They said again.

"How about the song that never ends?" Faith asked.

"NO!" They yelled.

"Well those adorable little creatures on the platforms do. They're waving their arms up in the air." Faith said.

The creatures she was talking about were Lurkers. They started shooting projectiles at the gondola, which caused the team to respond with extreme prejudice, namely, blowing off they're multiple dicks.

"Why are you harming those adorable woodland creatures?" Faith demanded.

"Because they're not cute! They're trying to fucking kill us!" Vincent yelled.

"Nonsense, they're merely showing their appreciation by showering us with flowers. Over here!" Faith said, waving her arms and then got hit in the face. "No, they've turned against me! They must be dealt with!"

"Thats no problem." Isaac said.

Isaac blew them up with his now recovered contact beam and their pieces flew everywhere. Faith caught one as if it were a bouquet.

"Thank you my lovely prince!" She said.

"Don't get the wrong idea, my only love is Nicole." Isaac said.

"Theres a massive line at the other end waiting to use this thing." Richard said.

Sure enough, around 6 slashers were cluttered at the edge of the docking platform. Faith hid behind Richard as Isaac shot a Line gun mine in the center of the slashers and, you guessed it, pieces went flying everywhere.

"Taioh!" Isaac yelled.

They didn't do anything else funny until they took the big elevator down to the mining deck.

"Why are there so many floors here?" Richard asked. "Ugh, smells like a leaky gas station."

The team found themselves wandering around these corridors filled with a tan gas in the air. Seeing that Vincent's "experience" on the ship wasn't quite what she said, they used Isaac's locator to find their way to a medium sized room with a save point, a kiosk, and an elevator with a power cell.

"Good, I need some more pulse rounds." Richard said.

"No time, lets get to the control room and launch the asteroid." Isaac said.

"Don't we have to-" Vincent started before Isaac rushed onto the elevator and took it up without them.

Inside the control room, he rushed over to the control panel and pressed the button. It flashed red and said "Tethers still online".

"What? Well turn them off!" Isaac yelled.

"Tether controls offline." The console said.

"What the fuck!? Thats bullshit!" Isaac yelled, kicking the console.

Isaac took the elevator back down to where his friends were waiting.

"Well, we have to disable the gravity tethers ourselves. The controls aren't responding." Isaac said.

"You also forgot about the beacon." Vincent said.

"No I didn't it's right here." Isaac said, holding the beacon.

"Your not the sharpest knife in the drawer are you?" Vincent asked.

"I'm not a knife at all." Isaac said.

"She means your stupid." Richard said.

"I'm not stupid." Isaac said.

"Whatever." Richard said.

"No seriously, I'm not stupid." Isaac said.

"We get it! Move on with the story." Vincent said.

"No! Don't move the story on! I am not stupid!" Isaac yelled.

"GET ON WITH IT!" The author (me) yelled.

"Alright, don't have to throw a tantrum." Isaac said.

Before proceeding, Isaac got in the kiosk, closed himself in, laughed maniaclly, and came out with more armor. They followed Isaac's locator back into the gas filled chamber and came into a dark room with an elevator.

"Come on, that asteroid isn't going to break it's own couplings." Isaac said.

Isaac stood on the elevator and couldn't find the holographic control panel.

"Dang it, I'm gonna need another one of Richard's flashlights." Isaac said.

"Theres no power cell to power it." Vincent pointed out.

"This elevator isn't getting a certificate of authenticity." Richard said, ripping down the certificate that was already placed on it.

"What does a power cell look like?" Faith asked.

"Are you retarded? We just saw one in the last room, a box with a lightning bolt on it." Vincent said.

"I thought that was a magic stone tablet." Faith said.

"When we said be less tomboyish, we didn't mean be like a Disney princess." Vincent said.

"I hate backtracking." Isaac said.

"Well get used to it. I backtrack 500 times more than you, you whiny prick." Richard said.

Isaac growled and went back to the previous room, pulled the power cell out of the socket with kinesis, dragged it all the way back and inserted it into a slot next to the elevator. They got on board and rode it up, though Richard refused to give it a certificate of authenticity.

The team came up in a long room with storage lockers and hallway stuff. Isaac found a text log on a bench.

"Our latest rock crack went smooth this day, Despite the fact that the colony is quarantined and most likely turned into monsters. Normally, most of the rock is garbage or a bunch of fossil shit the theocrats don't want us touching. But today, we got something good. No fossils, or garbage, just pure material. I think we just hit the motherlode." It said.

After picking up another gold semi-conductor, the guys went into the actual mining bay. There was a massive asteroid floating in front of the massive hatch, held by a clamp and several beam tethers. Isaac aimed at the tether next to him and fired his plasma cutter at it's side, plinking off the cover as it moved in front of the power cell every time.

"I don't think thats gonna work." Vincent said.

"Bullshit." Isaac said, still shooting.

"Why don't you use that weird blue stuff on it to slow it down?" Richard asked.

"I know! I'll use my stasis module!" Isaac said.

Isaac stasis'd the thing and shot it's power core, disabling it's tether. Suddenly some leapers jumped out of nowhere! As one of them jumped towards Richard, he blasted it back with his force gun. They got killed as usual and Isaac jumped onto the ceiling and disabled the other 2 interior tethers.

Faith jumped into the air and twirled around like a ballerina in space. She grabbed a dead body and danced with it as if it was alive, despite the fact it had no head. Then she fell out of the air as she was tackled by another leaper. The team decided to let her mess about with it as they jumped onto the asteroid.

"Alrighty, I'll just plant this here-" Isaac started before he was shoved back by a large rotating clamp.

He almost drifted out into space if Vincent didn't intercept him. They all landed outside of the bay, where 2 more tethers were.

"Put me down at once! Nicole can't see me like this!" Isaac said.

Vincent dropped him on the ground.

"Why disable the machine? Let's just cut the tether." Richard said.

Richard went underneath the beam tether cable and swung his laser pick through it several time.

"Damn, that material is tough." He said.

"Damn it, I'm out of stasis. I'll have to go back to the recharge station." Isaac said.

"We can't do that! It'll draw the story out longer! And we're already over 19 pages!" Vincent said.

"Then how do I destroy this tether!?" Isaac demanded.

"Not to worry, I'll take care of it." Richard said, still swinging his pick.

"I don't know, maybe jam a wrench in it?" Vincent asked.

"Nah, thats too obvious, lets try something more original." Isaac said.

Suddenly, Faith joined them outside of the bay, riding the leaper.

"I have tamed this wondrous creature and named him Silvarus." Faith said.

"Uhhh, thats nice to hear." Vincent said.

"Say, can you jam him into the tether generator so it'll overload?" Isaac asked.

"Absolutely not!" Faith said.

"Why don't we just blow them up completely?" Vincent asked.

"I'm an engineer, not a demolition expert." Isaac said.

"What if we build an EMP device and disable them?" Vincent asked.

"Too much work." Isaac said.

"Call Kendra and get her to fix the shutdown controls?" Vincent asked.

"Tried it, her line is busy." Isaac said.

Meanwhile, at the computer core...

Kendra was down to her skimpy underwear and was watching a Zumba video while working out with it.

"Yeah, feel the burn!" She said before vomiting.

Back outside the mining deck...

"Let's chant a magical spell together. That will disable it." Faith said.

"Could you be anymore Disney?" Richard asked.

"Oh wait, I just discovered I had a stasis pack. We did all the talking for nothing." Isaac said.

Vincent growled, grabbed Isaac, and threw him into deep space, screaming.

"That would be so nice." Vincent muttered, ending her day dream.

Isaac stasis'd both of the tether generators and cut their power lines.

"Izzy whizzy, let's get busy!" Faith said.

"Too late." Vincent said.

"Hey! I cut it! I knew it would work!" Richard said.

"Now all thats left is to plant the beacon and launch the asteroid." Isaac said.

Isaac jumped on the asteroid and was about to plant the beacon, but then he screamed and jumped back off right before the clamp hit him. He tried this again and again and again until he finally managed to get the stupid beacon planted on it.

"There we go." Isaac said.

"Can we get back inside, I forgot we're in a vacuum." Richard said weakly.

"Really? I didn't notice." Isaac said.

When he finished speaking, everyone else, even Silvarus, jumped back inside. Isaac followed them back to the gas filled room.

"Silvarus is a marvelous creature isn't he?" Faith asked.

Suddenly, Silvarus was incinerated by a huge burst of flame. Faith's jaw dropped and she fell to her knees, crying. The guys dragged her fetal body back to that one big room and Isaac tried to use the elevator. It didn't move.

"Must need oiling." Isaac said.

"Or maybe it needs the power cell you put in the other elevator." Vincent said.

Isaac stared dumbly at the empty power socket for an hour.

"I know! I need that power cell from the other elevator!" He said.

"I said that." Vincent said.

Isaac ran back through the gas filled room and came back, scorched and holding the power cell.

"I forgot about the fire jets." Isaac said.

He reinserted the power cell and they all jammed together on the lift and rode it up to the control room. Once inside, they had a grand view of the asteroid in the mining bay. Isaac pressed a button and it was thrown into space.

"Like a massive spitball, shooting through space..." Richard said.

"Nice job Isaac, the beacon is working. In order to communicate with other vessels, we'll have to get the comms array back online. Head back to the bridge." Kendra said.

"Jesus Christ, why do we have to keep running back and forth between areas!? Can't you get off your fat-ass and do it!?" Richard demanded.

"Okay, first off, my ass has zero body fat in it. Second, I'm not leaving this computer core." Kendra said.

Suddenly, a bunch of necromorphs broke through the vents into the control room.

"Damn it! Can't you see we're trying to have a conversation here!" Richard yelled.

Richard blasted a leaper into the window, splattering it like a fly. Vincent shot an arm off an exploder and used it to blow up a slasher. Isaac pressed the barrel of his contact beam against the floor and fired, sending a circular shockwave across the floor, which didn't hit anything. Faith jumped on a thing in the middle of the floor and spun around whilst firing her flamethrower.

Anyway, after killing a couple baddies, the guys left the room and got back on that massive elevator.

"So, how do you like my new personality?" Faith said.

"We'll leave that to the fans." Richard said.

A slasher jumped onto the elevator and was immediately sliced by Vincent's ripper. And then when they reached the RIG room, they were ambushed by leapers and sounds of gunfire filled the room.

Meanwhile, on the psychological 7's ship...

Thomas banged his head in frustration against the wall. Daniel came up to him

"There is no one left but me! I will kill Richard Osmond!" He said.

"No, you won't." Thomas said.

"But-but, I'm the last one who can still move!" Daniel said.

"No, I am." Thomas said.

"You!? But, your our leader!" Daniel said.

"I know, thats why I'll actually succeed in killing him. Now get back to scrubbing the latrines!" Thomas said.

"I should have never joined this team!" Daniel yelled, running away crying.

"I have to find a replacement for that whiny brat." Thomas said.

Back in the mining deck...

The guys maneuvered around the severed body parts and got back on the tram.

"I hope someone picks us up soon. And I hope it's a McDonald's truck, I'm still starving." Richard said.

"I only eat wonderful delicious apple pies." Faith said.

"Fans, when you review, say if you like Faith's new persona or not. It might change if you don't." Vincent said as the tram started.

"I shall sing us a song to pass the time." Faith said.

Before a single sound came out of her mouth, Vincent shoved the same stasis pack from earlier down her mouth.

Meanwhile, on the bridge...

Theodore was crying infront of his new task force. He was sad because the Psychological 7 were doing so poorly.

"Why doesn't anything ever go according to plan!?" He asked, snot running down his nose.

"Sir, you could just use us." Kenzo said.

"What could you possibly do to kill Richard?" Theodore asked.

"We could shoot him." Matlock said.

"And we aren't using any of that corny psycho shit." Karne said.

"Yes. Yes, thats true! Perfect! I will use you 3 to destroy Osmond! I'm glad I thought of it." Theodore said.

Meanwhile, a light year away...

In order to entertain themselves, Rebecca and her gang were playing Vigilante 8: Second Offense on a Playstation 1 that was in the back of the shuttle.

"HAH! I won again!" Becket yelled.

"No Fair, Dallas 13 is way overbalanced." Rebecca said.

"You were using Obake, his one wheel car sucks." Becket said.

"He does not suck! It's part of his technique!" Rebecca yelled.

"Getting shot in the bumper by 12 rockets in a row?" Becket asked.

"Well, sort of." Rebecca said.

"Can I play now?" The marine asked.

"No! He cheated!" Rebecca yelled.

"I did not!" Becket yelled.

"I saw you input that button combination on your controller." Rebecca said.

"That was a special attack. Cheat codes are entered on the save menu." Becket said.

"Ah HA! So you did use cheat codes!" Rebecca said.

Before this idiotic conversation could go on any longer, the shuttle flipped upside down and everyone fell on the ceiling.

"I knew I shouldn't have let that bug eating retard fly." Rebecca said.

"Does this mean I can play now?" The marine asked.

"Sure, knock yourself out." Rebecca said.

Rebecca went into the cockpit of the space shuttle and smashing and cracking could be heard.

"I'm gonna be Molo." The Marine said.

"He sucks." Becket said.

"We'll see after hes finished farting all over your piss poor car." The Marine said.

To be continued...

**Please review! I will try to continue updating as long as my writer's block stays at a low level.**


	8. Endangered Dishes

Chapter 8: Endangered Dishes

**Again, my writing takes time to complete. So be patient. Also, while your waiting, check out my gallery on Fur Affinity. Just search for Leon XIII. ****You can also find some of my video game concept art on Devient Art.**

The gang once again got off the tram at the bridge.

"Guys! A ship called the USM Valor just received our distress beacon! We can't talk to them until we get the comms back online, so hurry!" Kendra said.

"Wow, that was fast." Richard said.

"The beacon was a deluxe version, guaranteed to reach other vessels or your money back." Isaac said.

Meanwhile, not far from the Ishimura...

Gex was laying unconscious on the floor. His storm trooper armor was badly damaged. Rebecca had the wheel when a strange noise started repeating on the control panel.

"What the hell is that annoying beeping!?" She demanded.

Rebecca picked up the user manual for the space shuttle and started browsing through it. While doing so, she found a subscription thing for hot video game babes weekly. Anyway, she found the section about beeping.

"Beeping indicates a distress beacon or coffee is finished. Coffee?" Rebecca said.

Rebecca checked the built in coffee machine, excited at first. But she found it was empty, so she realized it must be the former.

"I'm gonna kill him when I find him." She muttered.

Back on crew quarters...

Noble 6, Gordon, and Dr. Kyne were now playing Charades. Dante tried on some high heels. It was Gordon's turn, he got on his knees and punched the floor.

"Uhhh, Kratos." Noble 6 said. Gordon shook his head.

"Nero from _Devil May Cry 4_." Kyne said. Gordon shook his head.

"Damn it, what is it?" Noble 6 asked.

"Master Chief entering Armor lock!" Gordon said.

"Damn it! I knew it looked familiar!" Noble 6 said.

"Alright, my turn." Kyne said.

Kyne got up and was about to act like a refrigerator, but then he saw numerous slasher arms sticking through the barricade. His jaw dropped and he pointed at the door.

"Uhhh, Walter from _Silent Hill 4_." Gordon asked.

"The creepy maid from _Haunting Ground_?" Noble 6 asked.

A dark wet spot appeared in Kyne's pants.

"Crack head! Definitely crack head!" Gordon said.

Then the slashers broke through the barricade. Gordon and Noble 6 jumped to their feet and hid behind Kyne. Dante Pulled out his scythe and slashed through one of the slashers.

"Your friend is very peculiar." Kyne said.

"Believe me, if we could ditch him, we would." Noble 6 said.

"Be gone evil demons!" Dante yelled as he killed more slashers.

"Perhaps we should vacate the area." Kyne said.

"Agreed." Gordon said as he, Noble 6, and Kyne ran away while Dante continued fighting.

Back on the bridge...

The guys stopped at a Kiosk to purchase ammo, medical supplies, and stasis packs. Then they went in the atrium.

"I hope we don't see anymore of the psycho guys." Richard said.

"What does Psychological mean anyway?" Isaac asked.

"How stupid did the author make you?" Vincent asked.

"Stupid enough to walk into my trap!" Thomas yelled, jumping down from the ceiling.

"Oh god, these encounters are making me nauseous." Richard said.

"See if this makes you nauseous!" Thomas said, tazing him.

Richard foamed at the mouth and fell over.

"And heres a little something for your girlfriend!" Thomas said, throwing a whiskey bottle at Vincent's head, knocking her out.

"You sir are very disobedient." Faith said.

"Then you'll find this outright mischievous." Thomas said.

Thomas gunned her down with an Uzi.

"And now, you get to see my finest weapon!" Thomas said, pulling something out.

"A Foosball rod?" Isaac asked.

"Yes! A foosball rod!" Thomas yelled, holding an old foosball rod.

Isaac sliced it in half with his plasma cutter.

"Alright then, how about a bowling pin!" Thomas yelled, holding a bowling pin, which Isaac cut too.

"Fear the might of my miniature gumball machine!" Thomas yelled again, and Isaac slicing the top of his gumball machine.

"Uhh, cower to the might of this antler?" Thomas asked as Isaac shot that too.

"My tools are way better than your unconventional weapons." Isaac said.

"Yeah? How about this!" Thomas yelled.

Thomas threw an ordinary brick at Isaac, which hit him in the head and he fell back.

"AAAAHHH! MY head!" He screamed.

"Ah HA! Now you will face the might of this!" Thomas said, pulling out a circular saw on a stick decorated to look like a lollipop.

"Is that a lollipop?" Isaac asked.

"No! It's a saw that I'm going to use to cut off your dick!" Thomas yelled.

"But I like my dick." Isaac said.

"Well I liked my old position at SCU, but I didn't get that either!" Thomas yelled.

"Really? Thats terrible." Isaac said.

"I know, it's all because of that backstabber, SKX." Thomas said, crying.

"Whats that stand for?" Isaac asked.

"Serial Killer X. He framed me and. What am I doing!? I was just about to kill you! Say hi to Malcom Vanhorn for me!" Thomas yelled, raising the saw.

Before the saw hit Isaac's groin, Isaac stasis'd Thomas, turning him blue and moving very slow. Isaac got up carefully and used kinesis to grab the lollipop saw and disintegrated it with his contact beam. Then Isaac used his line gun to cut off Thomas' legs and his plasma cutter to sever his arms. Thomas landed on the floor, without any limbs.

"You bastards! I'm gonna fucking murder you all!" Thomas yelled, wriggling around.

Richard and Vincent recovered as Isaac dumped a bunch of medical gel onto Faith, sealing her wounds.

"I had the strangest dream that I was a Disney princess." She said.

"Well, I guess her personality is back to normal." Vincent said.

"I dunno, I still feel kinda cutesy while being somewhat combat capable at the same time." Faith said.

"Well, that will be more useful." Richard said.

"Your all gonna end up hanging over my fireplace! If I had one." Thomas said.

The gang walked away towards the elevator.

"Hey! Don't you turn your backs on me! Get back here!" Thomas said.

The gang ignored him and got on the elevator. Thomas tried to use his ear mounted comm by rolling on his side, which failed.

"Isaac! I think someone's monitoring our communications!" Kendra said.

"How did you find that out?" Isaac asked.

"Thats not important! Let's just try to not reveal any sensitive information." Kendra said.

The gang got off the elevator and walked around a corner.

"I think I've seen everything that could possibly scare me." Richard said.

Then around the corner, 2 guardians on both sides of a door shoved their tentacles out and caused Richard to scream.

"I'm glad I got some personality back, because I'm ready to kick some ass!" Faith said.

Faith jumped and kicked towards the guardian, who grabbed her leg and threw her against the wall. Then one guardian spat a pod in the air, which Isaac caught with Kinesis and threw it back.

"Why are there 2 of them? One seems like enough." Vincent said.

"Saw their dicks off." Richard said.

"Great idea!" Vincent said, pulling out her ripper.

"Wait! They-" Isaac started.

Vincent charged at the guardian and tripped on a pod, narrowly missing it's decapitating blow.

"-cut your head off if you get too close." Isaac said.

Not wanting this to drag on any longer, Isaac sliced the tentacles off both guardians, killing them.

"That fucking sucked." Richard said.

The gang went through the door the guardian's were guarding and encountered a divider.

"Okay, lets try to formulate a plan so this thing won't beat the shit out of us." Vincent suggested.

"Taioh!" Isaac yelled as he blasted it with his Contact beam.

"Damn it! Now it's in separate pieces." Vincent said.

"Not for long." Faith said.

Faith shot a fireball in the center of the swarm and engulfed them all in fire.

"Okay, I guess that works." Vincent said.

Then they came to a door blocked by boxes.

"Why do they keep doing this?! The things don't use doors!" Richard yelled.

Richard cleared the boxes out of the way with his force gun. And when they went through, they got on a lift, Richard placed a certificate of authenticity, and they came out on a catwalk. Isaac slipped on another fucking audio log.

"Okay, I was told to keep my mouth shut about this being an illegal mining operation, but I was a snitch in my grade school, so this is natural. May day! May day! This is the USG Ishimura and we are being raped by naked monsters with blades on their arms. Does anyone copy? Ahh shit, the comms array is fucked up. That fat theocrat has gone too far." The log said.

"I hated that captain. I'm glad he's dead. I would have raped his dead body if I had the chance." Vincent said.

"Whoa, way too much info." Richard said.

The guys got on a gondola and were almost thrown off by it's blistering speed down the track and were slammed up against the railing when it stopped. They staggered off, with Richard throwing up more bile. They entered the control room overlooking the comms array.

"Okay, some of the dishes are damaged. Just swap them out with some working ones and we should be good to go." Kendra said.

"Shut up." Richard said.

The guys looted the room for everything that wasn't bolted down, which included a schematic for medium air cans. Then they entered the zero gravity area inside the comms array. There was a huge screen on the wall with green and red circles.

"Okay, most of the dishes in the inner circle are good. I just need to replace the damaged one with a-RICHARD! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?" Isaac yelled.

When Isaac finished speaking, he saw Richard smash the functional dishes with his force gun.

"I'm getting rid of the defective dishes." Richard said.

"Those are the functional dishes!" Isaac yelled.

"Well who cares? Theres tons of dishes in this room." Richard said.

"Now it's going to take longer." Isaac said.

"So? Whos in a hurry?" Richard asked.

Then some leapers showed.

"I'm getting sick and tired of you jack-asses constantly interrupting our conversations!" Richard yelled.

Richard blasted a leaper that leaped at him and slammed it into another functional dish, destroying it.

"Careful! We need those!" Isaac yelled.

Vincent swung her ripper at another leaper, who dodged it and she sliced a radar dish instead. Then she did it again, and again, and again.

"Stop! We won't have any radar dishes left if you keep this up!" Isaac yelled.

Faith calmly incinerated enemies with her flamethrower. At first, Isaac was relieved, but then she kicked over another dish in rage. Isaac almost cried. Vincent shot several saw blades into the large TV screen, trying to hit a leaper and caused the screen to burst into static. Richard tore off a dish and used it to block a leaper's attacks, then swatted it away and tossed it like a frisbee, cutting it in half.

By the end of the fight, the entire room was trashed. Isaac stood there silent. The tv screen came loose and started floating around the room.

"Hey Isaac, all the dishes are broken." Richard pointed out.

"I know that! Now I'm going to have to use makeshift equipment to fix the array, thanks to you." Isaac said.

"Hey, we just fought off a bunch of psycho bitches, your welcome." Richard said.

"Richard, do you have a cell phone?" Isaac asked.

"Yeah, but I can't call my wife because I'm well out of operating range." Richard said.

"That doesn't matter, just let me have it." Isaac said.

Richard gave his cell phone to Isaac.

"Okay, now I need jewelry, dental floss, colanders, knitting needles, and a car battery." Isaac said.

"Thats weird, I actually have all that stuff." Richard said.

"Good, let's get started." Isaac said.

Later...

A bunch of colanders with knitting needles sticking out of them were connected by dental floss to a car battery with jewelery and Richard's cell phone. The gang was back up in the control room.

"Okay, let's see if this works." Isaac said.

Isaac pressed a button and a video feed came up of a soldier.

"Attention USG Ishimura, This is the USM Valor. We have received your distress beacon and are proceeding to your location. We have received one of your escape pods. This message with repeat until reply." It said.

"Wait? Isn't that the escape pod that Hammond ejected with the thing inside!? Oh shit! USM Valor! Do not open the escape pod! Do you copy!? I repeat! Do not open the escape pod!" Kendra yelled.

"I don't think they hear you." Vincent said.

"No shit. The signals real weak for some reason. It's like the arrays are colanders with knitting needles in them. I'm gonna open the blast doors to boost the signal. God damn it!" Kendra said.

"What? Are the doors jammed?" Isaac asked.

"No, I spilled my limited edition nail polish all over the dashboard. Also, somethings blocking the doors, I need you to go to an ADS cannon and blast it off." Kendra said.

"But ADS cannons are only for blasting asteroids. It's against regulations to shoot anything else." Isaac said.

"Just do it, we don't have much time." Kendra said.

"Attention USG Ishimura, This is the USM Valor. We have received your distress beacon and are proceeding to your location. We have received one of your escape pods. This message with repeat until reply." The video feed said.

"Shut the fuck up already." Richard said, turning the feed off.

"Does anything ever go right during your jobs?" Vincent asked Isaac.

"Not really." Isaac said.

After the gang left the room, the video feed came back up again. This time, it was of Rebecca.

"How the hell does this thing work? Richard? Are you there!? Where the hell are you!?" She loudly demanded.

The guys got back on the gondola of immense speed, where it zipped them to another platform. Isaac called a small lift.

"At least this path looks safe." Richard said.

The elevator brought a slasher up with it and it stabbed Richard in the leg before he splattered it's limbs everywhere with his force gun. Limping onwards, the gang rode the elevator down and went through a small hallway into another ADS room. Isaac manned the turret.

"Whats blocking the blast doors?" Vincent asked.

"Maybe an asteroid or the remains of my old ship." Isaac said.

The shutters opened, revealing a large faceless crab-like monster with 4 tentacles with orange bulbs sitting on the blast doors.

"Thats not an asteroid." Richard said.

"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" Isaac screamed, blindly firing the cannon, missing, and overheating it.

"Dude, you just fucking screwed up. Oh shit, watch out!" Richard yelled.

One of the tentacles picked up a piece of scrap at threw it towards the gang. Everyone except Isaac dove for cover while Isaac covered his visor with his hands. The area shook and the Hull integrity meter dropped to 91 percent.

"Just shoot the fucking bulbs already!" Vincent yelled, pointing.

"Watch out! He's gonna throw that fuel tank!" Richard yelled, pointing.

"Don't let the cannon overheat again!" Faith yelled.

"WILL EVERYONE JUST BACK OFF!" Isaac yelled.

The others jumped back in fear as Isaac peppered the monster with cannon rounds. He managed to blow up one of it's orange bulbs and severed the tentacle it was attached to.

"Alright! Got one!" Isaac said.

And then the thing threw a fuel tank at the ship, dropping Hull integrity to 62 percent.

"Where is it even getting those things?!" Richard asked.

"From the storage bay." Isaac said.

"Why is there so many gas tanks in the storage bay!?" Richard demanded.

"Because we forgot to put them in the engine bay." Vincent said.

"This ship is stupid." Richard said.

So Isaac took his time destroying the debris thrown at the ship and shooting the crab thing. The others got tired of watching and laid down for a nap. After nearly 2 hours, Isaac finally shot off the last orange bulb and the creature released it's grip and slowly drifted off into space. The blast doors opened and the large TV screen drifted out as well.

"Nice job Isaac. Attention USM Valor, do not open the escape pod, over! Maybe they didn't hear me. ATTENTION USM VALOR! DO NOT OPEN THE ESCAPE POD! DO YOU COPY!?" Kendra yelled.

The loud and hideous screechy voice of Kendra awoke the others.

"What the hell!? Was that a harpy?" Richard asked.

"On no, it's too late..." Kendra said.

"Your nails dried the wrong color?" Vincent asked.

"No, look..." Kendra said.

Kendra brought up a video feed from inside the ship. The soldier who spoke before got his head ripped off by a slasher.

"Did one monster just slaughter the entire crew? Those guys suck." Richard said.

"Whats that?" Kendra asked.

An ordinary space shuttle similar to the one Richard piloted with graffiti all over it came into view. A video feed of Rebecca came up.

"RICHARD!" She yelled.

"AAAAAAHHHH! EVIL HARPY!" Richard yelled.

"Richard, what have you been doing here!?" Rebecca demanded.

"Bec? Where the fuck did you get that ship?" Richard asked.

"Gex let me use it." Rebecca said.

"That little shithead." Richard muttered.

"Hold on, is this your wife who demands sex every day!?" Vincent asked.

"Who the fuck is that! I knew you were just screwing around with whores!" Rebecca yelled.

"No, this is just some stupid bitch I met." Richard said.

"Stupid bitch!?" Vincent said before slapping Richard.

"Honey, we have an outbreak up here." Richard said.

"Of ghosts I suppose?" Rebecca asked.

"No, naked monsters with swords on their arms." Richard said.

"You expect me to believe that?" Rebecca asked.

And then the giant dead crab monster drifted by, causing her to scream.

"Oh no! Whats that!?" Kendra asked.

"It's my wife's space shuttle." Richard said.

"No, I mean that!" Kendra said.

"Who the fuck is that!?" Rebecca asked.

"Oh shit! The Valor's going to crash into us! Isaac! Get out of there!" Kendra yelled.

"What the hell is a Valor?" Rebecca asked.

"Honey! Move the ship!" Richard yelled.

"Why?" She asked.

The USM Valor was heading right for the blast doors. The gang panicked and dove for cover. Rebecca finally noticed the ship and moved it out of the way.

Meanwhile, in the cargo hold...

Raz's team was just doing nothing. Raz was laying on the table, playing with a paddle ball. Arcano was sitting on a chest and was pretending it was a Junk blade bike. Chris was swinging around on a pole and Milly was researching how to make their game suck less.

"I sure hope nothing smashes through the hull and kills us." Raz said.

Like a bad plot device, the Valor smashed through the hull above them. Everyone panicked and were buried beneath massive piles of luggage.

Back at the ADS cannon...

Isaac opened his eyes, he saw a video feed of Nicole playing.

"I just wish there was someone I could talk to. I remember when I first tasted tapioca pudding, it was so wonderful. It was like I was eating the solidified blood of god himself. And then I like to dip cookies in and make oreos with Chips ahoy and then-" She started before Hammond appeared.

"Isaac! I'm alive! Some jive turkey has been blocking my RIG signal!" He said.

"Hammond! This is so wonderful!" Isaac said.

"Listen, this mission is scrapped, fuck the CEC." Hammond said.

"But what about the code?" Isaac asked.

"Isaac, I never took the code very seriously." Hammond said, suddenly, Kendra appeared in a window adjacent to Hammond's.

"Hammond? How did you break my signal blo- I mean, thank god your alive." Kendra said.

"Great, your still alive. Listen, I found a shuttle in the crew quarters deck, but it needs a new singularity core. I think there should be one on the Valor. I think it's jammed into the cargo bay." Hammond said.

Then Rebecca appeared in a window above Hammond's window.

"Richard? You still there?" She asked.

"Hello sexy. Whats your name?" Hammond asked, attempting to be smooth.

"I'm married, jack-ass." Rebecca said.

"Where did you come from anyway?" Kendra asked.

"I flew here." Rebecca said.

"You have a space ship!?" Hammond asked.

"Yeah. How else did I get here?" Rebecca asked.

"Can you take us with you!?" Kendra asked.

"Maybe." Rebecca asked.

"Fuck yes! Screw the shuttle! Meet us in the cargo hold!" Hammond said.

"Alright." Rebecca said.

"Honey? What happened?" Richard asked, getting up.

"I'm gonna pick you guys up in the cargo bay." Rebecca said.

"Good, this scavenger sale is bogus." Richard said.

"Looks like the ADS cannon here won't be shooting anymore asteroids." Isaac said.

"This ship can crash land on _Daikatana_ for all I care." Richard said.

The guys got back on the gondola of godspeed and rode it back to where they entered the stupid area.

"I can't wait to get off this ship. I only signed up for a summer job." Vincent said.

"I just want to get back to Callahan city so I can continue my deliveries." Faith said.

"You should hire Cole Macgrath, he's a veteran courier." Richard said.

After passing by the dead guardians and taking the elevator back up, they encountered a pregnant in the atrium. It roared at them only to have it's limbs all blasted apart by their weapons. Then they proceeded down the corridor with the kiosk and saw a divider.

"Divide this whore!" Richard yelled.

Richard shot a large ball of force energy at it. The divider split into it's individual parts and the blast went right through them. The head jumped on Isaac's shoulder and tried to push his head off.

"Piss off!" He yelled.

Everyone fired blindly around the room, not hitting anything. Isaac pulled the head off his shoulders and threw it into the kiosk's compartment. It sealed and light shone through the crack in it's door.

"Fuck these guys! The exit's right around the corner." Vincent yelled.

"Thats what I'm made for!" Faith yelled.

The team ran and screamed all the way back to the tram. Inside it, Isaac hammered the button.

"Start the engine!" Richard yelled.

"I'm trying!" Isaac said.

One of the divider bits crawled inside.

"AHH! They're in here!" Richard said, blasting his pulse rifle around.

Richard eventually pulled out his force gun and blasted it through the window onto the rail.

"Got it!" Isaac said.

The tram roared to life and crushed the lifeform as it zoomed down the track. Meanwhile, the head of the divider emerged from the Kiosk, wearing a RIG helmet.

Meanwhile, in the comms control room...

Theodore listened to the transmission between Richard and his wife. His new task force was behind him.

"So, my arch-nemesis has a wife eh? This may be the advantage I need." Theodore said.

"Are you gonna have sex with her?" Kenzo asked.

"No! Your going to kidnap her!" Theodore yelled.

"Me?" Kenzo asked.

"Great, we haven't had a break since we first got here." Karne said.

"My hair needs a wash." Matlock said.

"No, I mean all of you! Bring her to me!" Theodore yelled.

"Can I wash my hair first?" Matlock asked.

"NO!" Theodore yelled.

The anger in his voice caused the 3 to run out of the room, knocking over some lockers that landed on Theodore's foot.

"Hopefully that collision with that other ship killed those fools in the cargo bay." Theodore snickered.

Meanwhile, in the cargo bay...

Raz shoved a large sheet of metal off himself.

"Guys? Arcano? Chris? Is Milly dead?" Raz asked.

"No, I'm right here." Milly said from somewhere.

"Ahh damn it. Where are you?" Milly asked.

"In here." Milly said.

"WHERE!?" Raz demanded.

Then Milly stuck her head out from the back part of a toilet.

"Ugh, Thats nasty. It looks nice on you though." Raz said.

Arcano jammed open a locker that he got stuck in during the breach and Chris was laying on a bunk bed.

"Is the table alright? She asked.

"I dunno, it's probably buried underneath all this rubble." Raz said.

"We should dig it out and take it on that ship." Milly said, pointing at the USM Valor, which was sticking through the hull.

"Why?" Arcano asked.

"For safety." Milly said.

"Found it." Raz said, pulling the table out.

"Now, how do we get up there?" Milly asked herself.

"Artificial gravity disabled." The computer voice said.

Everyone and everything floated in the air. Arcano flew around like super man.

"Stop dicking around, we have work to do!" Milly yelled.

"Fine." Arcano sulked.

The team pulled the table into one of the side hatches on the Valor. Inside, Arcano found a strange button.

"I wonder what this does?" He asked himself.

Naturally, he pressed it and an entire side of the Valor exploded and green glowing radioactive orbs popped out and floated around.

"Radioactive materials detected. Lockdown initiated." The voice said.

The other team members glared at him.

"At least that stuffs outside and we're in here." Arcano said.

Meanwhile, on the Psychological 7's ship...

Thomas was laying on his recliners, still limbless. Almost his entire team was incapacitated. Daniel came up.

"Well, your in a pickle." Daniel said.

"Fuck off." Thomas said.

"The rest of the team is incapacitated, except me." Daniel said.

"It'll be a cold day in hell before I send you to deal with him." Thomas said.

"Then who will you send? Fiona Bellini!?" Daniel asked.

"ALRIGHT! YOU CAN GO! JUST MAKE SURE YOU FUCKING KILL HIM!" Thomas yelled.

"Yippee!" Daniel gleed as he jumped up and clicked his heels together before running off.

"I hope that little bastard gets incinerated." Thomas said.

To Be continued...

**Well Rebecca finally reached her husband. Will she rescue him and the others in the next chapter, ending the game there? Or will Theodore get to her first and keep the story running? Which do you think a fan fiction author would prefer?**


	9. Going Commando

Chapter 9: Going Commando

**Just read and review. You don't need anymore information than that.**

Rebecca was looking for the cargo bay, and was unable to find it despite the large words "CARGO BAY" on the side of the ship she passed.

"So then I said 'what the hell man' and he was all like 'screw you bitch'." Rebecca said on her cell phone.

Then someone tapped her on her shoulder. Angry, she turned around and saw a black guy with a puny little pistol pointed at her face.

"I'll have to call you back." Rebecca said, hanging up.

"Your coming with us." Karne said.

"Why?" Rebecca asked.

"Because I've got a pistol aimed at your face." Karne said.

"Why?" Rebecca asked.

"Because Theodore Holmes wants to take you prisoner." Karne said.

"Why?" Rebecca asked.

"Because he wants to use you to draw Richard out!" Karne said, losing patience.

"Why?" Rebecca asked.

"So he can take revenge on Richard!" Karne yelled.

"Why?" Rebecca asked.

"Because Richard stole his game idea." Karne said.

"Why?" Rebecca asked.

"Will you stop asking why!?" Karne demanded.

"Why?" Rebecca asked.

Karne lost his patience and shot Rebecca in the foot. Or tried to, because the bullet didn't even break her skin because it was so puny.

"I hate these fucking Piccolo guns." Karne said.

"BECKET MARINE HELP! THERES THIS WEIRD BLACK GUY IN HERE WITH A GUN THE SIZE OF HIS PENIS!" Rebecca yelled.

"Don't bother, your friends are a little 'tied up' at the moment." Karne said.

Kenzo and Matlock came in with Becket and the marine, who were tied up and had red balls shoved into their mouths.

"Were the balls necessary?" Rebecca asked.

"Shut up. Are the charges set?" Karne asked.

"Yep, they'll blow as soon as I press this button." Kenzo said, holding up a small red button.

"WAIT! I PAID A FORTUNE FOR THIS THING!" Gex yelled, accidentally hitting the button.

"Oh fuck..." Kenzo said.

Fortunately, the charges were only placed on the engine, so it didn't kill everyone. The worst it did was suck out some of the air in the ship.

"You idiots! We're gonna suffocate now!" Rebecca yelled.

"Don't worry, we got a portal." Karne said.

A red portal opened and Theodore's guard dragged the hostages through it, leaving the shuttle to drift around in space.

On the cargo bay deck...

The tram arrived as usual and the guys took a breather in the waiting area.

"Honey? You found the cargo bay yet? Honey?" Richard asked.

"Your wife isn't responding, she must have left." Hammond said.

"That bitch!" Richard cursed.

"No matter, we resume our original objective. The Valor's presence here wasn't a coincidence, it was armed to the teeth for a war! Bzzzzz, Damn it, my RIG's getting block again!" Hammond said before it cut to Kendra.

"Hopefully that will shut you up for good. Oh, I didn't see you there. Get the core and get the hell out of there!" Kendra said.

"I'm tired." Faith said.

"Don't you run all the time?" Vincent asked.

"I have to sit down every now and then." Faith said.

"Okay, lets take a little rest." Richard said.

"It's only for a minute though." Isaac said.

2 hours later...

The gang was asleep. Richard was laying on the floor clutching a Cynder plushie from _The Legend of Spyro_. Vincent was sitting on a chair with a Playgirl magazine over her face. Faith and Isaac were just laying on the floor.

"ISAAC! What the fuck is taking so long!?" Kendra demanded loudly.

Everyone jumped awake and started sluggishly moving towards the cargo bay, bumping into chairs, walls and trash cans. Vincent ran around blindly with the magazine blocking her sight. They eventually reached the cargo bay and fell off the platform and floated around in Zero G. Several green orbs were floating around the Valor, which was jammed into the bay.

"Radioactive materials detected. Lockdown initiated until disposal." A voice said.

"Wait, this isn't a giant jawbreaker!?" Richard demanded, licking one of the balls.

"Can't we just blow our way inside?" Faith asked, floating upside down.

"Don't have anything to blow it with." Vincent said.

"Ooh, a button." Richard said, floating down to the ground and pressing a holographic button.

A door on the floor opened into outer space and the air was sucked out of the room. The team magically donned their space suits. Some lurkers jumped in from the door and one leaped towards Faith. She kicked it into a radioactive ball, which smashed it and melted the Lurker.

Richard kicked one of the giant balls into another lurker, sending both of them flying out the door.

"3 points bitch!" Richard yelled.

"Radioactive material disposed." The voice said.

"Hey, thats a great idea!" Isaac asked.

A leaper started climbing up the railing around the hatch before it was slammed by one of the radioactive balls, sending it outside.

"Pass it here!" Faith yelled.

Vincent lightly kicked another radioactive orb to Faith, who kicked it really hard into a Lurker, sending it flying out the door. It's like the room turned into a Zero G soccer match. A Leaper in a striped shirt blew a whistle and the gang and the enemy team (consisting of 2 lurkers, a leaper, and an infector) all jumped towards the final radioactive ball. A leaper grabbed the ball.

"Hey! No hands!" Richard yelled.

"Penalty for hands on ball!" The leaper in the striped shirt yelled in his native language.

And for that, the 2 lurkers ripped him apart. Richard kicked the ball towards Isaac, but a Leaper intercepted it. Isaac blew it up with his contact beam, since the referee was dead. Faith got the ball and a Lurker fired some projectiles at her. Angry, she shot a fireball at it and it fell apart in the heat.

She kicked the ball to Richard, who was tackled by another Lurker. He pressed his force gun against it's face and pulled the trigger. Pieces went flying everywhere. Richard kicked the ball to Isaac, who aimed towards the hatch that was guarded by the infector.

"Richard! Force gun!" Isaac requested.

"But it's mine." Richard said.

"I'll give it right back." Isaac said.

"Fine." Richard said, tossing his force gun to Isaac.

Using the gun, Isaac punted the radioactive ball at the infector, sending it flying out the door. Richard closed it afterwards.

"All hazardous materials disposed, lockdown lifted." The voice said.

"Goal bitches!" Richard yelled.

To celebrate, the team went inside the valor and dumped a cooler of Gatorade over Isaac. Or they would have, if Richard didn't stumble into a fire and they didn't use it to put the flames out. The inside of the Valor basically went to hell, there were fires, explosions, and malfunctioning gravity panels.

"Whats singularity core look like? The weird TMD thing from _Singularity_?" Richard asked.

"It's a circle." Isaac said.

"Well that narrows it down very well." Richard said.

The guys started to move around the gravity panels when they saw what looked like a Slasher that was having a seizure at the end of the hall. Before they could make any witty remarks, it ran off.

"Awww, I was gonna say 'someone call a medic the screwed up kid is having a seizure'!" Richard said.

The team came to the entrance of a cargo room. Boxes with magnet marks blocked their path.

"This is a massive fire hazard." Richard said.

"I'll get it out of the way." Isaac said.

Isaac blasted one of the crates back with his kinesis module. It hit some red canisters and exploded, it's sign landed in front of Richard, who picked it up.

"Singularity cores. Motherfucker!" Richard yelled, throwing the sign down, landing on his foot and causing him to grab it in pain.

"How was I supposed to know it held spare singularity cores?" Isaac asked.

"Yeah, we have to be fair." Vincent said.

"Like your momma when I fucked her." Richard taunted.

"YOU MOTHERFUCKER!" Vincent yelled, being restrained by Faith.

"Look, lets just find the one singularity core and split." Isaac said.

Meanwhile, on the crew quarters...

Kyne, Noble 6, Gordon, and Dante retreated to the massive bunk block area. They shoved a sofa in front of the door that came through.

"That won't do any good, they'll just come through the vents." Kyne said.

"Then I'll move it here." Noble 6 said, putting it in front of a vent.

"But we need that to breath." Gordon said.

"Then I'll move this in front of it." 6 said, moving a random screen door in front of the vent.

"The monsters will claw through that." Kyne said.

"How about this?" 6 asked, moving a glass pane over it.

"We couldn't breath." Gordon said.

"This?" 6 asked, moving a poster of Leon 13 over the vent.

"Too adorable." Kyne said.

"This?" 6 asked, moving a metal plate in front of the vent.

"Too boring." Gordon said.

"This?!" 6 demanded, moving a holographic screen over the vent.

"That won't even work." Gordon said.

"This?" 6 asked, moving the sofa in front of the vent again.

"Yeah, that'll do." Kyne said.

"Are you shitting me!?" 6 demanded.

Slasher arms stuck through the openings in the vent. 6 started hitting them with a nearby fly swatter.

"Theres a security room near here. We must reach it." Kyne said.

"Which way?" Gordon asked.

"Thata way." Kyne said, pointing.

"Can we rest? These odd shoes hurt my feet." Dante said.

"Uhhh, sure." 6 said.

"At last, we finally come to an agreement. I cannot tell you how relieved I-" Dante started before he realized he was the only one in the room.

Everyone else fled through a nearby door and got on an elevator. Suddenly, the slashers broke through the sofa. Dante pulled out his scythe.

"I will send you horrid demons back to the 9th circle of hell!" Dante yelled.

Back on the USM Valor...

"So what do you think happened to all the soldiers?" Richard asked.

Suddenly, that seizure prone slasher they saw earlier came running out of nowhere and slammed Richard against a crate.

"Does that answer your question?" Vincent asked.

"Your momma answered it for me." Richard said.

Vincent kicked Richard in the ribs as Isaac shot at the Twitcher (Thats what they're called) who dodged every shot. Isaac fired all of his stasis shots at it, which also missed and hit Faith, robbing her of her Greatest asset.

The Twitcher hit Isaac with 15 fast punches, stunning him. It prepared to thrust it's blade into his head.

"No!" Vincent yelled, shooting a ripper blade and cutting off it's blade arm.

"Hey you saved me. That means your coming onto me. But Nicole is my only love." Isaac said.

"Will you stop bitching and fight!?" Vincent demanded.

"I'm gonna kick his ass." Faith said in severe slow motion.

Faith jump kicked towards it in slow motion. It ran over to the lounge, drank a cup of coffee, and came back and she still didn't reach him. He grabbed her leg with his other arm and swung her into the wall like the last several times. Richard grabbed hold of one of it's legs.

"HA! You can't move now!" He taunted.

The twitcher zoomed across the room, dragging Richard with it. Isaac shot at it and hit Richard.

"Hit him! Not me you frefhezoid!" Richard yelled.

"What?" Isaac asked, confused.

Vincent just picked up the twitcher's blade arm and held it out horizontally. The twitch ran right through it and lost it's head, but still ran. Then she held the blade lower and it sliced through the twitcher's legs and taking off a few strands of Richard's hair. It finally fell to the ground, wriggling around and Vincent stabbed the blade through it's chest.

"Hopefully that was just a sub-boss and there aren't many more of them." Vincent said.

Sadly, 2 more twitchers came running towards the group. Isaac fortunately cut off their legs with his line guns, robbing them of the greatest asset and Vincent and Richard stomped them to death.

"How many soldiers did they have stationed here exactly?" Richard asked.

"Probably 100." Vincent said.

"We're gonna need more ammo." Richard said.

"No worries. I've got plenty of credits." Isaac said.

Isaac reached in his pockets and pulled out nothing, and a moth flew out.

"Hmm, those power nodes were more expensive than I thought." Isaac said.

"I'm sure theres a bunch of ammo just left lieing a bout by some careless soldier. This is a military ship after all." Vincent said.

"Isaac, some of the soldiers on this ship were equipped with stasis modules. When they were infected, the modules somehow merged with them, causing them to move really fast." Kendra said.

"Fuck off retard. Too late." Richard said.

"Theres no need for that attitude. We're all on the same team." Kendra said.

"Actually no, I work for the Ishimura and these other 2 are civilians I guess." Vincent said.

"What happened to 'banding together to battle a common foe'?" Kendra asked.

"We're just rolling along." Faith said, after the stasis wore off.

"Whatever, just find the core." Kendra said

"We can't go any further, theres a box in the way." Richard said.

"Thats what I'm for." Isaac said.

Isaac recklessly tossed the box out of the way. They entered a torpedo room and Nicole's face appeared on the monitors again.

"I'm not falling for that again." Isaac said.

"Isaac. Make us whole." Nicole said.

"Oh who am I kidding? Come here sweetie!" Isaac yelled.

Isaac ran head first into the monitor again.

"Did the author say that this was the torpedo room?" Richard asked.

"I guess." Faith said.

"Yes! So long suckers! I'm on my way back to Earth!" Richard yelled.

Richard jammed himself into one of the torpedo chutes and got stuck, with his legs flailing about.

"Oh my god! Theres a rotten foot in here!" Richard yelled.

Vincent and Isaac pulled him out, and he was covered in gunpowder.

"How they hell do they shoot torpedoes out of those things?" Richard asked.

"Those aren't the torpedo chutes, those are the morgue chutes." Vincent suddenly corrected.

"Then where are the damn torpedo chutes?" Richard asked.

"Over there." Vincent said pointing..

..At a bunch of tiny holes with tiny torpedoes.

"What good are those?" Richard asked.

Faith picked up one of the teensy torpedoes and threw it at a barrel in the corner, which disintegrated on impact. Richard's eyes widened.

"Let's hang on to some of those." Richard said.

Suddenly, another twitcher came through a vent and Faith threw another torpedo at it, disintegrating it into a pile of dust.

"We're gonna have a fucking easy time with this mission. How many are left?" Richard asked.

"None, there were only 2." Faith said.

"Motherfucker. I thought this was a military ship." Richard said.

Richard went up and pressed the button of the wall to open the elevator. Suddenly lights flashed and Richard mocked the computer voice saying there were unknown biological entities on deck. 2 infectors showed up and were instantly gunned down by the gang. The lockdown lifted, and they got on the elevator.

As the elevator started to ascend, Richard hung up another certificate of authenticity.

"Why do you keep doing that?" Vincent asked.

"SO I can feel safe!" Richard snapped.

Suddenly a video feed opened.

"Kendra, we don't give a shit about you stupid bitchy make up!" Vincent hissed.

"I beg your pardon?" Kyne asked, as he appeared on the screen.

"Who the fuck are you prissy boy?" Richard asked.

"My name is Dr Terrance Kyne." Kyne said.

"Hey! Your the douchebag who sabotaged the engines!" Vincent said.

"Ahh, Captain Vincent. I see your still alive." Kyne said.

"You shut down the engines? Thats a huge safety hazard!" Isaac said.

"Yes I know, but I was trying to prevent the creatures from spreading." Kyne said.

"Why didn't you just blow up the ship?" Faith asked.

"That would seem like a more viable solution." Kyne said.

"What the hell do you want? Are you ready to be taken into custody for murdering the captain?" Vincent asked.

"No, I want to insist that you-" Kyne started before he got hit in the side of the head with a hand ball.

"Sorry." Gordon said off camera.

"As I was saying, I suggest that instead of using the exec shuttle to escape, you should use it to place the marker back on the planet. If you don't all humanity is doomed." Kyne said.

"We'll think about it." Vincent said.

"Thats all I'm asking." Kyne said, before the ball hit him in the head again. "You MOTHER-"

"Who just called?" Kendra asked.

"A scientist who wants us to use the shuttle to put the marker back on the planet." Isaac said.

"What? Don't trust him, he's probably a lunatic. We should keep the shuttle for ourselves." Kendra said.

"I don't know, he made some good points." Vincent said.

"Who do you think is less insane? Me or him?" Kendra asked.

"He doesn't obsess about his make up as much." Richard said.

Kendra groaned and cut the video feed.

"That was more entertaining than that Trick or Treat radio show from _Silent Hill 2_." Richard said.

The gang got off and entered an armory. Before the guys could rip the lockers open to look for guns, a divider waddled into view. Richard just ran up and smacked it with his force gun. It fell to pieces and he began to stomp on them and them blasted them away with a massive energy blast.

"Well there aren't any guns on the racks." Vincent said.

"Thats our luck. Whats this thing?" Richard asked.

"I think thats the shooting range." Vincent said.

"Cool, lets take down a couple targets." Richard said.

"We can't right now. We have a mission to complete!" Isaac said.

"It'll only be a minute." Richard said.

"Well, okay." Isaac said.

Richard pressed the button and some blue transparent humans popped up in the range. He blasted them all with a single shot from his force gun. A clip of ammo popped up from a prize canister.

"Cool, this is like one of those carnival attractions that give out prizes based on performance. Anyone else wanna have a go?" Richard asked.

"Well I guess I might as well give it a try." Vincent said.

Vincent pressed the button and shot some more targets with her ripper. A ruby semi-conductor popped up.

"Oh oh! Me next!" Faith said.

An hour later...

15 blue transparent humans popped up in the shooting gallery. The team was lined up along the control panel and fired all their weapons simultaneously, killing all the targets. A small pile of power nodes popped up.

"This is fun, I'll have to have this installed in my penthouse." Isaac said.

"You live in a fucking penthouse!?" Richard gasped.

"Yeah, CEC is very generous." Isaac said.

"Are you guys even close to the singularity core yet?" Kendra asked.

"Shut up." Richard said, turning the video feed off.

The team got bored with the shooting gallery and decided to move on. They opened a door and saw a soldier sitting on the floor, looking at his severed legs.

"Oh my god, a survivor! Quick, get a med pack!" Vincent said.

Before anything could be done to tend to the injured soldier, he was slammed against the wall by Richard's Force gun.

"Richard, what are you doing? He was human!" Vincent yelled.

"Can we be sure? He might be some kind of shape shifting beast or something." Richard said.

Vincent suddenly got a calm look on her face.

"Good point." She said.

She went over to the corpse and tore it up with her ripper, as it screamed.

"WaiT! I'm not a monster!" It yelled.

"You don't fool us freak!" Vincent yelled.

After mutilating the shape shifting monster, the came to the entrance of the infirmary, where a surgical laser was going to town around the room.

"This reminds me of the Atom Smasher level from _Timesplitters 2_. God, would I wish we were in that game." Richard said.

A twitcher appeared in front of the surgery table. Before the team could fire a shot, the crazy surgical laser sliced it vertically in half. The team laughed like crazy.

"I didn't have to think about how we'd get past that thing. It's so obvious." Isaac said.

"Just shoot it?" Vincent asked.

"Or run past it?" Richard asked.

"Nope, stasis it." Isaac said.

Isaac hit the laser with stasis and the team leisurely walked past it long before it wore off. Isaac spotted a power node on the floor. As he bent over to pick it up, an exploder dropped down from above and hit him with it's sack (bwah ha ha ha ha ha, Sorry), throwing him against the wall and killing itself.

2 more exploder's appeared down the hall that were killed by the rest of the team because they were wimps. Vincent pulled Isaac to his feet, where he promptly fell back down again. She dumped some med gel on his legs and he was able to stand again.

"I wonder whats in that stuff." Isaac said.

"Let's see, Hemostat medicine, talcum powder, grind up testicles, Saltine crackers?" Vincent said, reading the label.

Richard lead them into the barracks which locked down the second they were all in the room.

"Unknown entities detected. Lockdown activated." The computer said.

"Are we sure it's not a sentient A.I trying to kill us?" Richard asked.

Suddenly a massive horde the size of one from _Left 4 Dead_ burst out of the vents. The team was horrified by the size and wasn't sure what to do. So, they did what every unsure party in _Final Fantasy_ would do, they ran.

They ran around the room with the horde behind for nearly 5 hours. As a result, all the monsters got tired and passed out from exhaustion. Then the team just ran around randomly stomping on them until they were all dead and looted their corpses. Richard wondered how they were carrying items when they didn't have any pockets. Isaac found a boring Text log.

"This is confidential. CEC Vessel Ishimura has conducted Illegal mining activities. Some drunk guy on the ship informed us of it's system, but we don't know the precise location. We have reason to believe that the Ishimura has found a Marker. It's our job to steal it from them. More than likely, if they already extracted it, infection (codenamed the Naked virus) has most likely turned the crew into monsters. Team A will insert through hanger bay and distract monsters by coating themselves in pig blood and laying on the floor next to plates of gravy while Team B climbs in through the waste disposal hatch. Team B will then locate the Marker, carry it back to the waste disposal hatch, and flush themselves and the marker out where they will then be picked up by Team C's recovery shuttle. Team A will most likely perish due to their low survival chance, therefore, we've loaded a nuclear bomb on their shuttle that will be detonated when Team C's shuttle is out of range, destroying the ship and any evidence that shows we are unethical." It said.

"They new what we were doing. They were looking for us!" Vincent said after reading the massive paragraph above.

"So?" Richard asked.

"So they were trying to take the Marker from us." Vincent said.

"So?" Richard asked.

"So they...were going to do bad stuff." Vincent said.

"Oh." Richard said.

The team left the now unlocked area and Richard glanced to the side and saw a monster down another hall. He shot at it and it startled the others into shooting that way as well. The monster ran away though. After concluding that it was gone, they took an elevator.

"The core should be up here." Isaac said.

And then a massive stream of fire shot past.

"And it's in the thruster room." Isaac said.

"Isn't there a shut off switch?" Richard asked.

"No." Isaac said.

"Who the fuck designed this ship? Some guy who wanted all the occupants to die?" Richard asked.

Then the team heard what sounded like vomiting.

"What was that?" Faith asked.

"That was just the author. He was getting nauseous with all the questioning of Logic jokes." Richard said.

"Well maybe he should lay off writing them." Vincent said.

"Thats like asking his Babyfur Persona to stop wearing diapers." Richard said.

"I thought he was always in that persona." Isaac said.

"We should really stop mentioning that. It might shock the readers." Richard said.

"You know what I think about the readers?" Vincent asked before flipping the bird at you readers.

"Don't do that! That might upset them!" Richard said.

"So what are we supposed to do to make these conversations funny?" Faith asked.

They stood around, thinking. Then they started walking around with their feet turned sideways, hands in the air, and all chanted "dh dh dh dh dh dh".

"Is anyone laughing?" Vincent asked.

"I don't know, maybe we should just continue what we were doing." Richard said.

"Why don't you run out into the fire? That might provoke a couple laughs." Faith said.

"Hell no. I already did something like that once." Richard said.

"Then I'll do it!" Isaac said.

Isaac ran around the corner and stood there in a stupid pose, ready to get burned. The flames, however, didn't touch him because he was standing behind some accelerator thingy mo bob.

"Say, wait a minute. I think I found a way to reach the singularity core." Isaac said.

"What?" Richard asked.

"We can build a dozen of these accelerator things and use them to block the flame jets!" Isaac said.

"Why not push it upwards towards the flame jets so you can grab the core?" Vincent asked.

"Thats an even better idea! Your a genius! I'd marry you if I wasn't engaged to Nicole." Isaac said.

"Thanks, I'll pass." Vincent said.

Isaac began pushing the accelerator upwards with his kinesis module. He was right next to the singularity core. He reached out towards it.

"Almost got it.." He said.

Suddenly, the flame jets turned on again and threw him and the accelerator all the way back to where the others were waiting.

"Those fucking flame jets are stopping you from getting the core." Richard said.

"Thanks captain obvious." Vincent said.

"I fucked your mom." Richard said.

Isaac suddenly, noticed some purple wires along 3 pillars leading up to the singularity core.

"Those must be junctions to the main power supply. If I cut them, maybe the-" Isaac started.

"Your gonna lose that fucking tongue of yours!" Vincent yelled, strangling Richard.

Faith was cheering her on like she was watching a boxing match. Isaac decided to test his theory but slowing inching up the hallway behind the accelerator and shooting the wires. The flames stopped then.

"It worked! Finally, something goes right." Isaac said.

"I don't think so!" A voice yelled.

Suddenly, Daniel, in his spandex costume, jumped down from the ceiling. Upon seeing him, the team laughed.

"Shut up! This costume is supposed to be very terrifying!" Daniel said.

"To who? Parents who think their children are getting raped?" Richard asked.

"Shut up! I am the most powerful member of the Psychological 7! I'm here to make you pay for what you did to guy!" Daniel said, holding a pitcher with the guy from _The Dark Eye_ in it.

"Don't spill me!" He said.

"And whats your power?" Vincent asked.

"I can beat the crap out of you with my lantern!" Daniel said, holding his lantern out.

"Seriously? What are you gonna do? Blind us?" Richard asked.

The light from Daniel's lantern suddenly grew even brighter. It actually did temporarily blind the team.

"Gah! Thats surprisingly effective!" Richard said.

Daniel rushed up to the group and bashed them all in their heads with his lantern. It knocked out everyone except Isaac.

"Ah ha ha ha ha! Finally! I have proven my worth to the Psychological 7!" Daniel yelled.

Isaac suddenly hit Daniel with a blast of stasis, causing him to laugh very slowly. Then he pulled out his line gun and fired a shot. Since he was still partially blind, he couldn't aim properly. Fortunately, the beam's wide berth hit Daniel and sliced his torso off from his legs. He dropped the pitcher with the guy in it and it shattered on the floor, all in slow motion.

"No! Not again!" The guy said as he drained down another grate.

"NOOOOOOO!" Daniel yelled in slow motion as it finally wore off and he hit the ground hard.

"Looks like you turkeys are fired." Richard said, picking up Daniel's lantern.

"What do you mean-" Daniel started before Richard started bashing him repeatedly in the head with the lantern.

He did this several times before the lantern broke and Daniel's face was badly bruised. Then Richard picked Daniel's Lower body up and started beating him with that. When Richard was finished, most of the skin on Daniel's face was missing. Then Richard Picked Daniel himself up, sent the elevator down, and threw Daniel down the shaft.

"The trash is now dealt with." Richard said.

"You bastard!" Daniel yelled upward.

Richard pushed the accelerator over to the shaft and pushed it down, landing on Daniel. Isaac went up to the core and plucked it off of the wall.

"Mission accomplished! Finally, something goes-" Isaac started.

Then explosions started bursting through the walls. The team was terrified and ran through a nearby door.

"Oh shit, the core was the only thing holding the Valor together! You have to get out of there!" Kendra yelled.

"No shit bitch." Faith said.

The team made their way into a room with lots of machines. They reached a glass wall. On the other side, Hammond rushed out of a doorway.

"Isaac! Thank god! Some bitch has been blocking my RIG signal again. We have to get out of here!" Hammond said.

"How? This glass is blocking our route." Isaac said.

"I guess I could weld through it." Hammond said.

Suddenly, a brute came through the doorway. Hammond leaned up against the glass wall, pissing himself.

"Shoot it!" Isaac yelled.

"I can't! Some idiot took my pulse rifle!" Hammond yelled.

"You mean this?" Richard asked, holding up Hammond's pulse rifle.

"You motherfucker!" Hammond yelled.

The Brute ran over and grabbed Hammond in one arm.

"Get out of here! Find the shuttle and escape!" Hammond yelled.

The brute grabbed one of Hammond's legs and ripped it off. Isaac watched in tears as the brute slammed it's fists down on Hammond's head. Then it picked up Hammond's body and threw it at the glass wall, smashing through it. Isaac went berserk and hit it with his line gun, which didn't do much because it was armored.

The brute picked up Isaac and started slamming him against the floor. Richard blasted it in the back with his force gun, forcing it to drop Isaac said. The brute turned around and swatted Richard into a machine, embedding his head in it. Richard pulled his head out and spit out some nuts and bolts.

Vincent ran up to it with a ripper blade prepped, but the brute shot an explosive capsule at her. It knocked the ripper out of her hands. Before she could retrieve it, the brute picked her up and threw her into an oil tank. Faith shot a stream of fire at it, which actually caused some damage. Sadly, the brute slammed his fist straight down onto her, embedding her in the floor like a nail.

Isaac finally recovered and charged up his contact beam. Just as the brute noticed him and was about to pummel him senselessly, Isaac fired the beam, searing a massive hole through the brute's torso. It collapsed dead after looking at it's torso and realizing that there wasn't anything keeping it alive.

The other team members recovered, Vincent wiped the oil off herself with Hammond's severed leg. Speaking of Hammond, Isaac picked up Hammond's corpse with kinesis and carried him to the doorway.

"Your seriously bring that body with you?" Richard asked.

"He deserves a funeral!" Isaac said.

"We're on a fucking ship thats about to explode and all you can think about are funeral services?!" Vincent asked.

"He died for the CEC! He will be buried by it!" Isaac said.

"He abandoned the CEC's mission! He should be fired!" Vincent said.

Before their idiotic conversation could continue, they heard more voices.

"I told you it was a bad idea to bring the table up here!" Raz yelled.

"You!? Your the one who recommended it!" Milly yelled.

"I'm a junk blade racer." Arcano said.

"We know." Chris said.

"Well now because of you, we have to move the table to another location!" Raz said.

"ME!? Raz I am going to taze your balls off if you pin this on me one more time!" Milly yelled.

Suddenly, Raz, Milly, Arcano, and Chris rounded a corner, carrying the table. Chris was laying on top of it while Raz was barking orders at Milly and Arcano, who were carrying it.

"Those jackasses look familiar, well the 2 in the vests at least." Richard said.

"Hey look, more guys. Maybe they can help us move the table." Chris said.

"You idiot! Thats the guy our master is trying to kill!" Milly yelled.

"So we don't ask him to help us carry the table?" Arcano asked.

"No! If we kill him, the master will reward us!" Milly said.

"Kill me?" Richard said.

"I'm gonna wish for a life time supply of emergency sprays!" Raz said.

Raz pulled out his laser knife, Arcano pulled out a regular knife, Milly pulled out her stun gun, and Chris pulled out an antique gun.

"Did the Psychological 7 recruit you guys to replace the many we killed?" Isaac asked.

"No way tin man, we're the personal guard of Theodore Holmes." Arcano said.

"Did he just call me tin man?" Isaac asked.

"Enough talk, lets battle!" Milly said.

The 4 retards charged at Richard, who blasted them all into the wall with his force gun, knocking them out.

"What did you do to piss off that Theodore guy?" Vincent asked.

"Don't ask me. I was just minding my own business and he went psycho on me. Anyway, let's just leave this morons to burn." Richard said.

"Thats seriously unethical." Isaac said.

"So? You've been killing those monsters left to right and that hasn't effected you." Richard said.

"Thats cold." Isaac said.

The team walked past the unconscious losers and came to an elevator that didn't work. There was a power cell socket next to it.

"Isaac, can you grab that power cell with your kinesis module?" Vincent asked.

"I can't, I'm still using it to carry Hammond." Isaac said.

"Just set him down for a second." Vincent said, irritated.

"I can't do that! He might get hurt!" Isaac said, clutching Hammond's corpse.

"He's fucking dead!" Vincent yelled.

"Thats not a good reason to set him down!" Isaac yelled.

"Oh for fucks sake, let me do it!" Richard yelled.

Richard picked up the cell with one hand and shoved it into the socket. The elevator's lights came back on and they all jammed together on it and rode it back down to the entrance of the ship. They all flew out through the door back into the zero gravity bay as the ship collapsed.

"Isaac, get back to the tram and fix the shuttle." Kendra said.

"Does she always do this whenever your on a job?" Vincent asked.

"No, she usually just sits in the shuttle and does her make up while barking commands at me." Isaac said.

The team started on their way back to the Tram. Then they encountered another Divider.

"Don't let him hurt Hammond!" Isaac said.

"For fuck's sake." Vincent said.

Vincent, Richard, and Faith all blasted the divider and it's fragments with their weapons while Isaac hid in a corner, clutching Hammond's corpse. Isaac screamed when Vincent tapped him on the shoulder to inform him it was dead.

Then they all got on the tram. Isaac laid Hammond's body down on the bench.

"Can I make a ventriloquist puppet out of him?" Richard asked.

"No!" Isaac yelled.

The tram proceeded down the tracks as Richard tried to get to Hammond's body, but Isaac kept hitting him in the head with his plasma cutter.

Meanwhile, in the communications room...

Theodore had a video feed up with Thomas.

"You all failed." Theodore said.

"He wasn't alone! He had help!" Thomas said.

"Why didn't you just all attack him at once?" Theodore asked.

"That..is a very good question actually." Thomas said.

"Here's another question. Your fired." Theodore said.

"But thats not a question." Thomas said, before the feed shut off.

"Master, we've captured the woman and her comrades." Karne said over the radio.

"Excellent. Take them to the outpost on the planet below. I'll be there shortly." Theodore said.

"Sure thing! Oh shit! Stop the portal! That lizard is trying to escape again!" Karne yelled.

Meanwhile, near the USM Valor's insertion point...

The Valor finally exploded, sending chunks of metal flying into space. On one of those chunks, Raz and his crew were clinging on to dear life. Arcano had one of his legs wrapped around one of the table's legs.

"At least we saved the table. And did I mention I'm a Junk Blade racer?" He said.

"YES!" Everyone else yelled.

"Thank god we're immortal, otherwise, we'd suffocate." Milly said.

"We should call The Master for help." Chris said.

"No! We can handle this!" Raz said.

"How?" Milly asked.

Raz looked around and saw the Hanger bay.

"There! We can maneuver this thing towards that hole in the ship!" Raz said.

"The Hanger." Milly said.

"Whatever." Raz said.

"How the hell are we gonna maneuver this thing?" Arcano asked.

"With your boots." Raz said.

"What!? Not my limited edition Junk Blade racing boots!" Arcano said.

"Shut up and give them to me!" Raz threatened.

"I'll give them to you alright!" Arcano yelled.

With his free leg, Arcano kicked Raz in the face with his boot. Raz grabbed his boot and slipped it off.

"Give it back!" Arcano yelled.

"Sure." Raz said.

Raz threw the boot out into space. Arcano went berserk and started to strangle Raz with his free leg. Raz's thrashing actually steered the hunk of metal towards the hanger bay.

"Hey, its working. Nice job Raz!" Chris said.

Raz of course, couldn't answer due to intense choking.

To Be continued...

**I know that some of you have been nagging me to update. There is no need to nag me. This is my number one priority story, above Academy Retards and Daze, so just relax and be paitient.**


	10. You activated my nav card!

Chapter 10:You activated my nav card!

**Once again we dive back into the mind of myself in this parodied revision of Dead Space. In space, no one can hear you laugh. In an unauthorized Reviewer participation campaign, which parody would you like to see next? Dead Space 2? Or Silent Hill Downpour? Tell me.**

Isaac's tram stopped at the crew quarters deck. Upon getting out, everyone felt like they were in the opening level of _Bioshock Infinite_. There were fucking candles everywhere along with a dozen corpses laying around like there was a massive party. There was also a bunch of white scribbles everywhere.

"I can't believe Hammond's dead. Thank god, I mean, thats horrible!" Kendra said.

"You seem somewhat happy about this." Vincent said.

"Don't change the subject! Isaac, to fix the shuttle, you need 3 Nav cards." Kendra said.

"I thought all we needed was the singularity core." Richard said.

"Yes, but we also need the nav cards." Kendra said.

"Why didn't you tell us that earlier!? We might have been able to find some on the Valor!" Faith hissed.

"Anyway, you'll need Crew quarters key to reach the nav cards." Kendra said.

"Where is that?" Isaac asked.

"Use your locator thing." Kendra said.

"Thanks, thats somewhat helpful." Richard said.

"Before we do anything else, I think I should give Hammond a proper burial." Isaac said.

"Oh god, not this again." Richard said.

Isaac got Hammond's body and laid it down on a sofa. He moved a bunch of the candles around it and crossed Hammond's arms.

"We are here today to honor my fallen Security Specialist, Zach Hammond." Isaac said.

"Yay." Faith muttered.

"He was the best Security expert I ever knew. In fact, he was the only one I ever knew. He personally trained our 2 pilots, Oakie Dokie and Twist Mclintock, who also died. Does anyone here have anything to say about this wonderful man?" Isaac asked.

"He was a perv, thats one thing." Vincent said.

"And he was lazy as fuck." Faith said.

"And bossy." Richard said.

"Okay, that will be all with the references." Isaac said.

"And he was a coward." Richard said.

"And he might have been a traitor." Vincent said.

"And he was stupid." Faith said.

"Alright! Thats enough! Now, we offer him gifts." Isaac said.

Isaac laid a ruby semi-conductor on Hammond's chest. Faith tried to grab it, but Isaac slapped her hand away. Faith set her P-sec security pistol on him, Vincent set some credits in his pocket and Richard jammed some pulse rifle ammo down his mouth.

"Are we done now?" Richard asked.

"No, first, I must preserve his body, with these sandwich bags." Isaac said, holding a box of glad sandwich bags.

"Why sandwich bags?" Vincent asked.

"Because they preserve meat longer than ordinary sandwich bags!" Isaac said.

Isaac ripped out all the bags and wrapped them tightly around Hammond.

"Are we done now?" Richard asked.

"No, now I have to build a makeshift glass coffin out of-" Isaac started.

"We are finished!" Faith yelled, grabbing Isaac by his collar.

"Okay okay." Isaac said.

Richard picked up a text log.

"Unitology, just another religion to hate. If you've been living under a rock for the last few decades, you may have missed this stupid religion that may possibly cheaper than Leon 13. It started when this asshole named Altman found an obelisk and claimed it was the key to the next step in human evolution. Then the CIA capped his ass. Regardless, many people followed and worshiped the fat bastard. They say they have ranks. It depends on how much money you give the fat assholes. Thats not all, they make you donate your body to them after death. What the fuck are they gonna do with it? Turn them into naked monsters? Anyway, no one has ever gotten into their group and told us what they do, but there is also another rumor. Some say they have a secret ship building program. Theres no documented evidence, though some people claim to have seen massive coffin shaped ships. The purpose of these ships is unknown, although rumors of flying them to the graves of Evangelions to give them dignified burials, has been widely dismissed." It said.

"Jesus, that was a mouthful." Richard said.

The gang went up a lift to the next floor and stopped at a kiosk. Then they went down the only unlocked hall, which Richard was desperate to go down because it lead to the mess hall. When the got to the hall, they saw a glass window with a man strapped down to a chair on the other side. Dr. Mercer came out from the side with a drill.

"The time for you ascension ceremony has come Mr. Temple. Don't worry, your darling Elizabeth has already ascended. Now it is time to Join her." Mercer said.

Mercer thrust the drill into Temple's forehead, spraying blood everywhere.

"You unitologist fuck! I'm gonna rape your dead corpse when I'm through with you!" Vincent yelled.

"Ahh, you will think differently once you have ascended miss Vincent." Mercer said, walking away.

"Don't you walk away from me!" Vincent yelled.

Vincent fired a ripper blade at the window, which it bounced off and impaled itself in Richard's shoulder. Richard looked at it and screamed. Isaac ripped it out with his kinesis module and blood started spurting out.

"Quick! Use one of those med kits!" Richard yelled.

Isaac opened the lid of a small med kit and splashed it on Faith.

"Not me retard!" Faith hissed.

Isaac opened another and splashed it on Vincent.

"Not me!" Vincent yelled.

"Are you blind!?" Richard demanded.

"I don't work well under pressure!" Isaac yelled.

Isaac opened another one and splashed it on Richard's shoulder. The wound sealed up. Faith now had beehive styled hair.

"This stuff makes good hair gel." Faith said.

"Can we see if theres food in there now?" Richard asked.

The team went inside the mess hall, which the lower level was covered in flesh. Vincent examined the body.

"I think this is the same guy who made all those audio logs." Vincent said.

"FOOD!" Richard yelled.

Richard ran over to the vending machines, smashed the glass casing, and started shoving candy bars and other wrapped items into his mouth.

"Richard, you know you haven't unwrapped those yet, right?" Isaac asked.

Richard turned around and growled in Isaac's face before he continued eating. Vincent unstrapped Temple from his chair and laid him down.

"Don't tell me your going to give him a funeral too?" Faith asked.

"Thats very kind of you Vincent." Isaac said.

"No, I'm not doing a stupid funeral. I was just looking for a table cloth or something to cover him with." Vincent said.

"Here, use this drape I ripped down from the Kellion." Isaac said, pulling a velvet drape out of his suit.

"Uhh, thanks. Why did you rip it down?" Vincent asked, taking it.

"I wanted to spruce up the place, but Hammond said it looked horrible." Isaac said.

Vincent covered Temple's body with the drape.

"Now set him on fire." Vincent said.

"What!?" Isaac griped.

Faith gladly shot a stream of fire at Temple's corpse, setting him and the drape on fire.

"Why did you set him on fire?" Isaac asked.

"I couldn't let him transform into a monster." Vincent said.

"Then why did you cover him with my drape!?" Isaac demanded.

"I get nauseous when I see people burn." Vincent said.

"But my drapes..." Isaac said.

"Don't worry, they were ugly anyway." Faith said.

Vincent took Isaac's hand and guided him on the elevator. Richard joined them after stuffing the snacks he couldn't eat in his vest. As their lift descended, Temple's body began flailing about.

"AAAAHHHH! I'm on fire!" He yelled.

The gang ignored the fact that Temple was somehow still alive and they got down to the first floor.

"At least there aren't any of those divider things down here." Richard said.

Then, like a jinx, 2 Dividers came out of the vents. Isaac shot a mine between them and his group.

"They'll never get past that Line gun mine!" Isaac said.

Then, one of the dividers shot it's long tongue (I really hope it was a tongue) at Richard and wrapped it around his neck. It yanked Richard towards them and set off the mine, throwing Richard up to the second floor again.

"You were saying?" Vincent asked.

The dividers wrapped their tongues around Faith's and Isaac's necks. Vincent sliced the tongues off with her ripper. They flailed around, spraying blood like they were garden hoses. Vincent shot a blade and decapitated one of the dividers.

Just then, Temple's still burning body was tossed off the second floor and landed on the other divider.

"FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, SOMEONE PUT ME OUT!" Temple yelled.

Then, one of the broken vending machines was shoved off the second floor and crushed the other divider. The first one caught fire and all it's pieces burnt to death.

"Are they dead?" Richard asked, looking over the railing.

"Yeah, thanks. We should use that tactic more often." Isaac said.

"Where is that key?" Vincent asked.

Isaac's locator thing pointed to a corner in the room they were in.

"Oh, thats convenient." Isaac said.

Isaac walked over to the corner and was shocked by another corpse that was attached to the wall that stuck it's arms out at him. Isaac was so panicked, he whipped out his contact beam and disintegrated the corpse.

"That guy might have just been asking for help." Vincent said.

"Then why didn't he say so?" Isaac asked.

"Because his tongue is stuck to my shoe." Vincent said.

"Ewww." Isaac said.

Isaac took the crew quarters key out of the remains of the dead guy's hand. They rode the elevator back up and left the messy mess hall.

"Mr. Clarke. I'm sorry to trouble you. But when you find all the Nav cards, can you meet me at the security station?" Kyne asked on a video feed.

"Your not gonna stab us in the eye with a syringe are you?" Vincent asked.

"Will you drop that! It was an accident!" Kyne said.

"What was an accident?" Noble 6 asked.

"I accidentally stabbed the captain of this ship in the eye with a sedative." Kyne said.

"How the hell is that an accident?" Gordon demanded.

"Well, he was resisting. That's why it was a sedative." Kyne said.

"Whos that?" Vincent asked.

"Oh no one." Kyne said.

"No one!? Thats how you treat us after we saved your ass!?" Noble 6 demanded.

"No, I'm not trying to be ungrateful." Kyne said.

"Then introduce us." Gordon said.

"Oh very well. Mr. Clarke, this is Gordon Freeman and Noble 6." Kyne said, moving them into the video feed.

"Nice to meet you! I love both of your armors!" Isaac said.

"Feel better?" Kyne asked.

"Actually mine isn't armor. It's an HEV suit." Gordon said.

"Yes, they're pretty much the same." Kyne said, annoyed.

"No they aren't. The HEV is designed for hazardous materials." Gordon said.

"Alright, no one cares." Kyne said.

Gordon suddenly broke into tears and ran off.

"Nice job, asshole, you hurt his feelings." Noble 6 said.

Noble 6 punched Kyne in the face before walking off camera.

"Well, you know what to do." Kyne said.

The gang left the mess hall hallway and entered the residential lobby. A slasher ran at them, but Richard bashed it in the groin and blew it apart with his force gun.

"I'm the best around!" Richard said.

Around the corner, there was a guardian on the wall. It spat a pod out at the feet of the gang. Richard kicked it and hit the guardian in the face. It screamed and unleashed it's tentacles. Isaac charged up his contact beam and disintegrated it.

"I should make this my primary weapon." Isaac said.

Isaac slid the crew quarters key down the card reader and opened the door. When he stepped a nanoinch inside, another fucking tentacles grabbed him

"Are you shitting me!? Why does this always grab me!?" Isaac demanded.

While the rest of the gang struggled to catch up, Isaac was trying to hit the tentacle with his contact beam. Just as he was about to fire, the tentacle's sac moved and he hit the wall instead. Just then, the tentacle reached the hole it came out of.

"Oh hell no! I'm not going down there!" Isaac yelled.

Isaac grabbed a nearby radiator (don't ask why a futuristic ship has radiators) and the tentacle temporarily stopped. It kept pulling him, stretching him out like a stretch armstrong. The radiator suddenly started to come loose.

"Oh shit." Isaac said.

The radiator came off it's screws and Isaac was pulled towards the hole. Just before he went in, Richard dove and grabbed his hands at the last second and pulled him back. Faith joined him and they slowly pulled Isaac out of the hole, with the tentacle still pulling itself. Vincent came up, with her ripper roaring and sliced the tip of the fucking thing and it let go of Isaac and he, Richard and Faith all fell back. Richard made a huge dent in the radiator with his head.

"What the hell are these things attached too?" Isaac asked.

Meanwhile, in the center of the ship...

Bayonetta, a witch with long hair that can be manipulated to massive amount, was sitting in a fancy chair, filing her nails. One of her sentient groups of hair came back, cut.

"Blast it, thats the third one. How is my hair supposed to stay healthy if it can't even consume anyone?" She asked herself.

Back on the crew quarters...

Isaac was pulling down another magnetic lock.

"Why the hell can't they just use levers, like normal ships?" Isaac asked himself.

They entered the bunkroom and slaughtered the unaware slashers inside. The entered a short hallway to Sleep commons B.

"At least we won't have to go into anymore vacuums." Vincent said.

"Yeah, those things suck." Richard said.

Then they entered sleep commons B, which was in the shitter. The entire area was frozen, it was 100 below and there was no oxygen in the room.

"W-w-hat the fuck!? I-I-Is this Sub-Zero's personal quarters?" Richard asked, freezing.

"The heating must have broken down." Vincent said.

"Is that all!?" Richard demanded.

"It gets pretty damn cold in space." Vincent said.

"I wish I didn't wear a tank top today." Faith said.

3 slashers burst from the vents.

"Are you shitting me? This doesn't bother them at all? They're fucking naked!" Richard yelled.

The team killed the slashers in uninteresting fashions.

"Why isn't there any oxygen in here?" Richard asked.

"It must have frozen out of the air." Isaac said.

"How the fuck does that work?" Richard demanded.

"You see, Atoms can-" Isaac started.

"Just forget it!" Richard yelled.

"Atoms can-" Isaac started again.

"Shut up!" Richard yelled.

"...Atoms can-" Isaac started before Richard punched him.

After killing the slashers, a pregnant tried to climb out of a vent. The team stood ready, but it couldn't get out because it was too fat. Richard taunted it by standing just beyond it's reach. Isaac came out of a nearby door and startled everyone.

"I got the Nav card." Isaac said.

"How did you get in there?" Vincent asked.

"I went in while you guys were out here." Isaac said.

The pregnant continued struggling as the team left it behind.

"Where to now?" Vincent asked.

"My large unreliable holographic map says-" Isaac started.

Just then, an exploder dropped down from the ceiling and blew up, knocking everyone down.

"Backtracking is hard in this game." Richard said.

"Where were we going again?" Vincent asked.

"I don't know. My large unreliable holographic map was too unreliable." Isaac said.

"What about your less unreliable locator thingy?" Faith asked.

Isaac held his hand out and a light blue trail lead to a door.

"Oh." Isaac said.

They went through the door and Richard blasted a Slasher into the wall without even looking. Then he saw a sign over a door.

"Zero G basketball? Thats sounds like fun." Richard said.

"We're still stuck on a ship filled with monsters and all you can think about is fun!?" Vincent asked.

"Actually, I think it's a good idea too." Faith said.

"Isaac, don't you think this isn't the time for games?" Vincent asked.

"Well, the ship isn't in danger anymore. So I think we have time." Isaac said.

"Oh what the hell. I always wanted to be a basketball player." Vincent said.

The team went inside the locker room then into the Zero G basketball court. Isaac quickly pocketed a Nav card before starting the game.

"How do you play? There aren't any hoops." Richard said.

"You have to toss them into the holes." Vincent said.

"Isn't that more like golf?" Richard asked.

"We aren't using clubs." Vincent said.

"Oh, then it is basketball." Richard said.

"Okay, here are the rules. You have to toss the ball into the holes. If you get it into a hole thats lit up, you get extra points. You can shoot from one of the many platforms in here. If you toss it from a lit up platform, you get extra points." Vincent said.

"What does the opposing team do?" Faith asked.

"There is no opposing team. Just one human team against the holes." Vincent said.

"Doesn't that eliminate all competitive possibilities?" Richard asked.

"Who cares? We just get to toss balls around! Weee!" Isaac said, throwing the ball and hit Richard in the face.

"Ow! What the hell is that thing made of!?" Richard demanded.

"Transparent titanium!" Isaac said, hitting it as it bounced back and hit Richard in the face again.

"Enough screwing around, lets start. Someone stand over there and someone else stand over there and there." Vincent said.

Everyone stood on a separate platform and Vincent hit the console to start the game.

"Are you ready for some Zero G basketball!?" An announcer asked with a roaring audience in the background. "Let's play! 2 minutes to get 300 points!"

"Wait, what!?" Richard asked.

"3. 2. 1. GO!" The announcer yelled.

Isaac grabbed the ball with his Kinesis module and shot it into the red hole.

"No Isaac! Your platform wasn't lit up yet!" Vincent said.

"Then which platform was lit?" Isaac asked.

"That one!" Vincent said, pointing at an empty platform.

"Then I shouldn't have thrown the ball in and just let the empty platform catch it?" Isaac asked.

"Oh for fuck's sake, I'll move there." Richard said, jumping to the platform.

Then the platform Richard just left lit up.

"Richard!" Vincent yelled.

"I know! I got it!" Richard yelled, jumping back.

Richard caught the ball as it shot back out and threw it back into the hole. They kept this up for a minute until Faith threw the ball at a hole and the hole was suddenly blocked by a panel.

"What the fuck?" She demanded.

"Oh yeah, the holes can be blocked by panels too." Vincent said.

"Screw that." Richard said.

Richard floated upward and held one panel open with his hands.

"Shoot into this one!" He said.

Suddenly the panel closed, crushing Richard's fingers. He screamed in pain.

"Damn it! We're never gonna get the high score at this rate!" Vincent said.

"Oh yes we can." Isaac said.

Isaac went back over to the console. He tore out it's generator on the floor and pulled out a bunch of wires. He cut them and reconnected them to different sockets. The timer suddenly stopped, all the panels lit up, 12 basket balls shot out of the holes and the panels were lowered, freeing Richard's fingers.

"There, it's a piece of cake now." Isaac said.

"Hey! You cheated!" The voice said.

Without looking, Isaac shot the loudspeaker with his plasma cutter.

"Let's play ball!" Isaac said.

They all effortlessly tossed balls into the holes until they reached the high score. Confetti fell from the ceiling and the crowd cheered.

"Yay! We're the all time champs!" Richard said.

Suddenly, a lurker burst through the ceiling. It lunged at Richard, who blasted it back with his force gun and it went into one of the holes and the panel closed on it's tentacles, severing them. Back in the locker room, Isaac picked up a schematic for a level 5 RIG suit and a bunch of prizes they earned from the game, like power nodes, ammo, and a ruby semi conductor. They decided to get back to the mission and went into sleep block C. There was a video of Mercer playing.

"A new age has arrived! The time has come for human beings to evolve into the future. There are some people who think it's unethical, by those people are all Democrats. I am a Libertarian! We are the best political party in the united states! The only reason our candidates never win is because the Democrats keep bribing everyone in the country to not vote for us. I'm getting off topic. How Altman was so right, because-" The video started before Vincent smashed the receiver.

"I hate that jack ass." Vincent said.

Faith suddenly got hit in the head by an acidic projectile and fell over, stunned. Richard noticed several of those weird pods that guardian's spit out laying around. He blasted one with his force gun. Isaac severed the others with his plasma cutter. After reviving Faith by pressing down on her chest and her slapping Richard, they went into another damn Bunk room.

"I really never did find out why they had bunks set up in the way. It's a huge fire hazard." Vincent said.

Isaac grabbed some bunks and shoved them out of the way. They picked up a ruby semi conductor that belonged to some Diva bitch. There was another room locked with a power node thingy.

"I thought of a cool idea to get into that room!" Richard said.

Richard grabbed one of the magnet icons off the bunks and ripped it off.

"Richard! Those are going to be expensive to replace!" Isaac said.

"Fuggetaboutit. Let me set it here." Richard said.

Richard stuck the symbol on the locked door.

"Now grab it with that kinetic thing." Richard said.

"Kinesis module." Isaac said.

"Whatever." Richard said.

Isaac grabbed the door with his kinesis module and ripped it off.

"Wow! I wish they incorporated that into the actual game." Isaac said.

They went inside the formerly locked room and looted everything that wasn't nailed down. Then Isaac saw the final Nav card on a distant bunk.

"Theres no way there isn't going to be an ambush after you pick that up." Vincent said.

"Everyone cover me." Isaac said.

Isaac walked right up to the Nav card and was about to grab it. There was unbearable fear of what was going to happen when he picked it up. After a long silence and the team looked at each other, Isaac finally grabbed it.

"You disappoint me Mr. Clarke." Mercer said on the radio.

"Lame white Mr. T rip off without a mohawk!" Richard said.

"Will you stop calling me that!?" Mercer demanded.

"I think it fits pretty well." Richard said.

"How would you like it if I called you boring puzzle game character?" LWMTROWOM asked.

"That doesn't sound as bad." Richard said.

"Oh fuck this. Hunter, attack!" Mercer yelled.

Suddenly, Dexter smashed through a nearby vent.

"How did his ass get unfrozen?" Faith asked.

Flashback...

Benny wandered into the cryogenics chamber.

"Ouch, that surgery they operated on me didn't go so well." He said.

Benny went up to the control panel and started looking through all the frozen files. There was Master Chief, One of Raz Karcy's clones, Eggos and Jennifer and Dexter. Benny selected her and the machine took them out of storage. Jennier was still stuck through Dexter's one arm. Benny defrosted them.

"What the? Where am I? Ewww! Get off!" Jennifer yelled, stabbing Dexter as he regenerated his limbs.

"I see you have recovered my experiment." Mercer said to Benny over the console.

"That creature?" Benny asked.

"Yes, he is mine." Mercer said.

"Oh, I'm so sorry my friend has damaged him." Benny said.

"Don't worry, his limbs regenerate. Hunter!" Mercer yelled.

The hunter stopped stabbing Jennifer and looked at Mercer.

"Return to my position!" Mercer yelled.

The Hunter started walking off with Jennifer still stuck to it's arm.

"Put me down!" She yelled.

"Oh yes, and drop loud mouth while your at it." Mercer said.

Dexter shook his arm and Jennifer fell off.

End Flashback...

Isaac quickly shot off Dexter's legs and arms. While he began to regenerate his limbs, the team ran back past the gap in the bunks.

"Quick! Close it!" Vincent yelled.

"I can't! The magnetic icon is gone!" Isaac said.

"Whoops." Richard said.

The hunter regenerated it's legs and was running towards the gap.

"Then pull the other one instead!" Vincent yelled.

"What?" Isaac yelled.

Vincent took Isaac's hand, pointed it at the bunk that still had it's icon and pulled it in front of the gap right before the hunter reached them and slammed right into it. The team fled the room.

"Okay, I think the security station is this way." Vincent said.

"That douche will never catch up to us now." Richard said.

Then Dexter smashed through a nearby vent.

"Oh right, they can crawl through vents." Richard said.

"If only we had a scythe or something." Isaac said.

"Yagghhh!" A voice yelled.

Dante, clad in a sun hat and pink dress with high heels, burst through a door and stabbed Dexter through the chest with his makeshift scythe. Then he picked Dexter up and threw him across the room.

"Quickly! We must make haste! That beast is immortal!" Dante said.

"Thats my dress!" Vincent yelled.

"This is a woman's garment?" Dante asked.

"Can we talk in the security room?" Richard asked.

"Good idea." Vincent said.

The team fled through another door. Just as Dexter got up, a vase fell onto his head, knocking him out. The team all jammed together on a tiny lift and rode it up to the security room.

"So who are you? Are you the janitor?" Isaac asked.

"I am Dante Alighieri. Templar knight and the one who sealed Lucifer." Dante said.

"Is that why your wearing a dress?" Richard asked.

The elevator doors opened and the team reentered the commons.

"Thank god, theres no one alive in here." Richard said.

Then they looked over the railing and saw infectors turning the many corpses into slashers. One of them, infected Hammond.

"NO! You bastards!" Isaac yelled, shooting at it.

Hammond's jaw fell off and blades grew out of his arms. Unfortunately, he couldn't stand because his one leg was gone. Dante leapt down to the ground floor and cut several slashers in half with his scythe. Then he threw some kind of fruit at Hammond, which spawned some kind of black hole that sucked him and some others in.

"That was kind of fruity. Ha Ha." Richard said.

The others slaughtered the rest of the slashers and infectors. Isaac went to the part of the floor where Hammond got sucked in and banged on it with his fist.

"His proper burial, ruined." Isaac said, crying.

"It is a tragic fate my friend." Dante said.

Isaac hugged Dante and cried into his chest.

"We'd better take out the rest of these bodies so they don't come back to life." Vincent said.

"Good idea." Richard said.

So everyone except Isaac started butchering the corpses. After a while, they made a big pile of severed limbs and torsos. Faith lit the pile ablaze with her flamethrower.

"Mmmm, smells like chicken." She said.

"You eat chicken and stay that thin?" Vincent asked.

"I puke it back up." Faith said.

The team got on another lift and rode it up to the security center. Kyne, Gordon and 6 were watching a MAD TV video. Upon seeing the other team, he turned it off.

"Oh good, you made it. Listen, I know you want to just take the shuttle and leave this place, but if you do, man kind will be doomed." Kyne said.

"How?" Vincent asked.

"I have no idea. But there is hope! Watch this." Kyne said, pulling up a video.

The video showed a bunch of people fleeing onto a shuttle and taking off. Then, all of the sudden, a giant monster with green bulbs circling around it's mouth shot up from the ground.

"That is the hive mind, the central consciousness of all the necromorphs. He emerged after the excavation team removed the Marker. Now, my plan is to place that Marker back on the planet. It should stop these foul creatures." Kyne said.

"You know, with enough time, I could probably build one of those." Gordon said.

"Theres no time!" Kyne yelled, shaking Gordon violently. "I've unlocked that door. It will lead you to the shuttle."

"Oh thanks." Isaac said.

Everyone except Dante went through the door.

"Why did you leave me behind?" Dante asked.

"Uhhh, we thought you were dead?" Gordon said.

"But I was yelling my battle cry." Dante said.

"We thought that was your dying scream." Noble 6 said.

"Oh, then all is forgiven." Dante said.

Dante followed the others through the door, into the executive crew quarters.

"These fucking rich bastards get all the good stuff." Richard said.

Suddenly, a slasher smashed through a vent and a pregnant that had the frame of an air vent jammed around it's waist ran through the door. Since the team's combined Alien combat technique was at 100, they had no trouble killing them.

Richard went into the captain's room and picked up a model of the ship.

"This is neat. I'm taking it. I'm gonna sell this on Ebay." Richard said.

There were some text logs, but everyone was too tired to read them. And because the strategy guide didn't say where they were or what they said. Anyway, they went through the door on the other end of the room and entered the executive shuttle bay, where a red shuttle awaited them.

"This motherfucking aristocrats even have their own shuttle?" Faith asked.

"It's just for repairs." Vincent said.

"They probably take it out for joy rides and shit." Richard said.

"Well, time to fix her up." Isaac said.

The team went inside. There was an open circuit panel. Isaac put the singularity core in and the nav cards.

"What exactly do the nav cards do?" Richard asked.

"They...help you nav?" Isaac guessed.

"Oh well, as long as it flys." Richard said.

"This mechanical beast can fly?" Dante asked.

"You really need to get out more." Richard said.

"Now we just need to test it's engines." Isaac said.

Isaac lead the team to a control room beside the shuttle. He activated the control console and the shuttle blasted fire out of it's thrusters.

"Yep, shes good to go." Isaac said.

"The shuttle might be, but your not." Mercer said.

"Damn it, not you again." Vincent said.

Dexter burst out of a nearby vent.

"This time, there are no cryogenic chambers to stop my creation!" Mercer said.

"But the games almost over, it can't end here." Vincent said.

"Then that means that the author can start another story without having to finish the rest of this one!" Mercer said.

"Fuck that!" Richard said, knocking Dexter back with his force gun.

The team fled through the door with Dexter in pursuit. They ran around the shuttle several times.

"Damn, those thrusters must be fucking hot. I can still feel the heat." Richard said.

"We have to find a way to either freeze or completely destroy this thing." Vincent said.

"My contact beam might work." Isaac said.

Isaac shot Dexter with his contact beam. Dexter simply fell to the ground, limbless.

"Or not." Isaac said.

Isaac hit Dexter with stasis as they fled back into the control room to devise a plan.

"Maybe we can lock him in the quarters." Richard said.

"Nah, the doors open automatically for anyone near them." Vincent said.

"Can't we activate a lockdown?" Richard asked.

"Nah, only the computer can do that." Vincent said.

"Screw that. I can hack it." Richard said.

"Really?" Vincent asked.

"Well, I activated a solar array console back in _Echo Night Beyond_ so I'm sure that counts." Richard said.

Richard got on the console.

"How the hell do I close this window?" He asked.

He pressed a button and accidentally fired the shuttle's thrusters, incinerating Dexter. The only thing left of him was his cowboy hat.

"...Or we could just do that." Richard said.

"Now, I need you to release the shuttle's restraints, then I can take it down to the docking bay." Kyne said over the radio.

"Why don't you release the restraints and we take it down to the docking bay!?" Faith asked.

"Well, we aren't armed." Kyne said.

"So?" Faith asked.

"So we would perish trying to get down there by tram." Kyne said.

"So?" Faith asked.

"Now be nice Faith. Dr. Kyne won't betray us." Isaac said.

Isaac pressed a button and released the restraints. Kyne, Gordon and 6 came in the room.

"Allow me to be the first to shake hands with you." Isaac said.

Isaac tried to go outside, but the doors were in stand by mode.

"I'll meet you at the docking bay." Kyne said.

Kyne and his wingmen got on the shuttle and it descended through the floor.

"That fucker better not leave without us." Richard said.

The team started heading back to the commons. A video feed of Mercer came up.

"Oh for Christ's sake, leave us alone!" Faith yelled.

"Blasphemy!" Dante said, throwing holy water at her.

"It is a shame you killed my life's work. But I am not angry. Soon, you will become one of us." Mercer said.

Richard could hear the voice beyond the door back to the commons. He went through it and found Mercer standing there.

"Now, it is time for me to ascend with the others." Mercer said, with Richard walking behind him on the video feed.

"Holy crap! Richard, how did you get over there so fast?" Isaac said.

Confused, Mercer turned around and got sucker punched in the face by Richard. He dragged Mercer back into the hall where the others were.

"Where's your god now Mercer?" Vincent taunted.

"He will punish you!" Mercer said.

Pulling out a pocket knife, Vincent cut off Mercer's tongue.

"Try preaching now bitch." Vincent said.

"gjaon kabndm aghe nenmmro." Mercer gabbered.

"Thats what I thought." Vincent said.

Vincent pulled out her plasma chainsaw and cut Mercer in half vertically. Then she stomped on his remains.

"We won't have to worry about him anymore." Vincent said.

The team was about to board the tram before Kendra called.

"I don't trust Kyne Isaac, but he's the one with the shuttle so we'd better go along with his idea." Kendra said.

"You don't trust anyone." Vincent said.

"Thats not true, I trust my makeup." Kendra said.

"Whatever." Vincent said.

The team got on the tram and rode it back to the docking bay.

Meanwhile, on the surface of Aegis 7...

"When Richard finds out what your up to, he's gonna fuck you up!" Rebecca yelled, strapped to a chair.

"Oh will you just shut up already!?" Theodore demanded.

"Fuck you!" Rebecca yelled.

Theodore jammed a newspaper into her mouth to stop her from talking.

"The others are secured." Kenzo said.

"Good, this will bring him running here once he finds out. Then, I shall take my vengeance." Theodore said.

"Should we send a communication to him?" Matlock asked.

"No, he'll find us on his own." Theodore said.

Meanwhile, not far from the structure they were in, the Psychological 7's ship landed behind some mountains. Thomas descended the ramp with mechanical limbs.

"That jerk will be sorry for firing us after we kill Richard with our secret weapon." Thomas said.

Before anything else could be said, Raz's team fell off the top of the ship.

"Who the fuck are you!?" Thomas demanded.

"We're Theodore's top task force!" Milly said.

"Then why aren't you with him?" Thomas asked.

"Well, we're on a secret mission." Milly said.

"He demoted us." Raz said.

"Don't tell him that!" Milly said, slapping Raz.

"Demoted huh? So you hold a grudge against him?" Thomas asked.

"Of course not, he will forever be our master." Milly said.

"Yeah, he's a dick" Raz said, getting slapped by Milly again.

"I'm a junk blade racer." Arcano said.

"We know! Stop saying that!" Milly yelled.

"If your not too busy with your secret mission, would you like to give us a hand?" Thomas asked.

"Sorry, we're too busy." Milly said.

"Sure, we love working for other people." Raz said, getting slapped again.

"Excellent..." Thomas said evilly.

To be continued...

**See you next chapter. And remember, Dead Space 2, or Silent Hill Downpour?**


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